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Humor /Satire Chapter 1 He looked like a frustrated and rather disgruntled version of ‘The Laughing Buddha’. His living room was rather ‘austere’ with a split-air, a Plasma TV, DVD player, wall to wall Persian carpet, a couple of chandeliers and a few other trappings. As soon as you entered a life size portrait of Garam Singh glared at you from the opposite wall. Anjali Ullu Menon, the famous artist, had been specially commissioned to create that work of abstract art. On the opposite wall, MacBull Hussain’s famous donkeys created a surrealistic impact. Garam Singh’s
wife and daughter had gone to his in-laws’ place and he was alone.
Dressed in a white dhoti and kurta he was indulging in his pet
avocation. “Yes ?” he snapped. He was quite irritated. He hated being disturbed when he was indulging in his favourite pastime of staring at the ceiling. “Saab, there is a young man to see you.” He has given his card to me,” Gangu said in his chaste Bihari handing over a visiting card to Garam Singh. Garam Singh looked at the card: “Unthone Muni Special Correspondent Swarag Samachar?” he read out aloud. “Must be mad. Kick him out. I don’t want to be disturbed. Can’t you see I am very busy?” Just then a young man entered. He was clad in faded blue jeans and T-shirt, he had a guitar in his left hand and was sporting a ring in his right ear. “Jai, Jai
Inder ! Mr. Garam Singh, you don’t know me but I know all about you. I
am Unthonee Muni to strangers but Special Investigator Tony to friends
like you.” “I have come from Heaven Unlimited. I am the Special Correspondent of Swarag Samachar, the hottest selling Tabloid in Heaven. After the sudden death of my pop Narad Muni I got the appointment on compassionate grounds.” “You have actually come from Swarag ?” Garam Singh asked. “What do you think? I am bullshitting or what? I have come to Ulta Pradesh on a Special Mission.” “Can you tell me what that special mission is or is that a secret?” “No, no, GS, of course I can tell you. There cannot be secrets between future pals like us. The fact is that my boss Lord Inder has landed himself in a real mess.“ “How?” “He has had a massive fight with his boss Brahma, the Chairman of Heaven Unlimited.” “But why?” “Actually after Brahma’s retirement Inder was scheduled to become the Chairman, but Brahma made his adopted son Ratan, the Chairman designate. With this Lord Inder’s fate has been sealed. Now he will have to retire as Director Corporate Planning.” “Lord Inder must be terribly frustrated.” “You bet your..…I mean, of course, he is. He has applied for voluntary retirement but his application has not been accepted.” “Why?” “Brahma wants him to resign so that he is denied the benefits of voluntary retirement.” “But I thought Brahma had ego problems only with Vishnu and Mahesh and Inder was his favourite chamcha.” “A year back Swarag Samachar carried a scoop on Brahma. It was alleged that he had taken kick back in an a multi-crore arms deal with a firm from United Hell Undivided. Now, Swarag Samachar is edited by Lord Inder, so obviously Brahma thought that Inder was trying to screw his happiness and was livid with him.” “But , Tonyjee , that still doesn’t explain your coming to Ulta Pradesh.” “I’ll clarify. Actually Inder had been made a secret offer. He has been offered the post of the Chairman of United Hell Undivided. Lord Yama is due to retire after six months and there is no able person who can succeed him.” “But how is all this connected to your visit here?” “Before accepting the proposal, Lord Inder wants to study United Hell Undivided. If he does this directly Brahma will come to know and he will put impediments in his way. So Inder is desperately in search of a model place which will give him the real feel of Hell. And you tell me-can there be a better model of Hell than Mera Bharat Mahaan’?” “I didn’t quite get you.” “I’ll explain. You have everything which Satan ordered here: nepotism, terrorism, regionalism, castesim, mandalism, mandirism et al. The only ism that is missing is humanism. You have a delicious pot-pourri of murders, rapes, looting, arson, smuggling, black marketing, rioting etc. You name a crime and you’ll find a thousand examples in MBM.” “Yes, your are right,” Garam Singh said nodding his head. But why have you come to me?” “If Inder wants to rule successfully in Hell he needs a role model who has survived and triumphed in MBM. And I am quite sure he will not get a better role model than you.” “That is quite true but I am myself quite frustrated nowadays.” “Frustrated, and you? I can’t believe it. Why the Hell or rather why the MBM are you frustrated? You have everything any man can aspire for - name, fame, health and wealth. You look like a well fed Sumo wrestler. I have heard that you have 16 six digit bank accounts in 16 different banks in 16 different counties of Switzerland.” Garam Singh jumped up. “Shh! For heaven’s sake, shut up. If CBI comes to know I will be put behind bars for sixteen years.” “Sorry, GS, but apart from moolah you have also charmed the Goddess of fame. I Have read your name in the Guinness Book of World Records. You hold the record for crossing the floor the maximum number of times. In your thirty year political career you have crossed the floor a record fifty six times.” “Yes, that is quite true. Guinness people were very happy with my modest achievement,” Garam Singh said bowing his head. “Apart from this, as a writer too you are quite famous. Your first book The subtle art and abstract science of crossing floors has broken all sales records. Even in heaven we received a few pirated copies.” “Yes you are right. And I wonder if you know that my second book How to take kickbacks and move forward has been translated into all the Indian languages as well as Swahili, Hebrew and Gothic.” “And I also heard that your latest work Ignited Behinds went into second reprint the very day it hit the stands.” “Correct, in fact Steven Speelburgher has already approached me to make a horror film loosely based on the book.” “Than with so much in your kitty why are you frustrated?” “Actually I still haven’t been able to achieve my real ambition in life.” “To sing like Hamesha Resham? “That I can anytime. All I have to do is to ask my wife to sit on my throat and twist my arm.” “Then what is that dream that you are unable to fulfill.” “My ambition is to become the chief Minister of Ulta Pradesh. I have tried everything under the sun to achieve this goal. I have changed parties, ideologies, camps, everything. I have even gone to Tirupathi Balaji at my own expense not once but twenty nine times. But success has still eluded me. Scores of times I have come immensely close to realizing my ambition, but something or the other has happened at the last minute denying me that which I want most in my life. In fact I suspect there is a conspiracy?” “A conspiracy!” “Yes, an international conspiracy. I suspect the presence of a foreign hand, either the LTTE or the ISI.” “ISI is more likely. My sources inform me that even in Hell they are busy hatching plots. Anyways, what are you now planning to do to achieve your ambition?” “My family astrologer has predicted that my stars are soon to enter a favorable phase. All I have to do is to think of a suitable strategy to achieve my mission.” “Then I shouldn’t disturb the flow of thoughts of a mighty brain like yours. I am pushing off but I’ll be in constant touch.” Unthonee Muni left and Garam Singh, a thoughtful expression on his massive map, began pacing the floor. Suddenly his face lit up and he jumped. Archimedes in a similar situation had shouted ‘Eureka!’ but Garam Singh, being handicapped by his lack of knowledge of a foreign tongue and being a true nationalist, shouted, “Mil gaya! Mil gaya!’” He grabbed his cell and began punching numbers furiously. “Hello , Dushyant, beta Dude, listen, I have just had a brilliant idea. I can’t tell you the details now. ISI may have had my cell tapped. We have to call an urgent meeting in my house tomorrow morning sharp at ten. We have to call all our well wishers. Yes, Yes, Lala Dharamseth, Moong Dal, Garib Das, Fakir Chand…. no, no, we will not involve Pappu Singh or Mayabatti right now. Their credentials are still suspect. Don’t forget Lala. In fact, it would be better if you could go to his house and invite him personally.” Page 1 |
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| 19 | 20 February 24, 2007 |
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