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Parenting
Sharing and Young Children
by Garima Gupta
 I
met an otherwise intelligent lady yesterday, who was worried sick over
her 26 month old son’s ‘selfish’ behavior. She told me that her
son, Arjun, is not ready to share any of his toys with his friends. She
wondered if Arjun would grow up into a selfish, self-centered person. I
wondered if this mother really remembers her sons age! 26 months old,
that’s all. This toddler wasn’t even aware of toys 20 months back,
wasn’t aware of the concept of ownership 10 months back, and today he is
expected to share!! How unfair indeed.
Many parents
worry about their kids not sharing toys etc. with their friends. How
much of this worry is justified, and that too, when? Can we teach our
children to become sharing people? How?
It is
important to recognize that sharing is not a natural process. Not just
kids, but even adults find it difficult to share stuff close to their
heart. Sharing is an acquired habit, acquired in order to achieve either
parents’ approval or playmates company or their toys and so on. In
essence, some sort of reward expectation is essentially inherent in
sharing. Sharing is very difficult for kids less than 3 years of age,
and really should not be expected of them. When they guard their stuff,
it’s quite natural, and ought to be treated as another developmental
milestone.
However,
things do get different with older children. They need to be taught the
concept of sharing, AND the happiness that it brings. Sometimes it is
difficult for children to understand what exactly we mean by sharing. 4
year old Neha might think, “Will Ratnesh return my truck after playing?
Afterall, when I shared a cookie, he ate it, and it’s not going to come
back!” When we speak of sharing in a playground or school environment,
then the meaning changes to ‘taking turns’ as while the playground swing
belongs to no one child, the truck does belong to Neha.
The difficulties associated with sharing are aplenty. A child might not
like sharing his own toys with friends , but is okay at taking turns on
the slide. Another child may be a bully, not realizing other’s ownership
and taking toys by force. Another extreme might be a child so afraid by
such a bully, that he is not able to resist the bully, but is upset by
the loss of his toy. One more typical case is the fight between
siblings, which generally start with a newly mobile baby. Luckily, help
is at hand for all these cases. Here are some easy, practical
suggestions, that would help your child and you cope up with the trouble
of sharing for ever :
-
Special toys are
different. They
have a special place which the prying little sister can’t reach, or
expected guests can’t find. Having faith that his favorite toys are
safe will make a child more generous towards the rest of the toys.
-
Lay down rules.
Be short and specific. Don’t leave room for exceptions as they only
confuse the kid. For example, tell your bully boy that he CAN NOT
take someone else’s toy without their permission. Not even when the
owner kid is not playing with them. Permission is a must, always.
-
No is a no-no.
Do not allow a simple no to a sharing request. If a child asks for a
toy, your kid can not simply say no. He doesn’t have to say yes
either. But any negative response must be explained further. Like, “
I’m playing with blocks right now. I’ll give them after 10 mins.” Or
“Let me finish my coloring now. You play with the flute till then.”.
In addition to avoiding hurt feelings, you’ll also have a good
conversationalist in no time.
-
If you
can, use a timer for taking turns.
A loud one, if possible. You’ll make turn taking fun!
-
Be his role model.
Share your special pen with him sometimes (and let him know that you
are sharing). You can also play “Sharing games” if your child is
extra-stubborn. Just simple give-and-take games to demonstrate that
things do return even if someone else takes them for some time.
-
Teach your kid
negotiation skills.
If she really wants her friend’s Barbie, maybe she should offer an
attractive substitute. If she hates parting with her viewmaster,
maybe offering her binoculars would help, and so on. Negotiation
skills might turn out to be her most important lesson in life.
-
Listen as long as you
can to an angry child.
It will give you valuable insight on how his mind works, and what
are the tensions he is carrying within himself. A child, while
wailing over a toy, might give you important clues to his
personality. For example, he might say, “Why should Manas take my
beyblade? He does not shares his cycle with me ever!!” Isn’t that
fair? It tells you that your kid is not against sharing, but is
against Manas. So the root problem is different, and so must be the
treatment.
-
Consider play his work.
Respect his play. If you take his toy train to placate his wailing
sister, when the station was just about to come, then you are being
unfair. Kids get totally engrossed in their play, and it remains a
‘play’ no more. Such thoughtless interventions can really, and
rightly, upset a tender mind.
-
Have plenty when you can.
Miniature vehicles, crayons, play-dough, chalks are examples of
things you can never have enough of. A few extra bucks spent on them
would go a long way to give you some peace from the sharing war!
All these
techniques work well. But the most important thing to remember is, do
not force sharing. Forcing ruins the concept that sharing can ultimately
lead to a joyful relationship with other people. May be she’s not in a
mood today. Tomorrow is, after all, another day.
April 9, 2006
Top
| Parenting
The Week of April 9, 2006
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Deal Hurdles : It's The Politics, Stupid! by Rajinder Puri
Bangladesh's Foreign Policy Approaches to India
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US Market Horizon and Gathering Storm Clouds by
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Indian Federalism in Troubled Waters by
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Caste Wars II by Usha Kakkar
Democracy Dying by J. Ajithkumar
The Zero That Was India by Kamesh
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Of Spices and Magical Realism by Rajgopal
Nidamboor
Post Colonial India and its Architecture -
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Ancient Mangroves in the Womb of the Present
by V.K. Joshi
Celebrating Culture by Neha Girotra
Sharing and Young Children by Garima Gupta
The Poetry in the Moors by Dr. Amitabh
Mitra
Ain't No Cure For Love by Vinay Chandran
The 'Feminization' of Menswear by MH Ahsan
Liberating the Nuns by Mehru Jaffer
Smart Streets, Shattered Lives by Nitin Jugran
Bahuguna
Keeping India's Hands Clean by Kaushiki Rao
Power Trip : Bollywood Masala by MH Ahsan
New Generation Sisterhood by Neena Bhandari
Apa's Survival Mantra : A Profile of Angela Gomes
Router : An Introduction by Ruchi
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Lakhnawi Itar by Rajsaran Varma
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