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Humor /Satire Chapter 7 “Come, Gyani, come, Meet Mr. Unthonee. He will be doing his Ph.D. under me. And, Unthonee, this is Gyanendra Saraswatiputra, Gyani for short. For fifteen years he had been in B.A. final. Earlier this year he came to me. We finalised the terms and in six months a miracle happened. The student who had been all set to make it to the Limca Book of Records for failing a record number of times bagged a silver medal for securing the second position in the university. “Saarji, I
have come to you to discuss about this very same silver medal. I am in
great trouble. You had promised that you will give me a gold medal and
my marriage was also fixed keeping this in mind. Saarji, as you know
there is a lot of difference between a silver medal and a gold medal. In
the marriage market the gold medal rate is two lakh rupees while the
silver medal rate is one lakh rupees. Thinking that I will get a gold
medal I took two lakh rupees from my future father-in-law and also spent
the money. He is now demanding his one lakh back. He is very powerful.
If I don’t return the money he will get me castrated,” Gyani said. “But, Saarji, what will happen to me? My father-in-law will skin me alive.” “I have an idea. If you give me another ten thousand I’ll declare you and Satyakam as joint winners. Okay?” “Ten thousand more. Okay Saraji, I’ll try.” Gyani left looking a lot happier. “My God, sir, you are a great businessman. You should be on the cover of Fortune magazine. But, sir, is everything decided only on the basis of money?” “No, not at all. In this matter we are very flexible. We accept both cash and kind. Last year I had a student-Basmati Chawalbhai. He was awarded a gold medal. He in turn will be supplying rice, wheat and pulses for a period of five years. There was another student who, like you, was in a great hurry. I completed his Ph.D. in one week. He was the son of that very famous industrialist Chawanni Phatehalkar. He will now supply cosmetics and clothes for my entire family for the next ten years. A butcher Rahamdil Kasai was also my student. Since the last three years he has been giving me the best quality mutton and chicken free of cost.” “But sir, all this is corruption. Don’t you feel guilty?” “Corruption! Guilty! What nonsense are you talking Moony? In fact, I am preserving the ancient culture and values of this great country of ours.” “Preserving values? I don’t understand.” “See, Unthonee, in the good old days we had this concept of Guru Dakshina. I have only modernized this great tradition. In fact, I deserve an award for preserving and nurturing Indian culture.” Unthonee stared at him for a couple of seconds and then slowly shaking his head asked, “Sir how is the appointment of lecturers done? There too do you have this concept of corruption – sorry Guru Dakshina ?” “Yes, of course. We do not believe in discrimination. The posts are auctioned off to the highest bidder.” “Sir, what about admission to school? I want to get my nephew admitted in nursery in a good school.” “No problem. My wife and daughter-in-law are running a school – Smart Kid Public School. He will get admission in it.” “Sir, what will be the fees?” “Not much. Since you are now an old and valued customer the rate will be only twenty five thousand.” “T . . twenty five thousand? But that’s too much.” “Moony, again have started your old refrain. Okay, I’ll give you the break-up. Tuition fees two thousand, out of turn admission fees rupees three thousand, the rest for window fund, garden fund, curtain fund, lights and fans fund, washing closet fund, wash basin fund etc. etc,” the Professor stopped for taking a breath and then continued, “One more thing-do you want to ensure that your nephew always stands first in class?” “Definitely, sir.” “Then you’ll have to pay two thousand rupees extra, every month.” “Two thousand extra! But what does that have to do with his position in the class? “I’ll explain. Out of the two thousand the class teacher will get one thousand. She will look after the child. Just before the exam she will leak out the question paper and make sure your nephew knows all the answers. With this kind of creative guidance even a donkey can top the class so there should be no problem for your nephew.” “But, sir, what will happen later? As a result of this creative guidance the kid will learn nothing and in the board exam he will definitely fail.” “Moony, now you are talking like a mentally retarded porpoise. During the board exam the examination center will be in the school itself. The invigilators will be all known persons. They will themselves dictate the answers. Once he gets a good percentage, as he is definitely bound to, then getting admission into Engineering or Medicine will not be any problem. For a paltry sum of two thousand rupees per month you can ensure for your nephew a bright and secure future. Tell me, is it not a great investment - better than shares or real estate? For my own kids I have done the same thing. My elder son is an Engineer. I got twenty lakhs in his marriage as dowry. For my second son, who is a doctor, I have already got an offer of twenty eight lakhs, thirty three thousand and seven hundred and the bidding has just started.” Just then there was a huge commotion outside. Unthonee could see from the window a procession being taken out. Several old and middle-aged persons, looking like Professors and lecturers, were shouting slogans and carrying placards. “What is this?” Unthonee asked. “This is a protest against the new reservation policy. The protest has been organized by teachers. The new policy is really detrimental to our interests. According to the Policy, there is going to be discrimination even in Guru Dakshina. For instance, if the professor or lecturer belongs to the scheduled caste or tribe then the Dakshina automatically becomes double. On the other hand, if the student is from the scheduled caste or tribe the Dakshina gets reduced by fifty percent. If this continues we are doomed. We might as well go back to real estate or share business. And now, Unthonee, please excuse me. I have to lead the procession and deliver a few inspiring speeches. You can come with the cash tomorrow. By the way, I also accept credit cards. Bye.” Professor Anpadh rushed out. Page 1 |
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