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Stories
You have to Get a Life
by Dr.
Manasi Dutt
My life as I had known it
for fifty-eight years came to an abrupt end when I had a stroke. Stroke
is a stealthy disease, it comes on padded steps like a professional
thief, without letting anybody know about its arrival and then it steals
body parts. In my case it stole half of my body. My body was broken in
half, right down the midline. Starting at the midpoint at the top of my
forehead, then the break line went south, touched the tip of my nose,
down the middle of my chin, then down the midline of my chest, between
my breasts, down the midline of my abdomen, on the way grazing my belly
button, then down to the midpoint of my crotch. The left side of my
body, my left leg, my left arm and the left side of my torso were left
limp and still from paralysis.
From a healthy active
human being I turned into a disabled inactive person. Such a
dramatic change happened as fast as the fall of a raindrop. The
tectonic plates inside my body shifted, the resulting earthquake
broke my body in half. The shock and grief of loss seemed to be
endless and unbearable. There was nothing but the dark clouds of
depression and despair all around me, I drowned into those clouds,
they wrapped me snugly. I felt desolate.
After being discharged from the hospital, on returning home I
crawled under the comforter. There I discovered my very own man-
made cave and I turned into a cave-man, or, to be exact, a
cave-woman. I loved the darkness underneath the comforter where I
didn’t have to face the world. Neither did I have to face my
disappointments, the rejections of life and the failures of my
broken body. I rested comfortably in my cave, dark, silent, warm and
lonely. But my loved ones, who spent a lot of time with me, had a
different goal. At the beginning, their plan was well hidden,
completely unknown to me. I was totally in the dark about what they
were up to, but, the truth my family tried to conceal was so
gigantic that there was no closet in the house big enough to hold
it. Soon enough I became aware of the truth that my loved ones had
tried to hide, but had failed dismally. One morning my husband
Pallab told me ‘I’m in a hurry, can you, please, make your own
breakfast?’ ‘Of course I can’ I answered in a crisp tone, making
toast and coffee how hard can that be? That evening our daughter
Mala told me ‘mom, I have opened up two cans of chickpeas and
chopped up two onions can you please cook some Indian-style
chickpeas for me?’ I was always delighted when Mala wanted to eat
something home-cooked. ‘Of course I shall cook that for you’ I
answered enthusiastically. From the living room our son Raj chirped
loudly ‘coming Friday there is a Dance show in Toronto I shall be
doing the lighting and stage management are you interested in
going?’ I chirped back ‘how can I not go when you’re doing the
lighting and stage management’?
Inside my cave with my eyes tightly squeezed shut, but my mind wide
awake and my brain cells highly active, I understood what my loved
ones were up to, they gave me different messages in different
voices, in different words, but their goals were the same. They told
me loud and clear, that life was waiting for me in taking care of
myself, in taking care of my loved ones and in joining the world at
large, in attending shows in Toronto. They were all determined to
pull me out from my comforter-cave and put me right in the middle
where the hustle and bustle of life-bazaar was underway. They had
made up their minds that I had to play my role in the drama of life
going on in the world outside my cave. That I had to take charge of
my life, take charge of my loved ones as much as I could and on the
top of that, I had to step out in the world at large to mingle with
the rest of the humanity and play my role in the drama of life as
God had allotted for me. My family members gave me the message loud
and clear, that I had no choice but to walk down the path of my life
that God had created for me. If I chose not to walk that path, then,
not only my own life would come to an end, but also the life-path
God had created for me would go to waste. God creates each human
being uniquely, each human has a unique finger-print, unique
foot-print, even unique eye print; our life paths are also equally
unique each person’s look is unique. That is how much God loves each
human being. If I lingered in my self-made cave, then all of God’s
unique love for me would go to waste. For my life, I could not let
that happen. Under the comforter I squirmed and I gave my body a
good shake. I let my body know in no uncertain terms what lies in
store for it. Namely, walking down a beautifully created life-path,
created uniquely for me. I let my body and soul plunge headlong in
deep meditation to gather all the energy I would need for such a
long journey. My family members wished me good luck.
I responded energetically to the calls of my loved ones. Because I
knew they had nothing but my welfare in their hearts. I went to the
show in Toronto, I made my own breakfast, and in the evening I
cooked the chickpeas for Mala. My loved ones started calling me more
often and I had to crawl out of my cave more frequently. At the
beginning that getting out of the cave was nothing but a pain in the
neck. My stiff and painful left knee complained loudly, the creaking
was ear-shattering, but with practice it became easier, my knee
loosened. Down the road I didn't find the cave that enticing either.
It was too dark, in that deep darkness I could barely see my own
hands, the way it is during a snow storm. As if I faced a snow storm
in the cave. Or, in the darkness, was it a storm of coal dust? Just
the thought gave me the creeps. In the darkness it was too lonely,
it was too hot. It was too silent. I started crawling out more and
more often.
Then something strange happened. Waves of feelings started flowing
in my cave. Just the way breeze from Lake Erie blows into my
cottage, in the same way waves from the ocean that was in front of
the cave started to lap in. A wave of courage came and whispered in
my ears, ‘go out and walk the path of your life. Don’t let it go to
waste’. People don’t walk only with legs and feet, we do our walking
with our determination and our strength of mind as well. These words
made perfect sense to me. Certainly, I can go down the path of my
life with my strength of mind and my determination. My mother had
always told me, instead of making you tall and beautiful, like a
model, the Almighty has blessed you with an abundance of strength of
mind and determination. As I thought of it, my genetically strong
mind raised its head and hissed like a King Cobra.
At the same moment, my brilliant brain started talking to me. You
know, the usual smart alec monologue the brain does. A part of my
brain had been destroyed by the bleeding of stroke but the rest of
my brain was still there and that intact part, that was functioning
perfectly, told me in a loud tone ‘I shall grant you everything you
need to carry on with your life. I can grant you any amount of
desires and dreams you need, aspirations and enthusiasm, drive and
guts, courage and gumption. You will not lack anything emotionally
or spiritually to carry on with your life. As my brain uttered these
words my chest puffed up with pride and courage. I realized how
highly equipped I was to walk down the path of life, created
uniquely for me. In utter excitement my heart missed a beat. My
breathing quickened, my pulse heightened. In a few moments as my
thinking my heart rate and my pulse rate calmed down, I reached the
realization that I had to fulfill God’s dream. I decided to do just
that, to walk the path of life, my very own life path and nobody
else's, the path of the unique me.
A few days later I did something extraordinarily courageous. I
marched to the front door and opened the door. As I poked my head
out and a blast of cool autumn air brushed past my face. I was not
at all frightened. I welcomed the cool tingling on my face, then I
took notice of a neighbor walking his dog. My courageous right hand
lifted up and I waved at him ‘how’s Elizabeth doing?’ I asked him in
a loud tone. Elizabeth was his wife and had been a patient of mine
for many years. A mammoth hydrangea bloom poked out its head on the
sidewalk and caught my sight. The bloom was a mixture of pink and
blue obviously the flower couldn't make up its mind between the two
magnificent colors so it decided to have both the colors on its
head. Should I go out and pluck the flower, I asked myself or should
I run back to my cave? Where it was dark and warm and familiar, and
where no cool autumn wind blew. Fear chained my feet to the door but
another part of me cried out loud, be courageous go out and pluck
the flower put it in a vase, you won't see a flower like this in
another whole year, till the arrival of next spring. That thought
made my feet feel itchy, gradually the shackles of fear dissolved
away my hand stretched out all by itself and plucked the flower, my
feet returned to the front door but they refused to hurry back to
the cave, I stood at the front door.
On his way back my neighbor walking the dog asked me how are you
doing?’ With a smile I answered ‘fine’. At that moment I came face
to face with the realization, while I crawled in the cave discarding
the outside world, the outside world had not discarded me the
outside world remembered me, had kept itself informed about me. That
was why the neighbor had asked me how I was doing. I shouted back
‘how are you doing?’ After waiting a few moments I shouted out
again, ‘how is your dog doing?’ Now all of a sudden I wanted to know
everything about him, the outside world beckoned me. At that moment
I realized that I had arrived back in life, right in the midst of
life, where the heart of life throbbed, where life-events bubbled.
Now nobody had to call me anymore, from now on I would call them.
For me this was the hardest step following my stroke. It was so easy
to become a cave-woman and dwell inside the cave, it really took a
whole lot of courage and gumption to ‘step outside the box’ to get
back to life, to discard the comfort zone. The hydrangea bloom was
already in the vase, I placed the vase on my bedside table, so that
with a sidelong glance I could see it from my cave. I knew what the
result would be. Without lifting a finger, the hydrangea bunch would
pull me out of my cave and drag me to the front door.
Only after that did Mala and Raj cease to shout in unison, ‘mom, get
out of bed and get a life’. I emerged from my cave and bowed to my
children, my heart laden with gratitude. ‘Thanks to you guys, I have
arrived in life’. They asked in unison, ‘You mean, we don’t have to
remind you anymore to get a life?’ ‘No, you don’t.’ My reply was
crisp. I stood in the midst of the bazaar of life and enjoyed every
moment of it. Now I had reached my destination. Now I was all ready
to haggle as every buyer does in life–bazaar. My family knew that I
had always been a good haggler. I could bring down the price of a
basket of fruits to half of its asking price. Now I was back to my
old game with renewed energy. The shopkeeper looked at me with
frowned brows and said, ‘Today I wouldn’t get mad at you for
haggling, because I know you had been sick for a long time’. I
flashed a big smile of satisfaction at him. Oh, how great it is to
be back in the midst of life-bazaar. With a sly smile and a wink the
shop-keeper handed me the basket of fruits. Today I decided not to
reap the benefit of my haggling. I handed the full price to the
shop-keeper. Now we smiled in unison, like a duet made of smiles.
July 8, 2007
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