Here are some tips for dealing with every kind of telemarketer you can think of:

1. If the telemarketer wants to loan you money, tell him/her you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If the telemarketer starts out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up,... my eyelashes are sore,... my dog just died,... my mother is in the hospital, ... my kid won't do his homework,... my spouse is cheating on me,... I'm going to lose my job... Which one do you want to talk about?"

3. If the telemarketer says they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where the company is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male:
   Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..."
   You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my Gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No!", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

9. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, and that they can't sell to employees or their families, and that you're going to report them to the company.

10. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers don't give out their HOME numbers you say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!"
    Hang up.

11. Ask the telemarketer to repeat everything he/she says, several times.

12. Tell the telemarketer it's dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the telemarketer that you are on "home incarceration for attempted manslaughter" and ask if he/she could bring you some beer.

14. Ask the telemarketer to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your momma?"

16. Tell the telemarketer you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...

17. Tell the telemarketer to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.