Why am I not an atheist? That is because I am not an agnostic. I find the premise of an agnostic funny, I haven't seen something, so I won't believe in it. This is half baked science. I haven't seen Mars, so I reject that it exists?
Spiritual experiences can be felt experiences, and intensely personal. The Godhead can work in various ways of spiritual calling, and ways that are supra natural.
What was the voice that intimately told Mother Teresa to work among the poorest of the poor in Calcutta? Was she trying to work out a rationalistic purview to justify her actions - but why the importunate city of Calcutta? What was the driving force behind that action? Why was it not any other city, or for that matter, any other country.
The numinous is present in everyone. When it becomes luminous we can see it as reflection of the self, and a mirror of the self, which expands into larger discourses of truth, beatification and the inner light of existence. The antithesis is darkness, self flagellation, and the refusal to see beyond matter. The spirit exists in collateral worlds, in worlds inhabited by the numinous and the luminous, in worlds where the self is annihilated, and there is transcendence of the self with a larger cosmic universe. This cosmic spirit pulls us towards a dialogue between the self and the other.
What is this other?
It is reconciliation of forces, merging of dark cross currents, with a lit luminosity. William Golding the novelist calls it the Lit Centre. There is in everyone a centre, which has to be lit, ignited.
How do we do it?
How do we stretch the spirit and repress the flesh? What is the flesh, it is the seen, we gradually forge towards the unseen. It is this unseen which will be our final catharsis and metamorphosis, a beatific road lies ahead, truths, calling, helping, loving, forgiving. In such realms lie creativity, a phenomenal, super normal creativity where the self is destroyed and is merged with a larger consciousness. There resides God.
This is why I am not an atheist, because of this god calling factor, which pulls us away from external realities, to an internalized vision.