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Humor /Satire Chapter 14 “My dear FFIL and friends. Time is running out for us. The election is only three weeks and the things are really hotting up in the Janata Khichdi camp. They have engaged ‘Hot Air International‘, the biggest advertising agency in the country. And I am told that the agency has planned the most ambitious advertising campaign in Indian history. If we don’t do anything to counter the campaign immediately we’ll be wiped off.” “Dude, you are our one man brain trust. Tell us what is to be done?” Lala said. “I think we should also go in for engaging the services of an agency. Let them plan the entire campaign for us. In fact I have already taken the liberty of inviting Aleck Goddamasee, the Chef of ‘Bakwas India’ the number two agency in the country, to make a presentation. I gave him the briefing yesterday. In a few minutes Aleck and his team will be here for the presentation.” Just then there was a knock on the door. Dude opened the door and said, “Welcome Aleck. Please come. I am glad you could make it at such short notice. We are all waiting for you.” A sixty year old man wearing horn-rimmed spectacles, sporting a French bread and long, matted locks entered. He was clad in pink Bermudas and a bright orange T-shirt. Behind him was a young girl of around twenty who was wearing a tight red T-shirt and iridescent-green hot pants. Accompanying them was a young man of around twenty five, immaculately clad in a three piece suit. Dude introduced Aleck to the audience and requested him to take the floor. “Thanks, Dude and gentlemen. I am Aleck and with me is my sixth wife and fourteenth girlfriend Hairan Tight Pants. She is a singer, model, dancer, actress and also our Creative Director. We also have here Murugan Muthu Pillai, Director Client Servicing, Bakwas India. We request you gentleman to lend us your eyes and ears.” The team got busy setting up a huge plasma screen. The lights were switched off, the screen came alive and Aleck appeared on it. “Welcome, gentlemen, to the presentation on the New Ultra Super Strong, Congress Alpha – the latest party with the tingling freshness of lime. We have for you a series of Ads for the electronic media. These Ads are basically aimed at creating awareness about Congress Alpha. Please watch.” Aleck disappeared ad Hairan appeared. She was clad in a two-piece swimsuit and gyrating to Hamesha Resham’s lyrics:
The Ad was greeted with a burst of applause. Aleck came on the screen grinning from ear to ear. “Well gentlemen, I am sure you must have lusted...I mean… loved my wife and also liked the Ad. Now we have another Ad, which in marketing jargon is called ‘Comparative Advertising’.” Aleck disappeared and two ladies appeared on the screen. One was young and beautiful and was clad in a barely there mini. The other was old, homely and dowdy and was dressed in a faded yellow cotton sari. The young one: “My name is Pretty Preeti, my heart beats for Congress Alpha.” The older one: “My name is Matrusri Mamtabhari Kanakdale, my heart beats for Janata Khichdi which has SS in it.” Voice Over: “What is SS?” Kanakdale: “SS means Samaj Sewak – it also means Super Strong.” Preeti” “Cong Alpha has GS in it.” Voice Over: “What is GS.” Preeti” “GS means Garam Singh. It also means Ghazab ka strong.” The older lady disappeared in a puff of smoke. Preeti pouted prettily and declared: “Vote for Congress Alpha – the only party with GS.” There was complete silence for a split second and then Garam Singh got up and started clapping. “Very, very good, very, very Good,” he said. The others also started applauding. Aleck appeared on the screen. “Gentleman, we have another sensational Ad featuring my wife Hairan.” Hairan came on the screen in jeans and a see-through top. The scene was inside a polling booth. There was a huge ballot box right in the middle and Hairan started writhing around it crooning throatily:
She came out of the polling booth. A young man was standing outside with a bundle of notes in his hand. She took the bundle, tucked it in her top and continued singing:
The lights were switched on and Aleck addressed the audience. “Gentlemen, this was a preview of the Ads. We will also be publishing posters and stickers of Congress Alpha. Plans are on the anvil to introduce a drink called Alpha Sip. To promote the product and the party we will launch a massive promotional campaign. With every bottle of Alpha Sip we’ll give two straws free. We’ll also hold a quiz contest. The entry form will carry three simple questions: What does GS stand for?’ ‘What is the full name of Dude?’ and ‘What is the age of Lala?” Lala jumped up at this and started shouting, “Ek minute ek minute. Why my age?Do you want people to know how old I am? Change this question, it is quite stupid.” Aleck bowed, “No problem, sir. We’ll rephrase it. “What is Lala’s birth place?” “Yes, that is a lot better.” “There will also be a slogan competition. Respondents will be asked to complete the slogan – ‘I love Congress Alpha because..’ in not more than 20,000 words.” “Will you give any prizes?” “Yes, of course. But we haven’t yet decided what prizes to give.” “You can offer lifetime membership of Congress Alpha as the first prize,” suggested Garam Singh. “As the second prize you can offer an autographed copy of my life-size portrait,” suggested Lala. “As a consolation prize we can offer ten thousand copies of our Ten Commandments,” Moong Dal said. “Of Course all the ideas are truly original but…” Aleck hesitated and looked at Dude. “I think what Aleck is trying to say is that the people might really not be interested in life-size portrait, autographed or otherwise, of Lalaji or even life membership of Congress Alpha. I think what we should offer is a dinner date with Makhmal, in a restaurant of her choice, as the first prize,” suggested Dude. “But will that not be costly?” enquired Garam Singh. “No, we’ll ask Makhmal to take the winner to her favourite chatwala and order three plates of pani puri. It will not cost more than 25 rupees.” “Wah, kya idea hai!! But what about the other prizes?” asked Lala. “We can give autographed postcard-size photographs of Makhmal in an itsy-bitsy bikini.” “That is an excellent idea. But we will not be able to do justice to Makhmal’s proportions in a postcard,” Aleck said. “Yes, you are right. Okay, then let us print 100 posters of Makhmal in a string bikini and offer them as consolation prizes.” “I have one more idea. Why don’t we make spittoons, paint ‘Janata Khichdi’ on them and distribute them all over,” said Aleck. “Yeh spittoon kya hota hai?” asked Lala. “Spittoon is a place where you can spit. Yes, we could make them of very poor quality and distribute them. We can also draw faces of Samaj Sewak and the rest of his gang on them,” suggested Dude. “Theek hai. Now friends, I think Aleck has done a wonderful job. We should assign him the complete campaign.” “Yes, yes,” Lala said, and the meeting broke up with a formal vote of thanks. Page 1 |
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