Call me psychic but years ago when I used to spend close to twenty hours a day watching TV, and my parents called me a lazy-ass who wouldn’t exercise his brain, I told them that I was doing it for my own safety and well-being. I specifically remember giving them the portentous warning that all parents who forced their kids to stop watching TV and engage in brainy activities like spending time with computers or developing a skill or reading books would have their words come back in the future and bite them in their asses so bad that it would cause a severe infection around their anuses. Anyway, anal infections aside, I’m referring to the grave dangers that can be brought upon a child’s life when he fails to spend an abnormal amount of time in front of the TV. Since the ill effects of reading books, and developing a skill, have been researched extensively by experts from the rap industry I’ll be focusing on the third and the most perilous substitute for TV; the Internet.
And today, I shall dedicate my intelligence to provide a list of safety tips for children, which would guarantee 98% protection from the innumerous sexual predators who are perpetually roaming the world of Internet. Obviously, there’s a 2% chance that even after reading my safety tips children could still be dumb enough to go on and get the shit molested out of them.
Internet Safety Tips for Children
1) Ideally, chatting on the Internet, being a member of online communities, and trying to find friends online should be avoided, as those are the activities of losers with no lives who beat themselves off more than eighteen times a day. However, if you are a kid, who beats himself off more than eighteen times a day, and cannot help but chat online make sure you choose your screen name wisely. I would not recommend using your real name, your original birth date, or the extent of your cuteness. Using sophisticated research methods I have come up with a list of screen names that should keep you safe from online child molesters
a) SmellyLady_just turned76 b) Herpes_Harry_54 c) KilledHusband_currentlyavailable d) Gonorrhea_George_1947 e) Gayatri_Chakravorty_Spivak f) Telemarketer4U_4ever g) Chris_Hansen h) Al_Gore_Enthusiast61 i) Syphilis_Simon j) Freelance_Castrator
II)While chatting online to strangers, friends, or relatives, remember never to divulge any of your personal details. If at all you feel compelled to answer the persuasive questions of the chatter at the other end, use my standard info-key to respond.
1) Name: Cho Seung Hui 2) Ethnicity: Retarded 3) Looks: Retarded 4) Interests: Murder, torture, and speaking about globalization. 5) Age: Retarded 6) Father’s Occupation: Catholic Priest 7) Mother’s Occupation: NASA Astronaut 8 ) Siblings: Killed them 9) Pets: Killed them 10) Ambitions: Killed them 11) Sexual Orientation: TV Evangelist
III) If anybody or any site asks for your photograph do not show them any photo of yourself or your family. Instead upload the photo that I’ve digitally mastered below.
IV) If the person you are chatting to tries to get you to meet him, whether it’s for going to Disneyland, to give you a Playstation 3, or to make u blow his bonogram, do not ever agree to it. If at all he manages to persuade you to meet him convince him to meet you at the nearest Economics Association Meet. Chances are that he won’t take the risk of getting killed by the boring speeches made at such venues. If he’s still persistent, make sure that you’re strapped before going to meet him and that you blow his head open when you meet him. At least, he’ll think you didn’t lie about your name.
V) Online chatters are pathological liars. They’ll lie about their names, ages, and professions just like I have advised you to do. However, there’s a test you can do to see if they are genuine. If you are ten and the other person says he’s ten as well you ask him if he thinks Harry Potter is gay. If he says no, then you can be assured that he’s a sex offender. And if he says yes, it is certified that he wants to put his wiener inside your ass and move it around.
VI) Tell your parents about everything that you do and talk about online. Except porn. That’s personal.
So, all you kids and parents out there, I hope you’ll utilize my pointers to their fullcapacity and create a safer, more pleasant atmosphere around you. I would stay and lecture you further on Internet safety but I have to go rendezvous with this cute girl that I met online a month ago. She’s really sweet. I feel she could be the one. Although, I wonder why she wants me to meet her at the abandoned warehouse near the locked up sawmill. Oh, well.