Continued from ‘Victims of Deceit’
Chapter 17, Book One, Artha and Kama, Jewel-less Crown: Saga of Life
When Gautam was done with his painful confession, time seemed to have come to a standstill to witness the interactive silence of the tormented father and his penitent son. Soon, as if pushed by a synchronous urge for solitude, they both rose to their feet. And avoiding eye contact, they moved to their own portions in Misty Nest. Lightened by his confession as Gautam reached his room to pray for Sneha’s soul, an insatiate Suresh made a U-turn to her quarter to know more about his mother.
As Suresh reached the threshold tentatively, her life-size painting appeared to greet him affectionately. Yet, as he stood rooted benumbed, her welcome smile seemed to beckon him. Thus, aided by the radiance of her persona that emanated from every square inch of its frame, he found himself moving closer to her. Having seen her in an angelic light, he was seized by an urge to touch her feet. Then, as he looked into the full-length mirror that was witness to her charms, he thought he could discern the true image of his mother.
Experiencing an unusual fondness for his mother, he was seized by a compelling urge to caress every object of hers. Oh, how he scanned her cupboard as if to seek every nook and corner of her heart. At last finding a secret shelf beneath a false bottom, he thought it could be a treasure trove of her memory. Spotting a bunch of diaries therein, he wondered whether they would lead him to the essence of herself. Yet, he picked them up with a premonition that they might bare her torturous soul as a woman. As his urge to gauge her mind goaded him to read them, his sense of decency to preserve her privacy tied his hands. But, his hope that they would put the aberrations of her life in proper perspective gave a go-by to his qualms.
He was struck by the very first entry he encountered!
'G is my God, oh, God don’t mind that.'
Overawed, as he went through the dairies one by one, he found in them many a facet of her extraordinary life and times. It became clear to him that she was a sensitive woman who loved her man from the depths of her heart. She was caring and considerate to one and all, what a fine soul she had! Wasn’t her ambition to make a prince out of her son the recurring theme of her scheme of life? How pleased he was that his mother had cared for him though she had failed to let him perceive her feelings for him. But, he was perturbed by that phase of her life that heralded their eventual ruin.
'Isn’t it God’s own blasphemy against his devotee? What else is it that G wants me to pander to some minister’s son! Seems G’s cornered by M’s deceit, but what a way it is to wriggle out of it! Didn’t my sixth sense tell me that M is not to be trusted? Warn I did but G paid no heed. Of what avail is it now that G realizes that doomed are men who make light of the feminine sixth sense? Poor G, how I pity him! Didn’t the old jackal reduce G to sparing his wife as a sex bowl for someone’s cum! Not even Eskimo like, is it? Where is the reciprocity, leave alone any cultural constraint? Wonder, how life can make pimps out of husbands! Well, out of fathers for that matter. Why blame them when it’s the arrogance of the powerful that seeks satiation through others’ women!'
'So, to save our business skin I’ve to turn Global’s whore! Why not turn a global whore with a wider exposure? Oh, man has to be brave or crass to send his wife across. How brave was G though he looked dazed! And who is this V who seems to have seen me? Whoever grants a whore the right to know whom she is to satiate? Would I have agreed to play G’s bed ball with sound sexual ethics? Isn't my moral fiber weak for my consent'
'No mistaking, it's my obsession to be wealthy made me concede. Was my initial objection a sham then! Why G too had no other option. Oh, how our greed for wealth makes us stoop to V’s power and lust! Not even his, but his pop’s, that is! If not for our fear of losing what pressure would V have come to exert on us? It would be but a zero with capital Z. After all, power feeds on fear, doesn’t it?’
'V is out of town, so G hasn’t set up the stage. Is it any respite? What a cold comedy it's going to be on my hot sexual stage! Why can't it be fun, the one-night stand? Isn't variety is the spice of life. That is, if I shed a little of my shame. But, poor G would've nothing by way of compensation, otherwise that is. It's no wife-swapping either.'
'It’s as if man is most vulnerable in his own backyard! For a sexually satisfied woman like me, fantasizing an odd man on occasion could be okay to spice up life a little. But, won’t sex with an unknown be too much to stomach even for an adulteress? By the way, why does this V fellow want to have me and only me? Am I supposed to feel flattered that my charms are put on the line of million dollar contracts?'
'G said V would be back by the weekend. How would that ONS with V affect our life? What if some of V's cum gets to my heart? What about G? Would his libido dip for my taking V's cum? Won’t then my need for variety get a boost from G’s neglect of me? Never mind his word; won’t G use more of my sexual services to buttress his business? Won’t that in a way suit me as well? Surely, once bitten twice shy won’t make the right adage for promiscuity, would it? Won’t that shatter our emotional bond forever?'
'How crass it’s to jump into someone’s bed blindfolded? It’s different if someone were to sweep me off my feet to tumble into his arms. Why, sexual freedom is all about sexual choice and not enforced mating isn't it? Wasn't I got stuck to G body and soul tucking in my mind as well! It’s no more the same, so it seems. But, why did G agree to toss me into another’s bed? Could he have done that when I was still his blue-eyed bride? Worn out by time, have I lost my value as a mate to him? Or worse, has he come to value wealth more than his wife?'
'Why have I been impatient for V ever since I was marked for his bed? Is it because he’s mad to have me that I want to give in? Why not I inject a little romance into the ONS to make the mating all the more exciting? What if I let V date me a little? Won’t that help me to dote upon him too? Oh, the prospect of illicit sex seduces more than what the fare might corrupt! So it seems, doesn’t it?'
'When V came in the evening to pick me up, how tentative I was! Wonder why, since I had waited for him all day long! How I was thrilled that V looked all manly, though in his teens! It felt as if the one I was fantasizing about just walked in. Why, he seemed all too familiar, and surely, I was immodest in staring at him. It’s as if I began coveting him. Why not, didn’t I allow myself to get excited at the idea of sex with a teenager?
What need there was for dating when he came darting into my heart! Hit the iron when it’s hot, it’s wisely said. Well, as hard as one can for better effect. Wouldn’t my my wet C know how to heat-treat V’s R? What an irony, I owe V to M, the hateful quisling! How funny V developed cold feet after that hot pursuit! He cowered, the bully that he was, and I should’ve played the elder sister to him. Maybe, that would have put paid to V’s passion and thereby saved G’s honor. Don’t know why, I drove him myself to the KM for a date! Well, for what have I fantasized so much? Just to throw away my chance when it came? What would G think if ever he came to know it was I who had seduced V?
I drove horny V to his farmhouse, oh with what mixed feelings. How romanticism ruled my head even as sympathy for G gripped my heart. But guilt was nowhere in sight. Why should it be peeping even, wasn't it all at G’s behest? Yet, I slowed down as if to know which way to turn. How I wished V developed second thoughts all again. Didn’t I look at V to see the signs if any? Oh, how adoringly he was staring at me.
Stopped the car gripped by V's ogling, lo, he stole a kiss. V's daring cleared my conscience; passion gripped me, well for his possession. V dear hugged me as I raced the car to his place. Oh, how exciting it felt handling the steering as he fondled my breasts. But, how would it have ended had there been a road accident? When fate had willed delight for us in bed, how could it have meted out dog’s death on the road? Oh, how he deep kissed me as I drove the car to the gates! How nice it felt being carried by him all the way to his room. Didn’t I see in his passion a consideration for my delicate frame! Why not I enjoy recalling now and keep the recording for tomorrow.'
'How I yelled then when he threw me into his bed! Wasn’t it a sexual shock to get dropped into an alien bed? And yet, he was my fancied paramour! Where went his shyness! Oh, he tore my dress into pieces as would a beast its prey! Wasn’t he at me like a stinging bee before ending up oozing honey all over me! How sweet it felt being so savored! Wonder how he stole the script of my fantasies! Oh, how he let me have a measure of his eagerness by unleashing his tongue on my P! Why, didn't I shave though it was not my wont? What anticipation really, isn't it MILF like?
Oh how eager I was to turn him nude! Oh, how his R made me gasp before I grasped its girth. Didn’t I know it was perilous not to take it in forthwith for his sake? How would I know I was in for a surprise! Didn’t V pulverize my P for multiple Os? Maybe, I should’ve been more eager myself than I thought. But did I ever imagine savoring the dregs of our satiation? Why never cleaned up G's? Oh how does fantasy turn on the fair sex? Wouldn’t it couple her sexual drive to her mate’s intimate gear? If not, how do so many Os come at one go! Sadly the first night regimen keeps woman rooted to her husband’s expected course.
Satiated but no stopping our mutual caressing! Wonder how in lovemaking, our bodies gave each other so much! Why didn't receive as much both of us. I love V, that’s for sure. Nice it felt to be part of him. Feeling my love for him, didn’t he make love to me all night? Reaching home, could I help but compare the two who had intruded into my life? G enjoys woman all right, but V seems to live only for them. Didn’t I find myself craving for V’s touch the moment he touched me?'
'Am I not dying to have more of V’s? If only we have a couple or more eats (what better way to describe a mating), wouldn’t that set us on course of an affair? Didn’t he say he would love to lay me till I turn sixty? Why am I still nervous after his word? What if he ever deserts me? Oh, that would kill me for sure.'
'V rang up for a repeat, nay eat. How I sprang up in ecstasy, and cried in relief! But, given my charms, why am I not sure of myself? How can any not want an amorous woman like me? Can V ever miss what I’ve to offer him? Where would he get to lay a luscious P like mine? I know I have my man now.'
Don’t we love each other to distraction, V and I? Well, reverse and see! It’s intravenous, really! Oh, isn’t our love flowing in our veins? Aren’t we thick into a passionate liaison? How great it feels to be adored by him! Oh the way I goad him to climax! No doubt we turned into lovebirds, do we cease our necking and pecking ever! What a time we have, each time we have! Oh, how I love V while he devastates my P!'
'Making it to his farmhouse is a hassle really. What an exciting feeling it was to have V in my own den. Won't V love to lay G's lioness in her lair? What a rhythm like in mating! Well, what it would be like mating with V in G’s bed? But, how can I do that? Why, isn’t it all so silly? A lay is a lay wherever you lay, isn’t it? When it’s okay to mate her lover elsewhere, what’s wrong in sleeping with him at home? Didn't I make it bold to invite him home at noon? True to his word, G looked the other way.'
'What a night it was with V at home as G was away from home! Was it not sexier than that noon fare? That way, nights are for sex, what with the darkness abetting secrecy. But V made me feel at home in my own home, didn't he? But then, G ensured that I felt at home with V at our home. Didn’t that made me recall our own first night? But still, I can't possibly live without V. Isn't life exiting with him like never before!'
'Oh, how nearly a year passed without an entry! Unbelievable and unfair as well, isn’t it? How I failed to use the ink filler for once, all the while letting V fill my P to the brim! Well, haven’t I lost the count of my trips to his filling station! Why am I turning naughty? Or is it bawdy! Isn’t the line thin anyway? Would life let me cross that to turn coarse! But who knows?’
'Wonder how G’s want for me didn’t dip down! How my madness for V fails me to tap more of G’s ardor. Anyway, don’t I know G is not starving either? Isn’t he having the time of his life what with his affairs with blonds on his foreign jaunts? Well, as Hollywood says, gentlemen prefer blonds, don’t they?'
'Isn’t G having his own fill, well not on the sly? What an army of pimps-on-the-prowl to catch fresh chicks for him? Why, he owes all that to me! Same way as I owe V to G. What a quid pro quo that is. Don’t I see a little slow down in V of late? Is he having fun elsewhere as well! That’s what life is all about—it makes you share. ‘It’s me only’ is not the feature of life, at least for long, so it seems.'
'Oh, what a day it had been, the anniversary day! How the unthinkable happened! How thoughtful I thought when V wanted us to celebrate in his farmhouse, where it all began. Hardly had we reached when K barged in. When V told me K came to congratulate him, was I amused? While I expected V to send K away, he asked him to join us for a drink. How I sulked at that. Didn’t V say that he was tempted to exhibit more of his good fortune to his friend? How flattered I was! And K too tried to impress me, how odd was that!
Signaled V for sex and he asked K to undress me! Imagine the boy I loved saying that! How I flared up in disgust. How the SOB asked me to shut up and give in! Didn’t they bare me to bar my escape? Oh! How they overpowered me. Didn’t V remind me the saying—when rape is inevitable relax and enjoy? Oh, the way V pinned me down to let K f.. me! How I hated V as K had pushed in his MC! How wretched I felt as V took his turn.
How I sulked after that. As K praised my figure, the beast urged for an orgy. Really, it’s better to enjoy than being raped. As they shared the spoils, had they not put me into a fantastic situation! Whoever envisioned a DP even in her fantasy? Sandwiched, didn’t I lose my orientation to stray into the climax? But when V said I could leave, didn’t I spite him by asking K to give me more! Seeing V sulk, how I enjoyed K’s lusty thrusts!
As that SOB followed suit, how abhorring it felt having him! And how surprised I was when soon I turned horny for an encore! While I was still wondering about the dichotomy between the mind and the body to sexual stimuli, how K ploughed into my P to further my joy! Why do women succumb to men so easily in bed? Well, won’t man's magic wand herald woman's golden moment? Anyway, by the time they got the full measure of me, I was sapped totally.'
'Oh, what has my life come to? How men take women in love for granted! What’s worse, abuse them as well. Shame they toss their mates into others’ arms, that is, after having had their fill. Isn’t desertion a better proposition? Or is it really! Won’t the outcome be the same for the hapless woman? How unbecoming life can become to a woman in this man’s world. How I dreamt of loving V all my life! And he thought it fit to share me with K. Sadly, he ruined the sanctity of our union!'
'It’s as if I’ve got out twice at the same score! At least G leased me to V for gain. What for did V let K have me? I felt as if K’s MC was stabbing my love. Well, the lover in me had dropped dead before V’s own eyes! And lust was born right from my womb, so it seems. How the newborn made me wiser to what spoils woman’s fun really! How strongly would man come on a new woman! But, being coy, woman, lo, she would be at her low! If only the female matches the male at their first mate, won’t that be the sexual zenith on earth? It makes sense for woman to invite the willing to make it to heaven straight away that is.'
'I’ve come to hate V. Glad there’s no word from him. Won’t he know he has lost me forever? Let me bury my past now that my love for V is dead. Better still, I’ll try to rediscover my love for G. I will put all my heart and soul into it. All’s well that ends well; is it not well said? How G and I used to dote upon each other in days of yore! Would G feel the same anymore, after so much of V’s cum had fouled my P? K’s as well, for that matter! But wasn’t G horny even as I was ardent to V? When he sees I left V, won’t he come back to me heart and soul? Of course, he would.'
'V called up for sex! What cheek the bastard has! I refused to see him again. How I wanted to see the hurt on his face then when he heard that! I bared it all to G and he understands as ever. The old way G made love shows he’s glad that V was out of the way. Oh, how I love my G, my old God, thank God for giving back my true love!'
'How short-lived was my joy that V had stopped calling! Oh, how his call disturbed me! Shameless he was to suggest a patch up! What for? Is it for more orgies with others? As I snubbed him roundly, he threatened to expose me. Wasn’t it like adding insult to injury? Oh, how mean he really is! If he were to blackmail me, it would be no fun. Well I’ll talk to G.'
'G said better I manage V as he could damage our prestige. But he did assure me that he would handle him in time. How can I let G get hurt? My name too is on the line? I cannot let V ruin our reputation but I don’t want to touch him with a long pole either. Why not I use K as the pawn to checkmate V? But, K is not my kind, so be it.'
The SOB rang up. Wasn’t he surprised as I insisted that he bring K along? Dismiss he did it as a one-time affair. I would receive either both of them or none of them.'
'They came. I courted K ignoring V. Oh how he protested the bastard. Why, I went oral over K’s C. What a way to snub the SOB? Oh, how sheepish V looked as I slurped sucking K's. Would I ever forget the look on the bastard’s face? How I enjoyed V’s predicament and how stupid K looked at the prospect of the windfall! Real silly V looked when he asked K to leave me for the sake of their friendship. How sarcastic I turned at the sentimental shit of the SOB!
K hesitated when I invited him for a joy ride. Looks like, K has better morals than V. Or simply, was it the fear of power that was at work in his mind? V tried to detain me and I told him to hang himself. Pushing V aside, I managed to pull K into my car and drove away.
What it took me to address K’s fears to make him take on V! How he melted when I feigned fear and how determined he looked even as he promised to stake his life for me! Wasn’t I obliged to tell him he could have my body as my bodyguard? Grateful as well as excited he looked at the prospect of being my slave lover. Maybe, slave love makes fantasy for both the sexes, doesn’t it? As K turned horny, I took him to no man’s land.
Oh, how I shed my shame to have sex as sex. What a new experience it had been! How did it matter that K was not of my class! What sexual power he packs in his wild thrusts. How nice, it rained cats and dogs to pep up my adventure in the car proper. What a fantastic ‘eat’ it was in that crouching way! Wonder how I could enjoy sex with the guy who raped me before! Seems my urge to avenge myself on V abets my lust for K. Now I need to keep K around to thwart V, at least for a while.'
'V came on the line, and I hung up. Oh, what a way it was to snub him without a word. It went on for half an hour? Oh, how K fondled me all the while in delight. I told K that I feared V’s blackmail. K said he would take care. Did I kiss him in gratitude, or was I trying to seal his promise? Soon V came falling on his knees. Oh, how sad that we realize the value of something only when on the verge of losing, having abused it all along! Well, that’s V’s problem and I told him so. When V pressed for me desperately, how confidently K folded me into his arms. How nice it felt that it announced the altered position.
It sounded so funny when K asked V to keep off his girl. But it thrilled me when K swore to kill V, if ever he uttered a word about me to anyone! When K threw him out with a warning to keep his eyes off me, I felt the SOB had got his just deserts. When V left realizing K had cooked his goose, I felt obliged to sexebrate with K. Well, he helped me have the last laugh. I know I need K’s passion to ward off V and satiate my lust as well, till things cool down, both ways.'
'Oh, K’s urge is like a deluge! It’s becoming awful, his lustful regimen. The ruffian that he is, what else can he offer for a company than his prick? Am I not finding his mating exhausting? Oh, how did I let my P be his freebie? Well, one thing led to another. Why leave things half done? When I lent my P for G’s uplift, why not I let it help my sibling’s growth? Why blame poor G, when it’s I who seduced V when he tucked in his tail. Whatever it is, when life could bring K into my bed, what if I slip into those where the powerful sleep. Okay done, baby. Is it not logical to let my folks have some petrol bunks, naami and benaami as well, to start with? What if I let some pump a little of their cum into my horny C for that.'
'Have I become a nymphomaniac as feared? So be it, how does that really bother me? Haven’t I developed the ability to enjoy sex without emotion for the mate? Isn’t that the characteristic of a whore? Well, affair with V made me randy and sleeping with K turned me into a whore. Oh, how that bastard made me bitchy in return for my love? It’s a fact that a woman needs a man for good or bad.'
'The oldie said he would help if I could come to the hotel. Would my going to him be any different from whoring? Wasn’t I prepared for that when I went to seek his favor? Why, I never thought about those girls who did the bidding at my calling! Did I ever feel guilty for being insensitive to their souls while making use of their services? Maybe, that’s how man uses the whores to get his release, unmindful of their bodily feelings leave aside their frame of mind. Why blame men when madams are no better? Men at least have a natural urge that only a woman’s frame can address, but what could be said of the madams? Once being a procuress, now it seems I myself have become a prostitute. Oh, what a route reversal that is! How would my girls react if they come to know about it?'
'I reached the hotel rather awkwardly, in spite of my preparation. How I passed through the lobby, I would never know. How nervous I felt knocking at the door though I went willingly! Wasn’t it worse when I went in, though I was eager in a way? Why my rehearsals led me nowhere! I was attracted to G and V and so it was easy. And I was cursing V more than I was concerned about K’s forced entry. But, this was all different; I was just a prostitute for him and to myself even.
The oldie apologized for his weakness for women and thanked me for consenting. Didn't he tend me so nicely into his embrace? Oh, how his touch convey compassion that made me hug him for warmth. How I felt him agreeable and how I was amused at the prospect of sex with him! What a naughty boy he turned out to be as we drank together! After that prolonged foreplay, wonder how he took me to my O! It seems as if he opened the gates for older lovers to inundate my C.'
'I managed to get rid of K. After that eat with the elderly one, K’s coarseness became too much to bear anyway. Better I hook some oldies for their matured ways. V is no more a threat as he was sidelined in the party even as his dad kicked the bucket. It serves him right the son of a bitch. Well, I bluffed to K that I had to mend my ways as my son had grown up. K didn’t protest too much either, and I know he wouldn’t. Maybe, he too felt satiated with me, who knows?'
'Oh, how the menu of my sex eats has changed. Won't I man my sex kitchen with older men? Isn't it an idea to put 'Entry free for older guys' billboard on the MN gate? Ok baby but what's sex life without hunky youth, the ginger chicken. Don't I need them both for the variety they bring into my bed! Aren’t beautiful people supposed to have multiple partners and better sex as well? Why not, it’s a fact of life, whether one likes it or not. And won’t sex bring spin-offs if one goes for choice sleeps? I’m at networking with men willing to call my shots. I wonder whether it’s sex for service or service for sex! When it’s a case of making both ends meet, what difference does that make either way?'
'What else but ONS that holds sway on my P the most? Why it's just physical, no emotional baggage baba? And that makes sex the pure sex with a sense of adventure? Oh, how did I come up with a new theory as a corollary? This is the theory for the posterity—one need carry nothing going into sexual encounters. What a discovery! Won’t that make me the Buddhini of sexual enlightenment? Wonder how I missed the point, being in the thick of it all along, day in and day out! And for the record, all alone I was sipping beer in the CB this afternoon! Oh, how seized I was with an irresistible temptation to prove my theory right then and there! I feigned to be drunk and asked that waiter to guide me to the loo only to let him glide his sex tool into me, doggy style! While he f'ed me, didn’t I realize another truth? Woman could be amorous, but sexual vigor vests with man and that matters. Well, that’s how nature shaped the sexes. It pleased me when he said it was an unexpected tip. Oh, how sexy. I told him he could have a proper dip if he were to follow me. But for sake of appearances I had to follow him after he managed to excuse himself from duty and oh, what a time we had.'
'Felt like reading what I’ve been writing. How have I been baring my soul as if for my inner soul! How does it feel like reading these when my sexual fire would have been singed? What if my sexy past excites me in my old age? What a funny idea! But, who would like to have anything to do with an old hag? Oh, how poor would be the youth then if they wouldn’t let me give them what I only can give. Or would these shame me in my old age?'
'What if the diaries were to fall into some burglar’s hands? He might come back for barter and I would have another fucker to humor. Jokes apart, won’t one think I’m a slut and insult as a woman? What do men know about women in spite of it all? When it comes to that what do women know about themselves? Better I shred these in time.'
'What a day it has been! S turned ten and the whole of Delhi was at MN. Is it not time I brought order into my wayward bed? G reached where he wanted to and S too is no more a poor cousin. And I’ve had my riotous time, as riotous as it could take. Don’t I see a risk tag attached to my sexcapades now? Haven’t they started recognizing my page three face? What if someone chose to kiss and tell some tabloid about the ONS I might've had with him? It’s sensible to make my peccadilloes a history before S comes of age.'
'Once again I’m happy with myself in a wifely way. As I gave up on others, I’m devoted to G. We find our life rejuvenated. G says he finds me fuller than ever before. And I too feel I was never so eager, ever. More eager than the eagerness with which I took on all those hunks. S too is shaping into such a charming boy. Had I ever seen any better! How sad, by the time I think of him he would be fast asleep. It feels nice seeing him, and how long I find myself staring at him! Won’t he grow into a handsome lad in time? And who knows end up a playboy even.'
'Seems G’s ardor is on the wane for me. How can a man make love to the same woman all his life? Yet men have to get glued to their wives for want of alternatives. But what compulsions there could be for G? Can’t his status bring half of Delhi to his bed? But why should women want to be laid by the rich and famous? Maybe, by sleeping with such, women perceive their self-worth soaring up! If not for his fame (or was it notoriety) as a lover, would have Casanova had half as many affairs? Seems G too is using his position to sexual use, or is it abuse? Oh, how women feel constrained on that score! What a vigorous playboy he turned out to be! But, he deserves all that.'
'Oh, how fascinated was M! It felt nice that he’s bold. He is manly and handsome! Why, didn't he charm me with his nice talk as well? I hadn’t met any like him before and told him so. How ardently he said that he loved to befriend me! He wanted me to ring him up and if I didn’t, he wouldn’t bother me. Smart that he has left the ball in my court. Is he the classic gentleman lover? Why not I call him up and find out?'
'True M is a gentleman lover if there ever was one. What an erotic time he gave me! How it lingers on in my memory! I’m not the one to let go this man. And as it turned out neither would he let me go. We agreed to operate a joint account in his private jaunt.'
'Well, I’m back on my beaten track. Oh, how horny I felt seeing P in the party at the MN. Oh God, how dare I snare him into my room! What followed was the sexy best, wasn’t it? I let go P after a couple! Then, what a surprise lay in store for me! As I came out of my room, how R ambushed me! From where did he surface? He said he saw what was happening and led me back into my bed without a word. Oh, how fascinating was his daring and the way I oralled him for his bravado! With what gusto he thrashed me in return! What sense does it make to give up on men? Who knows who carries a Rasputin’s Prick (demands a capital letter, wouldn't it?) with him! How am I to know unless I unzip them all? Won’t a RP bring in bursting ecstasy? What a time that would be for my LP!'
'There seems to be no stopping men from eating me! Don’t they all vouch that no woman ever loved the prick as I do? How exciting it feels hearing men exclaim at my oral prowess! Am I not craving to hear the same from as many? Won’t I like to improve myself with each outing? Why not, when I’m at it, won’t it make sense to have it to the hilt? And having lost my chastity isn’t sex the only reward left? Why half measures, let me go the whole hog to grab all that hard meat my softy. No more and no less, that’s the way with sex as nature willed it.'
Pausing in awe, Suresh empathized with her soul sympathizing with her faults.
'How worrying S has gone astray! Why has he fallen into bad ways? Oh, if only I knew in time, I should’ve fared much better as a mother. But, hardly have I ever devoted any time for him. Haven’t I let him grow as if he was an orphan? Even they have a home in an orphanage. It’s as if S was homeless in his home! How could I’ve helped it anyway? How busy was I ever! Oh, if it was the struggle for betterment in the beginning, later it was the effort to keep that going. And as he grew up, it was my pleasure seeking that denied him my motherly love.'
Oh, how I turned insensitive to his growing-up needs. What an irony it is that I started neglecting him striving for his own good! Now the gulf seems to be too wide to attempt to even bridge it. And won’t it feel odd to befriend an adolescent son in a U-turn? Hope his JDs would come to pass as he comes of age. How I wish he gets the right wife to rectify my motherly wrong.
Won’t I give my life for S if that were needed? He may never know how I love him, but how does that matter if he’s contented and happy, unlike us, his parents? How I love to see him happily married. Having no emotional dependence on him as a mother, I might make a marvelous mother-in-law to his wife. Well, everything in life seems to have a flip side to it, doesn’t it?'
'What a shock on the New Year's Eve! Whoever expected it? How sad that some girl paid with her life for the ruffled psyche of my son! Am I not the real culprit behind it? Oh, how can I atone for all this! I am not able to think, let alone write, anymore now.'
As his eyes welled up with tears and his heart filled with love for her by then, Suresh couldn’t go through the rest of Sneha’s outpour. Slowly he began shredding her diaries as he didn’t like them to see the light at dawn. And putting the shreds in a bucket of water to turn them into pulp, he vowed to carry her secrets to his grave. When he left the room having bowed before her portrait, he felt that neither his mother could be blamed nor his father be faulted for whatever happened.
Continued to “Garland of Guilt”