Ramblings    
Musings of a Confused Mind

It's been two years since I have been thinking about you. Two years, probably more than that. I have observed that thinking about you has become an obsession with me.

All these years my conscious and subconscious mind has been working overtime fantasizing about you. I have been ridiculed and admonished by my friends for being so foolish and wasting my time and energy like this, but I still continue to remain torn between this dream and the reality that you are. At times I wonder where would be the culmination point of these intriguing thoughts that I have about you.

I don't know why I like you. There's no love bug for sure. But what there is I am unsure of. Earlier I thought that probably I just had a huge crush on you. I tried to justify the idea of having a crush on someone. But my naive heart was pretty unaccustomed to the feelings and emotions that gradually started overcoming me. The intricacies of those emotions at times gave me a high that would probably remain unsurpassed. And I don't know when those alien feelings began to develop a stronghold in my heart. Thoughts about you developed in me feelings indescribable.

On streets my eyes scout the crowd hoping to catch a glimpse of your familiar face in the multitude of strangers, hoping to trace you down in some obscure corner. Your name reverberates in my mind incessantly, like an all pervading entity, invading my solitude. And this profound feeling of losing my senses, my self to someone who is not even aware of my existence is frustrating. This feeling of frustration has now begun to permeate the nerves and fibres of my very being. The incessant echo of your name echoing through the unending alleys of my mind has left me torn between actual life and delusion. A mysterious loneliness has started permeating into my system, trying to tear me apart from the trials and tribulations of the material world. Am I running after a mirage?

As the time passes, I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that you will never be mine, no matter what I do, what I achieve. You live in a world which is so very different from mine. The unwilling subconscious acceptance of this hard fact has made me the nervous wreck that I am today. No, I am not blaming you, but my fate. But should I blame my fate for my stupidities, my follies, lack of concentration and low self esteem? Why is it that even the completion of mundane tasks with concentration has become a challenge for me? But then how can I concentrate on any job at hand when all the time it’s you I am thinking about. My self esteem dives when realization strikes that the person I am fantasizing about is, for me larger than life. I know that the path I am trekking on is going to lead me nowhere. Probably the very fact that you are unattainable goads me to think about you, about ways and means to get in touch with you.

Someday when I get enough self esteem, I will muster up courage to walk up to you and look straight into your eyes. Maybe that day I will tell you about the feelings I have had for you all these years, maybe someday. I try to find solace in the fact that I have just started off in my career. I have miles to go.

Maybe someday the endless wanderings of my helpless mind will turn into a pleasant and enriching walk down a smooth road of acquaintanceship. Then you will know me and I will try to learn more about you. That would be the day when my thoughts – crazy, stupid, weird and entangled in a wave of earthy materialism would break free of all the shackles. The transformation from a complacently confused mind to a relaxed soul would then be complete. That day my heart will beckon you to share its solitude, that day you will be a part of it. The helplessness of my soul will ease away and the distinction between delusion, mirage and reality would be clear. I hope you will be there to share the ecstasy of my rebirth for that day, I will be alive again.  

– Ragini Puri
September 26, 2004

Ragini Puri is a journalist from Mumbai, India.

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