I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

I figure if the children are alive when he gets home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton

I think, therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher'

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." - Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." - Baroness Edith Summerskill

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor