As I woke up this morning, the same question occupied my mind. Where was
life taking me? I got no answer, yet again. The bright new morning
continued to smile at me, its salutation warming me in its splendor. I
looked perplexed and wondered if I would ever be able to quench my
thirst for a reply. So many years have passed and yet no response. I
have not stopped asking and life has not replied either. We are both
obstinate!
My family and friends always called me a hopeless dreamer. My
impressionable age mystified my thought process. I built a make-belief
world around myself presuming that life had only goodies stored in its
lap for me; I just had to have the panache of finding it. Every day a
new beginning, deeply rooted in the deeds of yesterday, promising a
future based on my perspective, positive or negative. The mêlée of the
heart and the mind continued with each new day creating a new task for
me. Eyes kept dreaming the fantasy of the heart, often ignoring the
warnings of the head. The dreams turned into desire and desires into
want and want into an obsession. From trying to build a successful
career to having a perfect man, I wanted it all. My dreams challenged me
everyday and I chased them with equal fervor and zest. Life moved from
one stage to another. Eyes lost their clarity but the vision of my dream
was still vivid. Age caught up with my pace and yet I could find enough
strength to pursue my dream. I was not willing to give up, but life is a
hard master to please. My marathon often ended in failure. A depressed
state of mind followed for I was never taught how to accept defeat as
gracefully as success. I lost my self confidence, believing in my
worthlessness. Was this the dream I had begun with? Was this the way I
had hoped my life to be? Was this my destiny (kismet) or my deeds
(karma)? It is no denying the fact that my present, entrenched in my
past, shapes my future; but is my present also the perfect scenario the
way I had perceived it to be, or is this what the circumstances around
me have made me compromise it to be? It’s a jargon of questions I was
faced with daily. The aura around me charged with pessimism slowly
engulfed me in its darkness. The smile on my face transforming into
wrinkles. Devoid of any emotions, I knew I had to somehow stop this slow
demise of myself. I had to get out of this graveyard; for it had the
power to kill all that was left inside me. I was now a perfect case for
psychologists or even the spiritual gurus!
Someone once told me if you wish to make Gods laugh, tell Him your
future plans. I could never understand the deep philosophical meaning of
the simple sentence framing the entire essence of life. Today I am still
trying to grasp it word by word. It has not been an easy road to
enlightenment. Each day has been like a mystery unfolding, a puzzle
I had to figure out. Those I could not solve were best left to the one
who created them. Life gives us multiple options to each situation. Our
choice frames the “subjective” solutions, which life kept concealed,
never illuminating its contents. So while we chose the means, what we
have no control over is the end. That was one major decision that life
kept for itself. At every step, it taught us a lesson later tested at a
given opportunity. Only those who learnt the previous lessons well
survived the hardships of life, receiving happiness and contentment as a
reward. The rest were left behind trying harder or opting out. There was
no place for the weak-hearted.
Today, what little I have learnt is to accept what I have and the way I
live it, for it’s the way I have chosen to. After all it was my choice
(even if I was forced to make it)! Paradoxically, I chose to be “forced”
into making a decision that I fail to recognize as my own. I have also
learnt to be grateful of what I still have and not mourn over what I
lost. I could have lost more. Most important lesson I learnt was to
never take life for granted and never to curse it. People in trying
times often say “Oh! What could be worse than this?” Well try not to
challenge life for it could worsen. You never know for sure! Everything
in life has to have a holistic approach. Every deed is a precursor to
the next. If things are terrible today, they will improve tomorrow. The
night is the darkest just before dawn. We just assume that bad days
outlast the good ones. It’s because our memory of the good times is
diminutive.
The perfect God made none of His creations perfect. Life itself carries
a big ‘IF’ in it. To err is natural and to accept is human. To be
flawless is being divine. So why question what we don’t understand.
Let’s make the best of what we have. It is probably better than what
others have. To understand just one life, you have to swallow the world.
Life might not answer all our queries and doubts, but it shows us the
path in its own way, if only we care to understand. It moves at its own
constant pace, speaking to us silently. Take a moment to listen and
understand the silence of life. It is indeed deafening!!
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