|
|
Humor
Life Process
Outsourcing
by Vikram Karve
On the morning
of New Year’s Eve, while I was loafing on Main Street, I meet an old
friend of mine.
“Hi!” I say.
“Hi,” he says, “where to?”
“Aimless loitering,” I say, “And you?”
“I’m going to work.”
“Work? This early? I thought your shift starts in the evening, or late
at night. You work at a call center don’t you?”
“Not now. I quit. I’m on my own now.”
“On your own? What do you do?”
“LPO.”
“LPO? What’s that?”
“Life Process Outsourcing.”
“Life Process Outsourcing? Never heard of it!”
“You’ve heard of Business Process Outsourcing, haven’t you?”
“BPO? Outsourcing non-core business activities and functions.”
“Precisely. LPO is similar to BPO. There it’s Business Processes which
are outsourced, here it’s Life Processes.”
“Life Processes? Outsourced?”
“Why don’t you come along with me? I’ll show you.”
Soon we are in his office. It looks like a mini call center.
A young attractive girl welcomes us. “Meet Rita, my Manager,” my friend
says, and introduces us.
Rita looks distraught, and says to my friend, “ I’m not feeling well.
Must be viral fever.”
“No problem. My friend here will stand in.”
“What? I don’t have a clue about all this LPO thing!” I protest.
“There’s nothing like learning on thejob! Rita will show you.”
“It’s simple,” Rita says, in a hurry. “Seethe console. You just press
the appropriate switch and route the call to the appropriate person or
agency.” And with these words she disappears. It’s the shortest training
I have ever had in my life.
And so I
plunge into the world of Life Process Outsourcing; or LPO as they call
it.
It’s all very
simple. Working people don’t seem to have time these days, but they have
lots of money; especially those double income couples, IT nerds, MBA hot
shots, finance wizards; just about everybody in the modern rat race.
‘Non-core Life Activities’, for which they neither have the inclination
or the time – outsource them; so you can maximize your work-time to rake
in the money and make a fast climb up the ladder of success.
“My
daughter’s puked in her school. They want someone to pick her up and
take her home. I’m busy in a shoot and just can’t leave,” a creative ad
agency type says.
“Why don’t you tell your husband?” I say.
“Are you crazy or something. I’m a single mother.”
“Sorry ma’am. I didn’t know. My condolences.”
“Condolences? Who’s this? Is this LPO?”
“Yes ma’am,”
I say, press the button marked ‘children’ and transfer the call, hoping
I have made the right choice. Maybe I should have pressed ‘doctor’.
Nothing happens for the next few moments. I breathe a sigh of relief.
A yuppie
wants his grandmother to be taken to a movie. I press the ‘movies’
button. ‘Movies’ transfers the call back, “Hey, this is for movie
tickets; try ‘escort services’. He wants the old hag escorted to the
movies.”
‘Escort
Services’ are in high demand. These guys and girls, slogging in their
offices minting money, want escort services for their kith and kin for
various non-core family processes like shopping, movies, eating out,
sight seeing, marriages, funerals, all types of functions; even going to
art galleries, book fairs, exhibitions, zoos, museums or even a walk in
the nearby garden.
A father
wants someone to read bedtime stories to his small son while he works
late. A busy couple wants proxy stand-in ‘parents’ at the school PTA
meeting. An investment banker rings up from Singapore; he wants his
mother to be taken to pray in a temple at a certain time on a specific
day. Someone wants his kids to be taken for a swim, brunch, a play and
browsing books and music.
An IT project manager wants someone to motivate and pep-talk her
husband, who’s been recently sacked, and is cribbing away at home
demoralized. He desperately needs someone to talk to, unburden himself,
but the wife is busy – she neither has the time nor the inclination to
take a few days off to boost the morale of her depressed husband when
there are deadlines to be met at work and so much is at stake.
The things they want outsourced range from the mundane to the bizarre;
life processes that one earlier enjoyed and took pride in doing or did
as one’s sacred duty are considered ‘non-core life activities’
now-a-days by these highfalutin people.
At the end of the day I feel illuminated on this novel concept of Life
Process Outsourcing, and I am about to leave, when suddenly a call comes
in.
“LPO?” a man
asks softly.
“Yes, this is LPO. May I help you?” I say.
“I’m speaking from Frankfurt Airport. I really don’t know if I can ask
this?” he says nervously.
“Please go ahead and feel free to ask anything you desire, Sir. We do
everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yes, Sir. Anything and everything!” I say.
“I don’t know how to say this. This is the first time I’m asking. You
see, I am working 24/7 on an important project for the last few months.
I’m globetrotting abroad and can’t make it there. Can you please arrange
for someone suitable to take my wife out to the New Year’s Eve Dance?”
I am taken aback but quickly recover, “Yes, Sir.”
“Please send someone really good, an excellent dancer, and make sure she
enjoys and has a good time. She loves dancing and I just haven’t had the
time.”
“Of course, Sir.”
“And I told you – I’ve been away abroad for quite some time now and I’ve
got to stay out here till I complete the project.”
“I know. Work takes top priority.”
“My wife. She’s been lonely. She desperately needs some love. Do you
have someone with a loving and caring nature who can give her some love?
I just don’t have the time. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?”
I let the
words sink in. This is one call I am not going to transfer. “Please give
me the details, Sir,” I say softly into the mike.
As I walk towards my destination with a spring in my step, I feel truly
enlightened. Till this moment, I never knew that love was a non-core
life process worthy of outsourcing.
Long Live Life Process Outsourcing!
April 23,
2006
Top
|
Humor
The Week of April 23, 2006
Medha's Mistake: No Justice without Acquiring
Power by Rajinder Puri
The Indian PM's Metamorphosis From
Reformist to Reservationist by Dr. Subhash Kapila
Hu is on First Base, Who is on Second? by Gaurang
Bhatt, MD
Narmada Rehab Imbroglios by Kusum Choppra
Pumping Up the Price of Oil by Michael Levy
Wake Up Rae Bareilly by Usha Kakkar
Clash of Civilizations by Dr. Prasenjit Maiti
Guardians of the Indian Fortress by Aruni
Mukherjee
Taiwan's Cracks by Dr. William R. Stimson
The Mahabharata as I Remember it by Saroj
Thakur
Life is Action by Dr. Krishna Saksena
How to make God Listen to us? by GVS
Gopalarao
Grains of Rocks Hold Mysteries of
Diseases by VK Joshi
Tottering Quality Management by J.
Ajithkumar
GPS : Tension Free Driving by
Ruchi Gupta
Two Nights with the Spirits : Bhuta Nrtya in
Kondla by Neria Harish Hebbar, MD
Libation of Water - A Real Property Symbol by
Dr. V. Sankaran Nair
Ethanol Fuel for Rural Households by Dr. Anil
K. Rajvanshi
Kashmir's Spirited Peacemaker by Ashima Kaul
What is the Price of Peace? by TA Ramesh
Outdoors is a Great Teacher by Garima Gupta
Violence, Character, Mediation by Gary
Direnfeld
Ban the Triple Talaq by Usha Kakkar
Development Vs Displacement by Dr.
Prasenjit Maiti
Women who are Greening Kutch by Frency
Manecksha
Court Ties a Gordian Knot by T.K. Naveen
Why the Suicides Don't End by Kavitha Kuruganti
Scheherezade's Daughters by Mehru Jaffer
Civil Position or one's Conceit by Arya Bhushan
Life Process Outsourcing by Vikram Karve
Life Skills through Fairy Tales by Rong
Jiaojiao
Masti Ki Paathshala by Raghvendra Singh
Fantasy Poetry and Much More by Dr.
Amitabh Mitra
The Yogic Lore of India by Meena Iyer
Why Hindi Film Songs are not accepted as
Literature? by Tejinder Sharma
|
|
