The Great Indian Political Circus by Ramendra Kumar

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Humor /Satire
The Great Indian Political Circus
by Ramendra Kumar

Chapter 9

“After listening to the predictions and analyses of the two learned men I am confident of the victory of our party. To convert this confidence into reality we need proper planning,” Lala opined.

“You are absolutely right, Lala. Now, I invite each one of you come forward with your ideas and suggestions.”

“Since the time is too short for us to plan long term strategies we will have to think of short term tactics. This is the time for guerrilla warfare,” suggested Dude.

“Gorilla warfare? Does he want us to hire gorillas to fight the elections?” whispered a nonplussed Garib Das to Fakir Chand.

“Guerilla warfare, bewakoof, not gorilla. Haven’t you heard of guerrilla warfare? The kind your Shivaji used to indulge in against our Aurangzeb,” explained Fakir Chand.

“…….. And so, as I was saying, we should plan to malign the present government and capitalize on the negative publicity that is generated.”

“This is a very good idea. As luck would have it, this year Moharram and Holi are falling on the same day. Why don’t we engineer communal riots in different cities?” suggested Moong Dal.

“I have a friend in the US of A who specializes in orchestrating communal riots. The recent black versus white riots in New Jersey were masterminded by my him. We can hire him and because of our friendship he will offer us a twenty per cent discount,” Dude said.

“As soon as the riots start and the death toll reaches a respectable number, we can blame the government for its inefficiency and gross negligence of duty,” Moong Dal added.

“My idea is even better,” said Garib Das. “As you are aware, the milk vendors of our colony have been evacuated to build a shopping complex and a cinema hall. Why don’t we start an agitation demanding a separate state for the Dhoodhwalas? We can name the state Doodhkhand, Dahikhand or Shreekhand.”

“My idea is far more potent than any of these,” said Fakir Chand. “All of you know, there are two very ferocious tribes in Lovely Pradesh – the Pullings and he Streelings. These two have been fighting with each other for centuries. My agents have informed that of late there is a fresh upsurge in animosity between these two tribes.”

“Why is that?” asked Garam Singh.

Recently a strand of hair was discovered in a bottle of booze right in the middle of their temple. The Pullings claim that the strand is from the moustache of their idol John Beraham, while the Streelings maintain that the hair is from the armpit of their Goddess Bips Basoo. Samaj Sewak is supporting the Streelings who are in a minority. He is of the opinion that the Pullings have been dominating the Streelings for thousands of years, hence the latter deserve greater consideration and sympathy. We should support the Pullings, maintaining that we do not believe in appeasing the minorities. We should emphasise that we would like to honour the sentiments of the majority community. If we take this stand then all the votes of the Pullings will be in our pocket and Janata Khichdi will be finished.”

“Wonderful, wonderful!” said Garam Singh. ‘All the ideas are quite creative and brilliant. Had Chanakya been alive he would have come to you to learn the basics of Koot Neeti. However, there is one problem. To implement these ideas we need time, and friends, time is the only item in Mera Bharat Mahaan not available in black. We should have a plan that will yield quick results,”

“I think the best strategy would be to attack Samal Sewak,” said Lala. “If he is defamed then our battle is as good as won. Without Samaj Sewak Janata Khichdi is a big zero. It is a one man show. I am familiar with each and every grain of Janata Khichdi. As you all know, till last month I was a minister in the Government. When Garam Singh pleaded with me to help him fight a war for the liberation of the oppressed, suppressed and depressed millions, I couldn’t hold back and agreed to join him in his crusade.”

“Lala is, as usual, absolutely right. We should think of a strategy to cover Samaj Sewak’s face with high quality dung.”

“I have the idea of the century,” said Fakir Chand snapping his fingers. “Do you know on May 19, 2005, Samaj Sewak was travelling in Rwanda Airways flight from Mumbai to Dubai?”

“So what? Was he drunk?” questioned Garib Das.

“Did he try to smooch the air hostess?” enquired Dude.

“Was he trying to smuggle brown sugar in his Gandhi topi?” asked Moong Dal.

“No, no, nothing as trivial as all these. I am talking about very serious stuff,” Fakir Chand said, lowering his voice. “Barood Ibrahim’s right hand Bheega Adrak was also travelling by the same plane and was in fact sitting next to Samaj Sewak. Not only that, during the flight Samaj Sewak gave 13 salt biscuits to, Bheega Adrak, he is diabetic you know, and Bheega Adrak, in turn, gave three sweet biscuits to Samaj Sewak. Using this vital information we can prove that Samaj Sewak was involved in the Mumbai blasts, the attack on the Parliament and various other peace initiatives unleashed by Barood bhai.”

“Not bad, not bad at all,” declared Garib Das. “But my plan has far greater chances of hitting the jackpot. I have a photograph which shows SS and Barood Ibrahim himself sharing nariyal pani in a disco in Dubai. Armed with this crucial piece of evidence we can start a campaign demanding the arrest of SS under TATA – The Terrorism and Anti-Terrorist Act.”

“These ideas are indeed very good but they will only succeed in damaging SS’s reputation, not destroying him. What we need is the ultimate weapon – a weapon as potent as any bramhastra ,” Dude said.

“Ultimate weapon? Don’t tell me you are planning to kill him with an AK-47,” asked Lala.

“By ultimate weapon I mean Woman,” declared Dude barely managing to suppress a sneer.

“When God wanted to evict Adam from Paradise he created Eve. Since then she has served as the most potent weapon invented by either man or God. Right from Uncle Adam to Bill Clinton, no one has survived the onslaught of the fair sex. This is the ideal moment to import this technique to India,” Yuppy proposed.

“Great idea! Are we then going to invite Monika Loo Winsky to Ulta Pradesh? I have been dying to shake hands with her,” panted Moong Dal.

“Relax, Moongji, relax. Don’t get so excited. We can’t afford her. All of Mera Bharat Mahaan’s foreign exchange reserves will be spent in paying her fees. And, moreover, we are committed to encouraging local talent,” Yuppy said.

“Do you have anyone specific in mind?” asked Garam Singh.

“Yes, I know the ideal candidate for the project. Makhmal Malini – India’s number one sex symbol. As you are aware, her last ten films have been superhits with three of them – Jawaani Ki Bhookh, Pyaasa Man Bheega Tan and Jism Ki Aagl celebrating platinum jubilees. With permission I can meet and try to persuade her,” said Dude looking around.

“Very good idea, very good,” Lala said looking at Garam Singh for support.

“Okay, puttar, best of luck,” Garam Singh said.

Dude touched Garam Singh’s feet and left.

Lala got up and warmly embraced Garam Singh.

“Wah! Garam Singh, you are a real genius. What a smart young man you have managed to ensnare for your daughter! This fellow is a real genius. If he manages to convince Makhmal Malini, then our victory is certain.”

– Continued

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April 21, 2007

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