|
|
International
Women's Day - March 8, 2004
Single Moms by
Choice
When Jane Mattes decided to
become a single mother, her nervousness led to nightmares in which
outraged people threw stones at her. Raised in a traditional family, this
professional psychotherapist had always assumed that babies follow
marriage. But when a suitable life partner did not come along, Mattes
decided to start a family.
That was 1979 and the phenomenon of single professional women in their
30s, like Mattes, opting for single motherhood, was just beginning to
unfold. Twenty-five years later, when Janet Thompson decided to become a
single parent in 2003, the social landscape had altered enough for her not
to have nightmares. Single motherhood is now an accepted social reality
and Thompson was one more addition to the burgeoning statistics of single
mothers.
Single motherhood is growing globally, particularly in North America. In
Canada for instance, in 1981 there were 19.1 births per 1000 single women,
aged 35 to 39, and in 2001 there were 35.5. In the US, births to the
30-plus category of single women have nearly doubled in the past 20 years.
Add to this the number of single women who adopt children and the tally
rises further.
What distinguishes singe mothers by choice (SMBC) from 'single unwed
mothers', who got saddled with a baby owing to premarital sex, says Kim
(last name withheld on request) is that SMBCs are financially secure,
professional women for whom motherhood is a chosen decision. Kim, a
Toronto schoolteacher, has adopted a girl from Vietnam.
Thompson, who insists single motherhood is an "empowering" decision, adds
that while single mothers were initially seen as radical feminists wanting
to dismantle the traditional family structure, they now represent
strong-willed, determined women who do the job of parenting their
child/children alone.
"Most women, who have accomplished their professional goals but are unable
to find suitable life partners, realize there isn't much time left to
start a family," reasons US-based Mattes and calls it the "prime reason"
for the growing number of SMBCs.
The increase in number of single mothers has also witnessed a spurt in
support groups and networks for them. Their beginnings can be traced to
the living room of a New York apartment in 1982. This was where Mattes had
organized an informal meeting of single mothers like her.
"About eight women came on the appointed day," she recalls, "some with
babies, some pregnant, some thinking about becoming single moms. And we
got talking and couldn't stop. It was wonderful to meet others in the same
situation."
That marked the beginning of an organization they named SMBC - the name
would subsequently become the nom de plume for single moms. Media
publicity and a subsequent deluge of members followed. SMBC became an NGO
and now has over 2000 members across the US and Canada. According to
Mattes, SMBC provides the "opportunity to network with others in the same
situation (women thinking of single motherhood, women trying to be moms,
and single mothers) and to get information about the various aspects of
those stages."
The advent of the internet, she says, has meant that "we now can offer
virtual support to anyone living anywhere".
Another change in these intervening years is that now governments and
private employers have also started extending maternity benefits to single
moms. Availability of day-care facilities, tax concessions and minimizing
of work hours are just some of the benefits a single mother enjoys today.
Like Kim, who is the Toronto coordinator of SMBC. "I had a full year off
with my daughter. Crucial for the bonding process." Further, she is also
able to work part time in the afternoons for two years and she feels it
has been very beneficial to her as well as her daughter. She has started a
playgroup for children adopted from the same country (Vietnam).
There is a flip side to it as her salary has been correspondingly halved
and she can't afford to buy certain things. But then, reasons Kim, "the
time I spend with my daughter more than makes up for the fact that I
cannot afford a car for another year. I know that not everyone can afford
to do it; but if it's at all possible, I highly recommend it."
Most single mothers, says Mattes, have never been married; others were
divorced or widowed before becoming mothers. These women represent a
cross-section of society coming from different racial and ethnic
backgrounds, age groups, social and political beliefs; even financially
facing different situations. They are different in every which way.
Yet each of them has a characteristic in common - the desire to be a
mother and a belief that one loving parent can do a good job of raising a
child.
But single mothers don't come without their share of emotional and
financial conflicts and concerns. Although single motherhood has increased
dramatically over the years there are still a number of social and legal
implications facing single mothers today. Mattes delves into some of these
concerns in her hugely popular book `Single Mothers By Choice', which has
become a bible of sorts for single moms.
It briefly discusses the changing reaction of society to single mothers
over the years and then digs into the personal decisions and issues one
will face as a single parent. Beginning with an analysis of the various
methods of becoming a single mom - donor insemination, conception, and
adoption as well as their ramifications, it also covers the physical and
social aspects of raising children as a single mother. The book also has
an analysis of what Mattes calls "The Daddy Issue" with topics such as how
to answer a child's questions at various life stages and alternatives to
the psychological aspects of fatherhood and husbands.
The challenges of raising a kid, say SMBC members, are the same as those
faced by any mother. "The differences are that, for better and for worse,
we are dealing with them without a partner. This makes some things easier
and some things harder," says Mattes.
Mattes' son is 23 years old now and she says motherhood has been one of
the most exciting adventures she has ever undertaken. The SMBC network was
a "tremendous source of support", she says.
For Kim, the journey has just begun. She says a good support network such
as close friends, babysitters, doctor and family is crucial to the success
of single parenting.
– V. Radhika
March 8, 2004
International Women's Day -
March 8, 2004
Articles
Females: Superior by Choice, Design and Default
by Gaurang Bhatt, MD
Getting Behind Abuse by Linda Light
It's All About Women by Elayne Clift
New Enemy Threatens Baby Girls by Manipadma
Jena
No Turning Back by Kalyani Menon-Sen
Single Moms by Choice by V. Radhika
Towards Freedom From Fear by Malvika Kaul
Poetry
Beacon of Hope by Neria
Harish Hebbar, MD
Mothers Never Die by Michael Levy
Woman by Pavalamani Pragasam
Women Empowerment: Today's Vision for
Tomorrow's Mission by Hillol Ray
International Women's
Day - March 2001
Ah! Women by Roberta Lee Wilcox
Ahilya - A poem by Manisha Bansal
And the International Women's Day was Born by Meera
Chowdhry
Being A Woman by Manisha Kulshreshtha
How to be a Woman, though a Human by Sangeeta Goel
March 8th - International Women's Day by Pavalamani
Pragasam
Most Beautiful Things
about Women by Smitha V
Mother Teresa: Woman of
the Century by Bijal Dwivedi
Musings of a Lady - A poem by Maria Reed-Shore
Nari 2001 by Lavanya Shah
Nevertheless - A poem by Manisha Bansal
Thoughts on Women's Day by Gargi Chaudhuri
What you can Never
Understand about Women by Smitha V
Women: Symbols of Sacrifice or Sacrificial Lambs? by
Meenakshi Madhur
By arrangement with
Womens Feature Service
Top
|
|
