Dear Al Qaeda,
I know you must get this at least a thousand times every day but I'm like your biggest fan ever. I got posters of Osama (the Big Oz) all over my room and even that playgirl centrefold that he did, which is on my bathroom wall. I totally loved the 9/11 work you did about six years ago although I have to say I was a little surprised that you guys performed at the World Trade Center instead of the Wal-Mart Headquarters where you could've made so much more difference. I hear that you guys are planning to tour India soon. That's like so cool; in fact, that's the best piece of news I've heard since the one about Tyson planning to settle down in Bollywood.
I know India has the potential of becoming the favorite hunting ground of you guys because, like, you know, we have a whole lot of Hindus, Christians, and Muslims. And since God tells you guys to, like, you know, hate them all equally it'll be super easy to bomb one place and get a few from each religion. But I just want to say that I'm neither a Hindu, a Christian, nor a Muslim. I recently converted to Scientology and I know that you guys have nothing against us because we are like super dumb and all; so I hope you guys will, like, not kill me and my stuff.
I know you guys are not like other terrorist groups where they get pissed off if their fans make any constructive criticism. So, I'm just going to, like, go ahead and say something here. I know that you guys are planning to bomb the shit out of common Indian people because the Indian Government and the American Government have some kind of nuclear relationship or something even though you guys are like dragging in Kashmir as a cover. But I just want to tell you guys that more than half of India, possibly the ones which are going to be, like, victims of your attack, can't even spell America and can't even imagine ever seeing America in their lifetime. So, I, like, kind of think that it's uncool for you guys to target people like that who have got nothing to do with anything American.
You guys kind of made the same mistake with 9/11 too, although it was so cool nobody really noticed it; you see, common American people are the ones who are most critical of the American Government, and what you guys did was go ahead and blow up the people who were doing what you wanted to do in the first place. 'American people' doesn't mean Bush, you guys. I know that not a lot of people dig what you guys do and I think those people are like really retarded and stuff. I totally get the fact that God really speaks to you guys or at least to your leaders and tells them in person to pick up guns, make bombs, hijack planes, run them into tall buildings, and murder innocent people; and I think that's so not like what the American Government is doing in Iraq and other places. You both are like totally different and stuff.
And I think that what you guys really want to do is kill a lot of people and make the Governments take notice of how super cool you are but, seriously, guys are you telling me that you still haven't figured out that no Governments actually give a shit about their people? They don't give a damn about the people you kill; they just pretend to mourn for like a bunch of days and get over it. If you guys really want people to care you should, like, stop killing ordinary people and bomb celebrities and movie award shows. But somehow you guys think that just because you live in caves and we, commoners, live in houses we got it easy. Do you guys know how nerve-racking it is to get a job in today's world? Do you know how tough it is to get laid these days? Or at least get some good quality lesbian porn? Come on, guys, if you really want to punish people you should be just letting us live our lives.
I hope you guys aren't like mad at me and all for saying all these stuff. I was, like, you know, just talking to you guys, that's all. I'm still, like, you know, your biggest fan forever. That reminds me guys, recently I had this dream where God - I don't know if it was Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, or just L. Ron Hubbard - came to me and told me that I should, like, you know, seek out and kill all the infidels in my neighborhood kindergarten. So I was hoping you guys would, like, tell the Big Oz (the Bin Man) that, since, you know, Christmas is coming, and I've been like a good boy and all, he could, perhaps, like, bring me some weapons of mass destruction and stuff. I pinky swear that I won't try them at home.