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Ramblings
Sons as Lovers
by Julia Dutta
 "
I want you to be the mother of my children" Yogi said very meaningfully.
" Where did you get that clichéd line from? It’s disgusting!" I
retorted.
Yogi laughed " So you won’t fall for that line?"
" Of course I won’t but if you use such horrendous language again, I
will most certainly fall out with you". I said with effect.
" What about living together?"
"Why aren’t we doing just that – you in my house twelve days, I, in
yours the next seven and again, you in mine and then again I in
yours…it’s unending!"
" Getting tired?" he asked
" Awfully! Can’t we just move into a space next to each other? Like you
in your flat and I in mine, adjoining"?
" What a brilliant idea! Let’s go for it!"
It gave us space. We didn’t have to meet everyday and we didn’t have to
mate ever so often. It was now a very comfortable togetherness. I need a
lot of time and space to myself. Often it is so much that the other
might begin to think, I have dropped out. Unless of course, they value
their own aloneness.
Thankfully, Yogi is that kind of a man. Sometimes he prefers to work 48
hours at a stretch and then fade out for the next 36 hours. Now that we
live next to each other, we are in our own spaces and meet occasionally.
Then, it is really good. Separating has helped our relationship grow
stronger because when we are not together, we are able to fill our cups
with our own energies. It’s so necessary to brim over before we can give
of ourselves. Now, when we meet, its real quality. We are there just for
each other. Sharing has finally become such a profound experience.
No, Yogi is not one of those strong-bodied men, who tend to give you
that feeling of power and strength you think you can depend on. At least
that is the perception. So you surrender to him, as his muscles remind
you of the men you read about in Mills & Boons. No, Yogi is slight
bodied and tender. I love it when he nestles up to me, I can just hold
him in my arms and his body moves and fits around my every emotion when
I hold him close to me. No resistance at all. His body trusts me
completely. It is such a lovely feeling, I can’t put it in words. We
don’t even need to look at each other when we talk at these times –
words are sounds, even noise, the real communication is happening at a
very different level.
Yogi is so open, as most men in my life have been. When he and I met
first at a common friend’s place, there was a click in the air. I swear!
When we decided to see each other I thought that the inevitable was only
around the corner and I couldn’t ever, ever open myself up to any lover
without being honest about my choices. So one day, while we were walking
in the rain, I said to him, " Yogi, I want you to know, I love women as
well and if I come across one, even when we are together, I am not going
to stop my heart if she is willing and ready. So think about it. You are
free to make your choice especially since we haven’t risked our emotions
and our bodies at deeper levels"
I was a bit shaky about his response. I loved him so. What if he decides
not to? But! I would never be with a man or a woman without opening up
first. I can’t live lies at such close quarters and I really don’t need
to. I can risk everything to be my truth.
Yogi proved very accommodating and he was really happy I had been so
honest. Our relation was pitched on really good grounds of mutual
respect from then on and we were drawn even closer. So now when he asked
me about this office romance, I was having, I was not afraid to tell.
Yes, there is a woman I am terribly attracted to in my office. She knows
it. I have told her in so many words. We work sometimes sixteen hours
together and there is no let up. You go home to sleep and bark at
everyone around or if you are alone and all by yourself, you are
exhausted when you arrive home. You simply open the refrigerator and
just grab some milk and get under covers. Where is the time to socialize
or meet friends or even meet Yogi? Things like this are bound to happen!
" So what about that office romance you are having?" he asked me two
nights ago.
" Having?! It’s just chugging along as slow as slow can be. Nothing has
happened really!"
" What! I don’t believe it." He said looking up at me through a really
close hug " It’s been months! Nothing? Absolutely nothing?!"
" Cross my heart, nothing!" I said dryly
" So, is it off then?"
" Not really!"
" What is she saying?"
" The usual. Julia I really like your company. You make me laugh. But I
am not like "that". I am heterosexual and all that kind of stuff"
" Fair enough! So what are you going to do? There is all this passion
and stuff to cope with. Won’t it be better to leave the job?"
" How weird can you get! Can a larger picture be overcast by relatively
small one? The lady in question might be on my mind but my job is larger
than she can ever be."
" But sexual desires are like wild horses! They can drag you to places
you never believed you could have gone."
" I know, Yogi but I haven’t been meditating for the last sixteen years
all for nothing!"
" So are you saying, you are not going to ………?"
" Yup! I am saying I am not going to." I gathered Yogi up like a soft
toy and gave him a tight squeeze. " We are going to be best friends. I
am going to harness that wild horse and make him serve my interests. I
might burn with passion and writhe for her in bed, but I am finally
going to use all this energy that is coming up in me to fuel my
creativity and increase our bonding as friends."
Yogi smiled and ruffled the top of my head. " You can also make love to
me when the going gets tough!" he said with a naughty smile. " I am all
yours"
" Tried. Tested. Failed! Never go out with a woman when you want a man,
and never go out with a man if you are thinking of a woman. It just does
not work for you. Besides, why should I mix up things? You are special
in your own way and she is in her own way."
" Wonder why the women are so afraid of opening themselves up to other
experiences?" Yogi said thoughtfully.
" Because they say they can’t feel that way with a woman." I replied
" Is it social conditioning?" he was curious
" A woman can conclude that if she is aware that she feels a block
somewhere. But if she does not, then she is not even ready to look into
it I suppose. I don’t really know Yogi, since it is not my experience".
The night was getting older. This was not meant to be a night for
discussing women. Change the frame. Get to the here and now. So what the
hell, Yogi is so smooth to touch, so gentle, I can reach unknown depths
the moment I become aware of his skin on mine.
Unfinished karma, that woman on my mind. There’s no other way to explain
why you may go to a certain place in complete innocence and return home
with a woman on your mental screen.
At least let me not lose this moment with Yogi. I don’t want another
unfinished karma because I was thinking of someone else.
The here-now is all I care for now.
August 20,
2006
Image under license with
Gettyimages.com
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Ramblings
The Week of August 20, 2006
The Telgi Saga : Why Exposure Always Ends in
Closure by Rajinder Puri
Coming Chaos in Afghanistan by Gaurang Bhatt, MD
India's Independence Day 2006: Striking
Observations by Dr. Subhash Kapila
Manmohan's Win-Win Argument by Col. Rahul K.
Bhonsle
Human Power: A Divine Gift by TA Ramesh
The Real Problem with Globalization by
Aruni Mukherjee
A Parable on Proactivity by PGR Nair
Hair Loss Prevention through Ayurveda by Dr.
Savitha Suri
When the Earth Trembles! by VK Joshi
Vanishing Tropical Forests by Kusum Choppra
Health Hazards by Dr. Prasenjit Maiti
Smart Wi-Fi by Ruchi Gupta
Sons as Lovers by Julia Dutta
Blame it on Blue by Prakash Pathre
The Witty Side by Melvin Durai
Are we an Inconsiderate People? by CR Gopalakrishna
An Evening in Haridwar by Ragini Puri
Velvety Velavadar: Weekend Rendezvous in the
Black Buck National Park,
Bhavnagar by Dr. Sutapa Chaudhuri
Story of the Two Khans Fiction by CR
Gopalakrishna
Indo-Pak Conflict: 'Ripe' Enough to Resolve? a
Book Review by Manjari Sewak
Indian Novel in English: A Sociolinguistic
Study a Book Review by Dr T.S. Chandra Mouli
Superwomen Need to Eat Well by Priya Sahai
Shirali
Maximum City, Minimal Shelter by Usha
Ramanathan
Four Mothers Against War by Anat Cohen
The Power to Choose by Stephanie Hiller
Marriages are Made in Goa by Lionel Messias
The Gambler Girls by Yvonne Barlow
Pub Management: Gay Versus Lesbian by Rajesh
Talwar
Dilli Hat Glitters with their Jewellery by Debi
Prasad Sarangi
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