My natural modesty prevents the world and my readers from knowing how much effort I put in for the health bill. I just can’t keep the secret anymore. The public has no idea how tough it is to line up sixty ducks or is it schmucks in the senate to prevent filibuster by the Republicans. The Republicans who are bleeding hearts for insurance companies, healthcare insurers and providers, are still weeping and crying out “no fair” on national television. They are incensed at the sheer discrimination and unfairness of providing insurance to the have-nots and thus depriving them of the splendid opportunity of early death and entry into heaven. They have warned America that they would be compelled to carry out unmanned drone attacks on domestic uninsured to counter the hate crime of universal health insurance.
The persistent and recurrent obsession with control of the female reproductive tracts of the entire nation is the defining obsession and platform of the party. Their recurrent nightmare is that they are finally safely ensconced deep within the passages of the human female reproductive passage and are suddenly mortally threatened by a Democratic speculum trying to scoop them out during their dream. I managed to appease them by renaming them Trichomonas Republicans and banning funding and payment for douches. They were giggling and gurgling in mucus after that.
Dealing with Democrats was much worse. Some of them were supposedly blue dogs but on closer scrutiny turned out to be bitches. Once I knew their secret dilemma, I understood why they were worried about abortion. If you are not sure whether you are a bitch or pretending to be a cur, you would be forced to attest to your holy masculinity by scathing rejection of abortion. Once such Senators were locked into a half nelson and convinced that they did not need an abortion, they agreed to join Obaba and the gang of sixty thieves.
Sourmensch was worried that the healthcare bill was inclusive of Palestinians and did not have enough pork. That made the bill non-Kosher and he couldn’t vote for it. He was deliriously brushing away imaginary Palestinians, Iraqis and Iranians from his clothes and when Obaba, the leader of the thieves, assured him they that they would attack Iran by January, Sourmensch calmed down, stopped twitching and joined the cabal.
A fellow named Bogus vehemently objected to the pubic option. He felt that it was too intimate and intrusive. He warned that some of his friends had been nominated to serve as US attorneys. There was no implication that such behavior could be blamed on any option but options had led to bad behavior by many prominent people and he would just as soon not have any pubic option in the health bill as he was not a Repubican. When I reassured him that the pubic option was only between consenting adults and he was free to use it as long as it was not at toilets in the airports, he grinned widely like the big sky and took out his little black book.
Finally Obaba said he had gotten all his sixty evil leprechauns together and if he passed the health bill he should get the Nobel prize for Medicine next year. So now I am off to Sweden to lobby on his behalf. I tell you Hillary Clinton and I get no rest with Obaba constantly hogging the spotlight and yakking away. So we will have a bill that will become effective in three years, will not cover all the uninsured, raise the premiums, enrich the insurers and not reduce the galloping spiraling costs in the future. Another of the windbag’s hypocritical change without substance, while pandering to his financiers’ vested interests.