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Parenting
Mom's Got
The Teenage Blues
by Naunidhi Kaur
 The growing up years are
always difficult. Most parents do not know what to do when their
children drink, do drugs and display spells of incessant anger and
violence. It'd tough when children, who until recently were playing with
Barbie dolls or sitting glued to 'Spongebob Squarepants', transmogrify
into angst-ridden teenagers. And when the inappropriate behavior
patterns increase with time, parents find it hard to come up with
remedial action plans. Gradually, they become hostages within their own
families, anxiously following the mood swings of their recalcitrant
teens.
Experts, such as Gary
Direnfeld, an Ontario-based social worker specializing in
parent-child relations, point out that parents of out-of-control teens
need to toughen up. They need to get counseling, send the teen to a
youth shelter or call the police if the teen keeps pushing the envelope.
After giving the adolescent a no-nonsense message, he suggests that
parents set-up new house rules and enforce them strictly.
But how do immigrant parents handle teenagers, raised with markedly
different values? Ontario-based Gurjinder Anand, a mother of an
18-year-old boy, elucidates, "As a parent, it's easy to get tense and
demand what you want from your teen. But that does not work. You end up
facing even more rebellion or the child can become completely
unreachable. I find it very hard to make my son listen. There is a whole
space between him and us. It seems we live on two different planets.
While growing up in India we never created so much trouble for our
parents."
Direnfeld says that such a situation is common in immigrant families.
"There is a clash of cultures when it comes to immigrant families, which
gives rise to greater teen rebellion," he says. While the parents hang
on to their cultural values that often emphasize respect for elders, the
teens who grow up in a different country tend to gravitate towards a set
of cultural values that privileges the individual, and considers the
self as separate from the family.
When it comes to girls, the pressures of the teenaged years take their
toll on both parents and daughters. Recalls Toronto-based Shreya Gandhi,
"I could not wear the latest clothes. My parents who would be shocked at
anything I would wear. Once my dad ripped apart one of my sweaters
because he disliked it so much."
Direnfeld explains there are many factors that lead to tensions between
a teenaged daughter and parents. "Risk of pregnancy is a potent issue.
In addition, strong cultural imperatives with regard to dress,
deportment and socializing with the opposite sex can place greater
demands on females than males," he says.
Gandhi says that it really irked her when she was not allowed to go out
on Saturday nights. "Even if I wanted to go out for a movie, I was not
given permission," she says. According to Direnfeld, in many situations
the girls choose not to fight with their parents openly but resort to
covert measures. This includes leading a double life, keeping their
relationships a secret and even hiding the way they dress when they are
with their peers. "Other teenaged girls may seek to subordinate their
feelings to the will of their parents only to find themselves depressed
and anxious over their difficulties with cultural and family
adaptation," he says.
Direnfeld has a message for immigrant parents. He says that parents
should accept the fact that their children would adopt the dominant
culture. "It is less a question of whether the children will be changed
by the dominant culture, but rather how and to what degree. Those who
can adjust and minimize the risk of conflict with their children on
these matters stand the chance of remaining more influential in their
children's lives, otherwise it can only create resentment and detachment
over time."
However, this is not to say that only immigrant families have to contend
with headstrong youth. As a mother of teenage sons, Sheryl Cepeda, who
had immigrated from the US, found that each child needed a different
strategy for disciplining. She adopted a firm ground rule: a parent does
not have to give in to everything. She has a piece of advice for
mothers. "You make some rules and you expect them to be obeyed. It is
your house, after all, not theirs and it won't hurt them to be made
aware of that. I would not yell as much, but I would lay down the rules
and just demand that they be respected. Consequences would follow every
time if they did not obey the rules."
However, Cepeda admits that being tough is not always easy. "At times, I
felt sorry for them when I should have simply enforced my rules and
showed them I was to be respected no matter what." However, she has
continued with her tough love rule and it has paid off. She is now a
proud mother having raised strong, independent and responsible young
men.
While Cepeda relied on her own instincts in dealing with her boys,
professional help in the form of counsellors is also an option. "It is
important that parents check out the counsellor's years of experience,
credentials and, most important, if the counsellor's value system is
similar to that of the parents," says Direnfeld. He also argues that
parents could seek other forms intervention - the clergy, for instance,
or other family members.
Tougher approaches are also possible. There are boot camps or wilderness
camps that promise to help parents regain lost control of their teens
and bring about a behavioral modification. When it comes to joining the
camp, the consent of the youth is not required as admission is based on
the parents' decision. Activities at the boot camp include
military-style exercises and marching early in the morning to instill
discipline.
However, even boot camp administrators say that there are no easy
solutions to controlling a wayward teen. "Wilderness camp is the first
step on the long road. It is followed by a longer therapy, which goes
into the reasons for why a particular youth is getting out of control,"
explains Douglas Bodin, CEO, Bodin Group, a California-based educational
consulting group that also runs a wilderness programmes for young people
in crisis. "We try to find why the child is out of control and there can
be a number of reasons," he explains. The reasons can range from
substance abuse and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder to a history
of sexual abuse.
However, Direnfeld feels that camps can only be a short-term answer.
"Often a lot of work needs to be done in the family. There may be issues
like violence and drugs within the family which are adversely affecting
the young people within it," he says.
In the end, experts leave it to the parents to use a disciplining
strategy that best suits them. They, however, reiterate that the
important thing is to get outside help when things seem to be reeling
out of control.
October 12,
2008
By arrangement with
WFS
Image under license with Gettyimages.com
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