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The 3 AM Telephone Calls
by Gaurang Bhatt, MD Bookmark and Share

I am a retired physician used to taking emergency calls in the middle of the night and making critical judgments about life and death situations quickly and effectively. I, therefore volunteered to take all calls at 3am from the White House since the Clinton presidency onwards. I never got any calls redirected to me from the Clinton White House because rumor has it that Slick Willie was often on the prowl in the corridors of the building or occupied with Intern-al affairs in the Oval office and Hillary used to grab the phone on the first ring before it could be redirected to me. I never got a telephone during the stunted (W) shrub's administration because unreliable sources say that he goes to bed at nine pm and takes the phone off the hook.

For the past few weeks I have been getting calls mostly from Alaska, Arizona and Ohio. The Alaska calls are from a woman and I feel it my public duty under the Freedom of Information Act to let the American people know what is happening. 

The first 
Alaska call from a female voice was as follows.

Female voice in panic'- Doggone it, Russia has invaded Georgia! Shucks, I was watching the Russkies all night from my window. They must have snuck past me in the darkness and hightailed it all the way to Atlanta, Georgia. Betchya the Mounties in Canada dozed off too. You are in Pennsylvania. Why don't you check it out and let me know because all the various newspapers and church bulletins I read, don't say nuthin? Be careful they may have done to Georgia what Sherman did in 'Gone with the Wind'.

Me in a reassuring tone-- The Russians invaded the country of Georgia. You know, the Black Sea.

Female voice in greater panic ' Are ya telling me that Georgia seceded from the United States or is that the way blacks see it? I know it did that before and it has a large black population but I am white and I don't see Georgia as a country, only a state. Now I was once for Alaska seceding from the US, but my pastor told me that would be an abolition of statehood. I am against all abortions.

Exasperated me 'There is another place called Georgia which is a separate country on the shore of the Black Sea, near the Caucasus region. It was a part of the Soviet Union, but when it broke up, Georgia became an independent country. It's name existed before there ever was an American state called Georgia.

Female voice now calmer 'If I have the power I would either buy it like we did Alaska or bomb it. 

A few nights later another call from the same female in Alaska
Female voice ' I just shot a moose.

Taken aback me 'Why did you shoot it?

Female voice ' I was driving with my son Justin on the bridge to nowhere for a church hockey game and this moose just stood frozen on the road like a deer in headlights.

Me ' Why did you shoot it?

Female voice ' I am a state official sworn to uphold the law and the moose was obstructing Justin, so I did my duty. All state courts and even the US Supreme Court whose decisions I closely follow, state that obstructing Justin is a state and Federal crime, so the moose was a criminal. Then when I honked, it tried to run away and as a citizen it is my duty to stop a fleeing criminal by whatever means necessary.

Flabbergasted me ' The statute says it is a crime to obstruct justice, not your son Justin.

Female voice ' You know I am a maverick and anyway the moose will provide mooseburgers to feed the whole town for a day. That is good for the economy and healthcare. Also how do I know that the moose did not associate with terrorists or Russians? I asked it when I read the moose its Miranda rights before I shot it, but it did not answer. Besides that we need change and there was no change machine on the bridge to nowhere and I didn't have a change of clothes with me. I am all for change, so I shot the moose to bring about change. 

Arizona call

Male voice ' You know me I am a straight talker and ride the Dingbat Express. This guy Obama, associates with former terrorists but he won't associate with me. I used to bomb innocent civilians with napalm forty years ago and fully qualify as a terrorist. I don't really care about some guy called Ayers but I am mad as hell that he doesn't treat me like he treats Ayers, politely. I am a maverick and I don't use napalm now, but I am handy with a tar brush.

And he banged the phone down and hung up.

Ohio call

Male voice ' Hi, I'm Jack the plumber.

Me'Any relation to Joe the plumber.

Jack ' No relation, but I want to straighten out a few things. I charge ninety dollars an hour and work five days a week for eight hours a day. If I am completely booked up, I can do eight to ten jobs a day with a maximum gross of nine hundred dollars a day or forty-five hundred a week. Working fifty weeks a year and two weeks vacation, my maximum gross, if all my working days are fully booked, comes 50 multiplied by 4500 dollars = $225,000 per year. I don't even gross$250,000. My net with expenses is between $150,000 to $200,000. Most of us plumbers work solo and are extremely unlikely to have increased taxes by the Obama tax plan.

Me '- Why don't you tell McCain and Palin all this?

Jack the plumber ' It is not a job for me but for my brother-in-law Jim the neurosurgeon. Like you doctors, with our experience we plumbers can diagnose by listening to the complaint. McPain and Mali(g)n don't have clogged drains, they have clogged brains and that's Jim's job, not mine. He will be happy to cure them as he is in a higher tax bracket and belongs to a country club of Wall Street types.

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