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Family Matters  
Sex and Marriage

Today, everything seems to revolve around sex and violence. People don't pick up the magazines from the racks if these spices are not included. Unfortunately, all this has turned sex into a mere commodity. For most people it is just another meat shop. Not only that but for most, the happiness of a married-life is solely dependent on performance of sex by partners. If the sex life is not good then the marriage is not a pass, sure enough! On the contrary, I feel if a marriage is not good then the sex life is not good. 

Today most young men get married (or even otherwise) with a lot of pressure as to how they would perform or whether or not they will be able to save their marriage. In this case, the pressure in the first place is against the rules of performing well. And sure enough when people are trying to perform well rather than enjoying the act of love, they definitely do it poorly. I feel there are a lot of misconceptions about sex especially so in Indian society. Parents shy away from their responsibility to impart sex education to their kids. I understand certain things could be embarrassing to talk, however, some basic information is important to be conversed with the kids.

More and more people are marrying many times in search of good sex life – a mirage. I am not disputing the fact here that people have different sexual appetite however this need can be worked out and helped where required.

Sexual pleasure in marriage gets matured like every other thing. Over a period of time, couples understand the needs of each other, if they pay attention and care enough. Sex like every other thing in nature has been created for a purpose. The sole purpose is evolution - the pleasure is a by-product. However, the act is pure and blissful depending of course upon the attitude of different people. Sex is very closely coupled to emotions. The studies have shown that the best sexual moments are enjoyed between married couples and not out side matrimony. 

Prof. Alan Rauchway, the author of "Relating" – one of my favorite books – writes, "The foreplay is outside of the bedroom." I agree with him in all totality. The bottom line then comes down to love and caring in a married life. There is a distinct difference between desiring a person and needing a person. The outcome is accordingly. When two people are in love and care for each other not just for their physical needs but also the emotional, they are desired. Combined act of love then is very contented and blissful. On the other hand, if it is just a need of the body obviously the end result is just getting rid of one's confined passion.

If we all attach the right values to sex, we would be happier in marriage rather than running for the mirage and making married life a mess. Like every other thing in a marriage sex is required to be worked on according to the biological needs of your partner. Let us not make our lives unhappy by making everything in our lives a business and monotony.

– Meera Chowdhry
November 4, 2001

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