Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's the wife's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. - Kathleen Mifsud

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. - Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 40 pounds. - Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the swimming pool." - Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." - Anonymous

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. - Anonymous