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Family Matters  
Marriage with Option To Divorce

Today most couples get married with a predetermined option – if it works out fine otherwise 'I always have the option for a divorce'. In a situation like this most of us opt for the easy way out. On the contrary if we are not left with any option we fight till the end. It becomes a survival case. Earlier, the social structure was built in such a way that we had no option for a divorce. Whether it was a catholic teaching or the gossip from the society that kept us going with a married life.

For that matter it is the law of nature – survival of the fittest. The moment the options are closed and one is left to survive, he fights. When we first moved to this country it was pretty late for us to start all over. However, my husband sold his business and closed his options even though his partner was willing to let him come back. For my husband, as he perceived, the option could have been a reason for us to quit the struggle. So much so we even sold our apartment in Bombay and were left with absolutely nothing to fall back on. There were times we wanted to run away. Where? It was the big question? We succeeded. Because we kept our option to love each other more under all circumstances.

Likewise in our marriage we had closed our option for a divorce. In the seventies not many people had that option. As for us it was absolutely out of question. We had gone against the norms of the society. Those days inter-religion marriage was virtually forbidden in India. Everyone made us feel, we had made an imprudent decision and we are going to fall apart sooner than we think. We were not going to prove them right.

Many a times we had big fights reaching to a point of no return. But always we looked at each other and thought we have no way out why not make it better. Honestly for almost twenty years the word ‘divorce’ was nowhere found in our dictionary. Well sometimes we tend to exploit each other. But anyway we have no regrets whatsoever. With our constant efforts our love has grown for each other.

Married life in others words is an effort through and through. The day one decides to stop putting in efforts the marriage falls apart. Most young people think married life is a bed of roses. They are in love and everything else can be taken care with that. Only living together for a couple of years does one realize that the romance has disappeared and love is at a risk too. While at love let me tell you there is nothing like love at first sight. Some authors write it is ‘lust at first sight’ and I kind of agree with them. Love grows gradually. When one experiences sensitivity and caring form his/her partner he/she loves more and more. In the end love reaches a stage when a lot of things can be forgiven and forgotten.

The initial 4/5 years are very critical in a marriage. I often come across people who tell me why I should be the only one to make efforts. True both people decide to enter into this commitment they both have to make efforts. One-sided efforts don’t go far.

Most couples after a divorce justify we don’t love each other any more. In my opinion there was no love to start with. The definition of love according to The Bible is –

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
and endures all things.
Love never ends.

When people are truly in love they are willing to accept each other as is. Of course, they talk about issues that are harmful for their mutual happiness. The couple should remember that no one is perfect and if my partner is able to bear my weaknesses then I should do like wise.  Couples need to be compassionate towards each other and truly in love. The marriage will work definitely. 

– Meera Chowdhry
January 13, 2002

| Family Matters