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Humor /Satire Chapter 8 �Future FIL, did you see the news on your favourite channel Kab Tak ?� �No, Dude. I have to deliver a speech in my nephew�s college tomorrow on � Gandhigiri in Indian politics�. I was thinking of some points. Why what happened? You seem very excited.� �The chief Election commissioner has announced the election date. The elections will be held on 25th August.� �25th August! Hai Ram! This means we have only eight weeks left.� �That bald bandit has done it on purpose. To display his power,� Dude said. �Nothing of that sort. That swine Samaj Sewak must have given him a suitcase or two and Baldy must have mortgaged his morals. Anyways, we must act real fast or else be prepared to write the obituary of Congress Alpha. You convene a meeting at this time tomorrow morning. Call everyone who matters. And don�t forget Lala. You go and pick him up.� �Why, any special reason?� �Yes, my sources have informed me that Samaj Sewak may try to wean Lala from Congress Alpha. We have to be very careful with Lala. We can�t afford to lose him. All the Forward Caste votes are in his pocket.� �Forward Caste votes? But I thought that the most effective strategy would be to try for the votes of Scheduled Castes, Scheduled Tribes, Backward Classes and the minorities. Even in the US of A all the parties make efforts to woo the minority vote banks like Asians, Jews and Gays.� �You seem very outdated as far as your political knowledge is concerned. The strategy you are talking about is outmoded now. This is the post-Mandal era. Anyone who doesn�t belong to the SC, ST and OBC communities is in a minority. Thanks to Mister Mandal and his band of zealots, only seven per cent of the people now belong to the Forward Caste. As a result, their thinking is like that of the minorities. They harbour the same insecurities, and suffer from the same fear psychosis.� �I didn�t realize that. Any other preparation for tomorrow�s meeting?� �Yes, get hold of the country�s top astrologers and the computer people who make poll prediction- what are they called peso� pesofo�� �You mean psephologists?� �Yes, yes, consult them today itself and let me know their views.� *** The meeting began sharp at ten with Garam Singh addressing his trusted band of followers. �Friends,� began Garam Singh, �As you know, elections have been announced and we have less than eight weeks before the day of reckoning. We have to plan every nuance of our strategy to perfection. Dude has been doing some ground work and I now invite him to make his presentation.� �Future FIL and dear friends, on the instructions of my FFIL I spent the whole of yesterday contacting the country�s top twenty astrologers and four psephologists. According to twelve astrologers and three psephologists Congress Alpha is going to win with a thumping majority.� There was a burst of applause. �Please wait, there is more to come, according to eleven astrologers and one psephologist Alpha is going to be trounced in the elections. This means that we have to be very cautious and play our cards right. Now I have the pleasure of inviting Param Pandit Shri Dhokelal for making his presentation. As some of you might be aware, Shri Dhokhelal is the only designer astrologer in the country. He has had several successful predictions to his credit. He predicted five years ago that the prices of essential commodities in Mera Bharat Mahaan would continue to rise at the rate of 28.067 percent every year. He had also predicted that the number of cases of rape, looting and arson in our beloved country would increase by 37.009 per cent each year and that Indian cricket team�s success rate at home would be 9.89 per cent and abroad 5.2 per cent. Friends, please welcome the one and only Param Pandit Shri Dhokelal.� An old man of around sixty five got up. He was wearing a dark pink safari suit and sporting twelve strings of multicoloured beads around his neck. He bowed elaborately and began speaking: �Om Ganeshaya Namah! Om Paisaya Namah! My learned friends, for the last ten days and eight nights I have been studying the Janam Kundlis of Shri Garam Singhji and Samaj Sewak. Shri Garam Singhji was born when the Leo ascendant was rising. The Leo lagna gives solidity and strength to the Karmic group of signs and the special qualities of perseverance, grit, intelligence and a scientific bent of mind. The practical aims of karma are united in the Tauraus lagna, bringing one the benefits of one�s labour. When Garam Singhji was born Mars was in the tenth house, Saturn in the eleventh and Jupiter was homeless. This augurs very well for the future. His Jupiter will reach home when Garam Singhji enters his seventieth year. And as you all know Shri Garam Singhji will be turning seventy on twentieth August, just five days before the elections. On twenty fifth August Shri Garam Singhji�s Ketu will be strangling Samaj Sewak�s Rahu. If Shri Garam Singh starts practising sheershasana from eight minutes past four in the morning to eleven minutes past five in the evening on every alternate Thursday then he will become invincible. Apart from this, if he sits in bhujangasana holding his left ear lobe with his right hand and his right ear lobe with his left hand for eleven minutes every day, then no one can beat Congress Alpha.� �Very good, very good,� exclaimed Lala. �Garam Singh Zindabad, Param Pandit Dhokelal Zindabad!� shouted the rest. �Garam Singh, it is my request that as soon as you become Chief Minister you should send Dr. Dhokelal on an official tour to Hawaii, Honolulu and Honduras to propagate the philosophy and practice of Indian astrology,� suggested Lala. Everyone dutifully applauded and Dr. Dhokelal took his seat. Dude got up and declared, �Now, my dear FFIL and friends, I have the honour of presenting before you the top psephologist of the country � Mr. Apple Computerwalla. This year, on the auspicious occasion of Makarasankranti, Mr. Computerwalla could calculate that out of all the kites flying in our country 33.3 per cent were yellow in colour, 22.5 per cent were blue, 10.33 per cent were green, and the remaining were a combination of all these colours. For this unique achievement the Somalia Government in exile honoured him with the title of Computoroo Patanda or Computer King. Friends, please welcome Mr. Apple Computerwalla.� Mr. Apple Computerwalla was a tall, lanky person, around thirty years of age, immaculately clad in a three piece suit. He switched on his laptop and said, �Dear friends, I have been studying the fortune of both Congress Alpha and Janata Khichdi for the last one month. Statistics reveal that out of the seventy districts of Ulta Pradesh there is a swing in favour of Congress Alpha in fifty seven districts.� He waited for the information to sink in and then continued, �84.85 per cent of females in the age group of twenty one to forty three, who do not use any brand of nail polish, will vote for Congress Alpha.� He looked around and then added, �72.08 per cent of the males in the age group twenty nine to sixty two, who do not shave on Sundays, will cast their vote in favour of Congress Alpha.� Apple Computerwalla stopped and his fingers flew over the keys on his laptop. After around four minutes he said, �As a result of my in-depth analysis and intricate calculations I have come to the conclusion that the chances of Shri Garam Singh losing the election are 0.66 per cent and the chances of Samaj Sewak winning are also surprisingly 0.66 per cent.� There was thunderous applause. �FFIL, I am sure you remember that during your last visit to your constituency Phatehalpur you had promised to set up 41 centrally airconditioned Computer Academies in different villages. We should nominate Mr. Computerwalla as the Director of this prestigious project,� suggested Dude. �Sure, sure,� agreed Garam Singh. �Dr. Dhokelal and Mr. Computerwalla are very busy persons. We should felicitate and then relase them,� Dude said. Garam Singh draped a silk shawl around them and presented each of them an envelope. The two experts profusely thanked the gathering and left. Page 1 |
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