Humor   
Toilet Five Star

In Singapore public toilets are being assessed by a high level committee for suitable star rating. Three star…Five star rating will be awarded to them depending upon the kind of facilities they are equipped with. Singapore alone boasts of having seventy five thousand public toilets. O boy ! reading this I am already feeling urge to visit one. When it comes to boasting India too boasts of public toilets…how many who knows ?..how ? we are all aware. Aren’t you ?

Singaporean toilet is not just a loo but state-of-art piece…have indoor plants, flower vase with blooming flowers, liquid soap, freshly laundered towels, toilet paper, large sized mirror, perfume, hot and cold running water, soft music, concealed lighting and sophisticated ventilation system etc. In India, we do not have plants in toilets, therefore, we look for plants and trees wherever they are, beside which we relieve ourselves. Be it public park, lawn, garden or backyard of our neighbor. Friendly neighborhood indeed. This is our contribution towards promoting CHIPKO movement. As regards, soap, towel, mirror we use them only after we are back home. When it comes to music …we hum ourselves – a habit born out of non-availability of workable latch. Since ventilation system in our toilets is simply non-existent, therefore, we love open air toilet a la open air theatre. In case, you happen to visit any public toilet in India you are bound to face, feel and smell abundant muck and stench. You are bound to set your foot at the wrong place. A small step for man but a giant leap for mankind. I can safely guarantee, with my experience, that you can not come out unscathed after visiting Indian public toilet. A guarantee Singaporeans can ill-afford.

In our great Indian public toilet you may not come across flush. If at all there is something remotely resembling a flush system I can assure you it won’t be functioning due to some technical snag or simply because of lack of water. Two more patterns you are bound to encounter with astonishing uniformity. Sketches and slogans and advertisement of sexologists (quacks) The slogans are invariably love inspired. ‘Rakesh loves Reena’ or bolder version. Sketches, of course, are poor attempt to replicate Khajuraho. So our toilets are also state-of-art in a way. As regard advertisements they are so vivid and exhaustive that you will be forced to suspect your hitherto uneventful marital life. Brooding over your potency you are bound to go nuts and may slide in deep depression. I can bet you must be having more than one symptoms from amongst the list of symptoms given in the ad. Check it out. Headache, giddiness, loss of appetite, increase in appetite, inflammation of any kind, difficulty in passing urine, passing less or more, passing more/less frequently (what is right number and quantity is the sole discretion of the Doctor ) loss of sleep, oversleep, tiredness, black rings under the eyes, trembling etc. etc. Lastly, a gentle advice to visit the clinic at once and meeting so and so, the World renowned sexologist. (all sexologist are world renowned, nothing less ) The course is available through correspondence also so hurry and reach for the STD phone to get rid of your phoney STD.

Another feature of great Indian public toilet is when needed most they have no water supply. No they don’t have paper roll either. If water supply is there, they will not have tap. If tap is there you can not close it. If you can close and unscrew it I am confident there may not be any water in it. Ha..Ha…

I am not aware of Singapore but if such …three star …five star toilets are set up in India people will boast endlessly. “…yesterday had been to five star toilet.. what a cool place…enjoyed thoroughly ...great experience indeed…one must visit.. I strongly recommend..” Yet another may quip in “…I am on half day casual leave from office…taking my family to a three star toilet…has been insisting for quite sometime now.” “All our neighbors have already visited.” Wow ! what a ‘feel good’ factor (through loo so what ! ) Till now people entering Delhi, Mumbai during morning hours find themselves staring at people
lined up unabashedly beside the railway track…indeed a fine example of ‘ India shining’.

Since Singapore can’t give me any of these I will feel out of place and soon homesick. That explains why I am not going to Singapore. Oh the urge again…excuse me can I use your washroom?  

–  Ravi Pipal
April 17, 2005

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