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Humor /Satire Chapter 13 “Obviously. I have been waiting in this damn queue for the last one hour and it hasn’t moved an inch.” “If you want to go in immediately give me a hundred rupee note.” “But why the hell should I? This is s a Government hospital, the treatment is supposed to be free of charge.” “The treatment is free of charge. The hundred rupee note is to jump the queue. You have been waiting for only one hour. That farmer there has come all the way from his village, which is two hundred miles from here. He has been waiting for around seven hours and he’ll continue waiting for at least four more. If you want to keep him company it is not my problem. I was only trying to help you,” Unthonee
though for a moment and then gave the peon a hundred rupee note. “Come, saab, follow me.” He opened the door of the cabin and pushed Unthonee inside as the people in the queue started protesting. “Shut up! Saar had prior appointment with Doctor Saab - that’s why I allowed him to go earlier.” Unthonee entered the cabin and found a tall, well built man, clad in a T-shirt and Bermudas, sitting with his feet on the desk reading a bestseller by Robin Cook. “Dr. Injectionwala, what is this? We were gives the impression that you are very busy and here I find you relaxing.” “Relaxing? You fool, can’t you see? Instead of coming to me you should have gone to an ophthalmologist. I am reading medical literature.” “You call this pulp fiction medical literature?” “This is not pulp fiction. This is a book by Robin Cook. After all, I have to keep pace with the latest developments in the field of medicine. Anyway, how did you barge inside? I had told Jhadulal not to disturb me,” he said ringing a bell. Jhadulal entered. “Yes saab?” “You idiot, why did you send this joker inside? He is acting as if he is from the Anti-Corruption Bureau.” “Saab, you have forgotten. He is a green card holder.” “Green card holder? Arre, gentlemen, why are you standing? I am so sorry for keeping you waiting. Please tell me what’s your problem?” “What is this Green Card?” “Green Card means top priority. You must have given hundred rupees. Fifty rupees means yellow card and thirty rupees means orange card.” “And no money?” “No money is red card meaning no entry. Achha, tell me, what is your problem?” “Doctor, I am suffering a from very severe cold.” “Cold. Oh my God! That is a very serious problem. Now quickly tell me, is your right nostril more affected or your left nostril?” “I think my left nostril is more affected.” “Then you will have to go to my colleague.” “But why?” “You must have seen my board – Dr. Tokru Injectionwala, FRCS, Magadishu, GM (RN). GM(RN) means specialist in General Medicine and Super Specialist in the Right Nostril.” “My God! This is unbelievable. You have specialization to this extent! Then for teeth do you have 32 Super Specialists?” “No, in Dental, the specialization is of a different sort. We have different Super Specialists for Gums, Molars, Incisors etc. Anyway, as far as you are concerned there shouldn’t be any problem. I can recommend you to my colleague, Dr. Enema Compounder.” “Okay, please fix an appointment with her. I’ll go this evening.” “I’ll ring up Enema right away. But it’s better you go to her private clinic. There will not be much rush and she can examine you properly.” “Thanks, but will I have to get a green card again?” “No, an orange card will do.” At around seven Unthonee was sitting in the air conditioned cabin of Dr. Enema Compounder. She was a young lady of around twenty five with a cute face and a great figure. She was peering into Unthonee’s left nostril. “I think we will have to carry out a number of tests.” “Tests for common cold?” “Unthonee, common cold is never to be underestimated. It can lead to number of very serious complications. People have even died as a result of this dreaded ailment.” “Died, because of common cold? I don’t believe it.” “Last year a young man had come to me. He was suffering from common cold. In spite of my repeated advice he did not undergo the tests I had recommended. And that poor fellow died in a bus accident.” “Bus accident? But what does that have to do with the common cold?” “When he was crossing the road he had a sneezing fit. As a result he could not see properly and was run over by a bus. Had he taken my advice he would have been very much alive today.” Dr. Enema wiped a non-existent tear from her left eye and sobbed into her handkerchief. “Okay. I am convinced. Give ma a list of the tests and I’ll get them done right away.” “Let’s see, we’ll have to take an X-ray of your nose, chest, mouth, left ear lobe, neck, hair, teeth, gums, chin, toes, left ankle and tongue. After that blood test, blood culture, urine test, stool examination, allergy tests, sputum examination, Ultrasound, CT scan and MRI.” “Ultrasound, CT Scan and MRI! But those are for much more complicated ailments. Are all these sophisticated tests really necessary for common cold?” “Dear Unthonee, please have faith on me. If these were not necessary why would I have suggested them? And please remember get these tests done only at the clinics suggested by me. Otherwise we will not get proper results. And also keep taking these 23 pills and 37 capsules every day.” Dr. Enema scribbled some more and handed over the paper to Unthonee. “But why so many capsules and pills?” “After undergoing all these tests you will feel very tired. These capsules and pills will energize you and make you feel fit. And please buy all these medicines only from the Gol Maal Medical Centre. All the other medical shops sell fake medicines. Please meet me again a week later, same time, same place.” Unthonee shook hands with Dr. Enema and walked out in a daze. A week later Unthonee was once again sitting in front of Dr. Enema Compounder. Dr. Enema was leafing through a bundle of reports and X-rays. “Good, good. We have eliminated almost all the major diseases, The CT and MRI confirm that you neither suffer from Myesthenia Gravis nor Lymphocircoma of the intestines. Ultrasound confirms that you are not afflicted with AIDS. Now let’s have a detailed look at the X-rays,” Dr. Enema said peering at the X-rays. “The X-ray of the nose is all right, ears, neck, hair, teeth, gums, chin ankle, earlobe, toes all seem to be okay.” Suddenly she stopped, looked at one of the X-rays, got up and placed it on the stand. “I think there is some problem in the chest X-ray. See, Unthonee, there is a black spot very close to the heart. This can be very dangerous.” “D….. dangerous,” stuttered Unthonee. “Now, now, dear Unthonee, not to worry, not to worry. Dr. Enema is there to take care. We’ll do one thing. We’ll get the MRI scan and Ultrasound done once again. I’ll ring up Dr. Z-Ray. He will charge seventy per cent extra but will do the tests himself. In the mean time you keep taking these capsules and pills and also 17 injections daily.” Loking pale and shaken Unthonee left the clinic. A week later Unthonee was sitting in front of Dr. Enema who was looking at the reports. “That’s strange: both MRI and Ultrasound reports are perfectly alright. Okay, what you can do is go in for the chest X-ray once again and come and meet me tomorrow.” The next day Unthonee was once again sitting in front of Dr. Enema and watching her look at the X-ray. “Wonderful Unthonee! We have done it. Congrats! You are now perfectly all right. I had told you that my diagnosis and treatment can never be wrong. Two weeks under my care and you are a new man. Congrats once again to you and me. I’ll compile the details of your case and send them to USA. The whole world will know about my fantastic treatment and your patience, dedication and cooperation. One never knows, I might also win the Nobel Prize for treating your case. In case that happens half the prize money will be yours. You truly deserve it,” Enema Compounder said, the sparkle in her eyes lighting up her pretty face. “Enema Compounder,” said Unthonee, gnashing his teeth, “your name really suits you. You deserve to be only a Compounder not a doctor.” “What? What do you mean?” asked Enema taken aback. “Your diagnosis was bullshit and treatment horseshit. I was suffering from a common cold and you made me undergo all those goddamned tests. You wasted more than ten thousand bucks of mine. After eating all those capsules and pills and taking the damn injections I feel like a cross between an Egyptian mummy and ventriloquist’s dummy.” “Common cold! You imbecile, you had a hole in your stupid heart.” “Oh shut up and listen to me. Then was no bloody whole. In the lapel of the gown which I had worn to take the X-ray, a metallic badge was pinned. That is why there was a black spot in the X-ray and the ass that you are, you assumed it was a hole. Compounder, I don’t have a bloody hole in my heart – you have a damn hole in your head.” Unthonee threw the X-ray and reports on Dr. Enema Compounder face and walked out in disgust. Page 1 |
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