Family Matters  
Fidelity and Trust
by K. Bhuvaneshwari Bhagat

“A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust.” - Nanette Newman

One of the issues that I get frequent questions about is fidelity and trust. This used to be more of an issue for men, both married and single. Men often have shown that they have a tendency to seek multiple sexual partners. As women are having affairs in ever increasing numbers, it is challenging the belief that we have been programmed with since childhood about relationships and marriage. Women are increasingly considering this an option for themselves. It is making us as a society ask: What is the definition of a marriage or relationship? Does it include monogamy?

Despite the law of the land, people and relationships will continue to evolve. One of my strongest beliefs is that dishonesty breaks up relationships, not simply infidelity. The betrayal is in not telling the truth or in hiding. Trust is what must be restored. Trust is difficult to reestablish and for many relationships, impossible. Trust is the fabric upon which we build relationships. Without trust, there is at best a shaky, fragile foundation. Most men and some women are able to separate emotional vs. physical fidelity. When caught in an affair or tryst, he will exclaim, ‘it was just sex, it did not mean anything.’ For someone who cannot or who chooses not to separate these fidelities, this statement does not make sense and is insulting, no matter how true it is for the other partner.

When choosing a partner it is very important to discuss issues like honesty and trust. Increasingly couples of all types are finding new ways to define relationships. For example, in the area of money, it was assumed that couples after marriage would combine their money, and it would be a joint account. However, today, many couples are keeping their money separate. While in part this is an acknowledgment of divorce statistics, it is also a redefinition of what marriage is and how it is to be configured. The possibilities are only limited by the imagination of the partners.

Another issue is the security of the couple. As in most issues for couples, communication and trust is the foundation for working through problems and having a healthy relationship. Trust provides security, stability and sanity for marriage. Don’t start or leave home without it. And if you did, it’s not too late to build that foundation! 

You have a question relating with this issue, feel free to ask.

February 5, 2006