Parenting
Attention Seeking Behavior
by Michael Grose 
November 27, 2005

Recently a mother came into my office with her healthy ten-year old daughter crawling on all fours. The girl hadn’t been into the office before so she wasn’t coming into an environment that she was familiar with or amongst company she knew. Her mother was exasperated and whined at her to get up and act her age but she ignored her mother and continued to crawl as if she were a baby.

I stayed out of it. However when the girl crawled under one of the desks and was about to become entangled in computer wiring I thought it was time to intervene. Putting on my best authoritarian voice and I asked her to stand up and move away from the desk. Polite but firm was the approach.

She was on her feet in no time. She pushed the limits with her mum but she wasn’t sure about this strange male so she wasn’t taking any chances. She got the message that this was my territory and she needed to act according to my rules.

It always easier to manage kids behaviorally when they are not your own!

So how to help this mother who was clearly exasperated by her daughter’s behavior?

First, let’s figure what the behavior is about. The behavior was attention-seeking and boy did it work! Her mum noticed her! My office manager noticed her! Everyone present focused their attention on her like laser-beams except me who just kept on working.  But this smart little girl even found a way to get me to take notice by crawling amongst the computers! Some things you just can’t ignore.

The behavior was also about power as she let her mother know that there was little she could do to stop her. ‘I’ll crawl if I want, where I want’ was the message she gave her mother by her refusal to stop.

So how to react to attention-seeking, you-can’t-stop-me behaviors? Quite simply, change your reaction. Rather than give loads of B-grade attention to behaviors that don’t warrant it minimize the attention that it gets.

Rather than whine at her daughter to get up this mother could have done a quick double-take and retreated to her car to get a forgotten purse or bag. My bet was that in her absence her daughter would have followed her or waited on two legs for her to return. Alternatively, as soon as her daughter refused to get up she could have politely excused herself and said she would be back later leaving her daughter to deal with the consequences of her behavior.

Maybe her mother could have said nothing about her behavior and left it up to the office owner to deal with. This is a difficult option, as most of us believe our children’s behavior reflects on us so we tend to intervene so that we look like responsible parents. No approach is guaranteed to work but when kids continue to get lots of attention for poor behavior and they don’t get much attention for good behavior then they will generally settle for the negative stuff every time.

Misbehavior becomes cyclical. I misbehave therefore I get attention. I want attention therefore I misbehave. The cycle needs to be broken.

Second, this mother probably needs to ensure she gives her daughter sufficient A-grade attention. That is, interacting with her when she is behaves well and also providing plenty of encouragement. Children who generally resort to attention-seeking behaviors are generally discouraged so they need parents who show confidence in their ability and focus their comments on effort, improvement and contribution.

This mother could try the reward option. That is, give her a reward if she behaves well in public however I have a feeling if this happens then she had better be prepared to give lots of rewards as this can quickly become the norm. “No reward, no cooperation" is the response from some hard-nuts I have met.

As always when parents meet with children’s mystifying behavior in public step back and look at the purpose of misbehavior – it will be about attention, power or retaliation every time. Be prepared to change the way you usually behave so that your child doesn’t get the same old reaction. A tough option but a viable one as long as a child’s safety is not jeopardized.

Vitamin for parents –  encouraging risk-taking behavior

Taking risks is an important part of life. It also takes courage to take risks. There are three types of risks that children and young people take – dangerous risks, socially challenging risks and growth risks. Dangerous risks include drug taking, riding a bike without a helmet and taking on the neighbor's pit bull terrier to get a wayward football.

Socially challenging risks include those behaviors that can alienate you with different groups. For instance, teacher-baiting can make you a hero with your peers but put a student on the outer with adults.

Growth risks are those behaviors that are not personally dangerous or alienating but put your ego or esteem on the line. You risk failure and maybe even rejection and derision but usually this comes from groups who don’t take risks themselves.

Parents obviously need to steer children away from dangerous risks and socially-challenging risks but not be afraid of children taking growth risks so that they can stretch themselves into new areas.

Every day children meet new situation that require them to take a risk. Many of these are ‘growth risks’ so it is important that parents be aware of these opportunities for growth and encourage children to step out of their comfort zones.   

By arrangement with Parenting Ideas     

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The Week of November 27, 2005 
India's Foreign Policies in South Asia Need Review by Dr. Subhash Kapila
Can Janata Rise Like Phoenix? by Rajinder Puri 
State of Hijack by J. Ajithkumar 
Narada and the Illusion of Maya by Aparna Chatterjee
Kabira Teri Jhompri Gal Katiyan Ke Paas   
Why Bad Things Happen to Good People by Lama Chuck Stanford 
A Case for Islam by Dr. R.K. Lahiri, Ph.D  
Attention Seeking Behavior by Michael Grose 
Marriage is NOT about Religion by Meera Chowdhry 
Peeping Toms by Kusum Choppra  
Mystified Identity in the Mystified River of Life by Jayati Chowdhury
Inducting Rasayana Therapy in Our Daily Routine by Dr. Krishna R.S.
Magical Spots of the World by Dilip D'Souza
Accessing Freedom by Robert L. Sungte 
Asia Quake, One Month On by Shehar Bano Khan
Arab Women in Image Trap by Ruby Bird 
Gender Lens on Gypsies by Elayne Clift 
School of Wisdom by Neeta Lal 
Senior Story by Mohan Dadlani