The following is a verbatim report from the address of the director
(a veteran St. Bernard) of School of Human Management and Behavioral Sciences.
Welcome puppies. You are about to embark upon the most important phase in your life and that is proper education. We have a great tradition and have always taken great pains to uphold the highest values possible for a dog.
Our major principle out here is to teach you to be an individual, to teach you how not to bow down to the human, teach you how to make life miserable for the humans in short do everything possible to embarrass and humiliate the humans. One day you are going to go out in this world and maybe adopt a human being and if you are lucky HE will behave the way you want to, if not the old adage comes true 'it's a dogs life.
Puppies, your formal days of education and learning to cope with the humans will start from tomorrow. Today I give you the commandments, which you all must, REPEAT, must follow in order for you to graduate from this school. The principles are very dear to me and to this institution .Its this legacy that I impart to you with great pride. Every pupil leaving from this school has left a mark on the humans and I wish it to continue in future too.
Humans basically being a dirty breed needs a lot of cleanliness and that's a reason they have to take baths everyday, some of them are so dirty that a single wash doesn't remove the odors so they have more than one per day. And this usually boils down to the fact that in their own limited thinking they assume that even we need to have baths. Now there are means whereby which these uncouth habits can be discouraged.
After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. If you tend to keep your hair long the effect is even more dramatic. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them up the wall)
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches and if possible grunt as loudly as possible. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. You have to teach your humans to be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. When your human is entertaining his friends wait outside the bathroom and drink water from the toilet bowl taking care to see that you are noticed by all and sundry. Practicing your mating instincts in public is highly recommended, you can go through the motions with a chair or table leg, if possible try it on a human leg. This act should be practiced in public as far as possible especially when your human is entertaining people in your house and there is mixed
company involved. After this act watch your human's face go red. It's a beautiful sight.
Try and throw up in the car. Rolling on dead fish, dead seagulls crabs etc. not only stinks up the car but to tell you the truth its pure fun too. Think of the diaper pail as a treasure chest which you have to explore right down to the last jewel. Play with it, improve your hunting skills and if possible string out the soiled diapers all over the place. Nuzzling your human after eating animal poop is a sure shot way of driving them mad, if possible and your position permits LICK their face.
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the human's frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) Chewing the TV remote or the garage door opener is another way of drawing attention. Humans get handicapped if the remote doesn't work. Practice your chewing only on new shoes and sofa corners, the marks left are very difficult to patch up and your handiwork is evident for everybody to see. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick.
Learn it perfectly. Then, when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about and bark at something trivial as a worm or a butterfly. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
Your property has to be protected at all costs. The garbage collector steals our stuff from the garbage cans, the postman steals our mail, and it is permissible to bite them whenever the opportunity arises. It is also a good idea to growl and snap at the officer, when he reaches his hand inside the car for our human's driver's license and car registration papers. Any stranger who comes into your house along with your human is an enemy. It doesn't matter that he is a friend of your human. Put on an act as if you are the avenging angel incarnate. Snap, bark or bite but put the fear of god into these strangers so that next time they wont come to your house.
Little children are fair game too. It is very easy to tumble them down and sit on them as they cry for help. You don't have to bite them at all, they are naturally frightened when you sit on their chest.
With that high note puppies I end my note and I sincerely hope that you have paid heed to my words today and take them to your hearts, and always remember the most important thing YOU are the master and leaders, isn't it YOU who walk in front of the human as he holds on to your leash?
Author's Note: This is a pure work of fiction arising out of the author's convoluted mind.