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Humor /Satire Chapter 6 �What�s it?� he barked. �I want to meet Professor Anpadh.� �Have you taken an appointment?� �Yes, of course. Here�s my card.� The peon took the card looked at it very intently and said, �You�ll have to pay me commission.� �Commission? What commission?� �Give me a 50 rupee note.� �50 bucks for taking the card inside? With 50 bucks I can buy a pappi from Rambha, Urvashi or Menaka!� �This money is not for taking the card inside. Do you think I am corrupt or what? The 50 rupee note is for interrupting my dreams. I was in the middle of such a nice fantasy . . . I was in my village Jhunjhunapur enjoying my honeymoon with Pretty Zinta and Nisha Kothewali and . . .� �Okay maan, take this money and get me inside.� The peon pocketed the 50 rupee note and disappeared inside. He reappeared a moment later and said, �Saab is a bit busy. He is very tense. In Sharjah India-Pakistan final is in progress. It�s the last over of the match. You can go in after fifteen minutes.� Unthonee and the peon kept glaring at each other. After ten minutes there was a buzz. The peon pointed to the door and said, �You can go in now.� Unthonee entered the room. A fat man with a coconut shaped head and cauliflower ears was sitting behind a huge desk. He motioned Unthonee to sit down, looked at the card and said, �Yes, Mr. Moony, what can I do for you?� �Sir, I want to do my Ph.D. in English Literature and I would feel honored if you could be my guide.� �No problem. How fast do you want to complete it - one week, one month, six months, one year or five years?� �Sir, I couldn�t follow. How can I tell you how long it will take? We haven�t even finalized the topic.� �Let me explain. If you are in a hurry and want to complete it in a week�s time it can be organized. However, if you are getting a scholarship and free accommodation in the hostel then we can even drag on for five years.� �Sir, I am in a great hurry. But one week is too much. You must be pulling my leg. How the hell is it possible to complete a doctorate in seven days?� �No, Mr. Moony, I am not pulling your leg or any other part of your anatomy, I am serious. I have a ready made data bank on every subject. All you have to do is to make photo copies and rearrange the matter slightly. After which we can write down the introduction, conclusion and organize an interview. Now, tell me on which topic do you want to do your doctorate?� �Relevance of Kama Sutra in the literature of Uzbekistan�� would be the ideal topic.� �Fantastic. A very challenging, thought-provoking and interesting topic. Right away I�ll give you two Ph.D. theses, along with a list of books with page numbers as well as the URLs of a few websites. All you have to do is to photocopy the relevant pages from the theses, take a few print outs of the sites and get all these bound. Two days later I�ll dictate out the required introduction. A day later we�ll fix the interview and the next day you will become Dr. Unthonee Moony.� �B . . but, sir, this is truly fantastic. I don�t think anywhere in the world we have this kind of speed and efficiency.� Professor Anpadh leaned forward and looking straight into Anthony�s eyes said, �Yes, you are right. But, Mr. Moony, remember Professor Anpadh too is not there anywhere else in the world.� �Sir, can I now take leave?� �Sit, sit. What�s the hurry? We have to discuss and finalize the terms.� �Terms? What terms?� �Money, Mr. Moony. Sabka sapna money, money. For different time schemes the rates are different. For less than a week the rate is two lakhs, for one month one lakh, one year seventy five thousand and for five years thirty thousand.� �But two lakhs is too much.� �Then you can take a walk. In my boutique the prices are fixed. No bargaining and no off-season discounts.� �But, sir . . . � �No buts, Mr. Moony. You can yourself calculate. Out of the two lakhs, twenty five thousand each will go to the three experts who will form the interview panel and twenty five thousand to my department staff. My take home will be one lakh. Tell me, for all this planning and hard work, is one lakh too much?� �Okay, Professor, I agree. Now can I ask you a question?� �Now that we are partners in progress, Comrade Moony you can ask me ten?" Professor Anpadh replied grinning expansively at Unthonee. �You have have reduced this noble profession to a cut-throat business. Don�t you feel any remorse?� �Why should I Comrade Moony? Teaching is a business and after politics the most lucrative one. I myself was a share-broker earlier and after that a real estate agent. But I found that education is much more profitable. The investment is minimum and the returns prodigious. These kind of returns you cannot get anywhere else except in politics. In fact I wanted to join politics but I didn�t since I was lacking the essential qualifications.� �Essential qualifications? I couldn�t follow.� �In politics if you want to succeed you should have committed at least a dozen murders, half a dozen rapes and some more decent and respectable crimes. I was highly under qualified. I had only a couple of forgery charges to my credit. With this kind of miserable and indecent track record I had no chances of achieving success, hence I got into academics.� Just then there was a commotion outside. Unthonee could see a huge procession of students carrying placards and shouting slogans on the road. �Sir, what is all this?� �This is a demonstration by the students. They want the anti-copying act to be abolished. They say that copying is their birthright. The act, which is denying them of their fundamental rights, is against the constitution. And not only that, they also want a new amendment to be introduced.� �What�s that?� �They are demanding that there should be no invigilation in the examination hall. It disturbs their concentration, as a result of which they are not able to copy properly.� Page 1 |
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| 19 | 20 March 31, 2007 |
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