Women
What do the Readers Think Pre-marital Sex
and
Indian Culture
I posed the following question to Boloji readers on
the Forum to get an idea about the collective attitude of
Indians as of today on a subject that has been considered a taboo in our society.
"Pre-marital sex is a big NO-NO in our culture for various reasons. While prohibiting sex until one is married has its own merits, one must also consider the fact that in recent times the age in which the men and women are tying the nuptial knots has been slowly on the rise. Early 30s is a common age until which men and women remain un-married due to
prevalent socio-economic situation. In light of this, I wonder if Indian
values have undergone any changes or do Indians still consider pre-marital sex a sin. Please share your thoughts and views."
I must say that Boloji readers proved themselves to be a mature and enlightened lot by coming forward and articulating their wide ranging views on the subject with great maturity and articulation.
Here are the posts received in response to the question.
Ankush Mauni
Pre-marital sex has many forms...from reading novels, stories, watching films (including porno) and also expressing through
poems, writings and expressions through sculpture and paintings etc. Even jokes and humor can be counted in this
category where dual meaning dialogs seem to fulfill the insatiable desire. True social norms prohibit pre-marital sex and for valid reasons, yet the baser instinct always prevails and people are able to find outlets in various forms. Some may even find refuge in singing devotionals in temples (don't they get an opportunity to ogle the opposite sex!)
Thus Taboo or no taboo.... the fact remains that each one has to find his/her own way to meet the urges arising what you address as pre-marital sex.
Ankita
Sex is a very strong biological need. However sex after marriage has a purpose of not only evolution but also a medium of expressing love between couples. If sex becomes a mere need of the body then it can not be enjoyed in true sense and becomes monotonous. This is the reason why many marriages are failing now a days. Because the concept of sex is not very clear and a lot of importance is paid to this subject in negative sense. It is therefore duty of the parents to talk freely on the subject with their kids and enlighten them. The concepts of pre-marital sex have a direct bearing on our total concepts of sex itself. It is important how one feels about sex personally, it is like when you are hungry, you eat garbage or you wait for the right food. Or in other words reading a good book.
AST
Not only is the act of sex, but also discussions and conversations about sex, specifically premarital sex are taboo in our society. As difficult as it is, I think its a parents
responsibility to inform their children about sexual matters, including diseases, birth control, responsibility and the limits that they see necessary. After those frank and open discussions between parents and children, it then becomes the
child's responsibility to act wisely in a situation. As for an age, I personally think that sexual activity should be curtailed until the child becomes an adult at 18. At this time they need to be held responsible for their own actions.
Arun Sharma
Good for the following reasons:
1-Helps one evaluate one's own sexuality 2-Helps one understand the opposite sex at a deeper level 3-Kicks off spiritual thinking early on
Bad for the following reasons:
1-Emotional account dissipates (ref: well known "village theory") 2-When misunderstood (highly likely), one tend to resort to junk food as someone already mentioned in this thread 3-If you don't behave as Romans do in Rome, you can not exist peacefully (sex is not the only thing one needs in life)
My personal opinion... in line with what Deepak Chopra says
- "Go with the flow of universe".
Mahesh Jambunathan
I feel it is high time we move out of the cultural boundaries we have set for ourselves. I feel sex is something basic like food. Binding it by tradition makes you yearn for it and spend half your life thinking about it and the focus on other things just remains blur.
I wouldn't say to totally let it free too. If a couple like each other and love each other physical control should not be a limitation for them.
Meenakshi Madhur
Moving out of cultural boundaries? True ! But how do we do that ? I think cultural boundaries that we set for ourselves are apparent in the form of our mental conditioning and has become part of our belief system. However, in order to de-condition and to move out of the boundaries, we need to reflect on what
exactly is our belief system (as formed by cultural/social norms) and question them. And
that's the whole reason why I started the thread and initiate discussion on the subject.
I believe culture and tradition are ever changing. We can learn a great deal from what has been practiced in the past and retain those that have worked well for us but there is also a need to weed out the ones that are not relevant anymore and create new cultures and traditions as we go along. But whether we follow the old traditions or create new ones - so long as we do them for the RIGHT REASONS, we stand to benefit from them.
Vijay Mehta
This is an interesting subject. I have spent past few years working with the American Born Cute Desi’s (ABCD’s) !
The tradition from back home was no sex before marriage. And in olden times that was not very hard to achieve. Because it was not easy for a man and a woman to have time and space available to engage in sex. Second there was fear of being caught because of unwanted pregnancy. Third there was fear of bringing shame to the whole family if caught. Fourth the marriage age was much younger than nowadays. The degree of inhibition was enough for so many of youth to be able to control the desire. In spite of this there were some who did engage in pre
marital sex. Females specially had to be extra careful because there were not too many man willing to marry a non-virgin. (Of course you always wondered about Mata Kunti giving birth to Karna and having to hide the fact.)
That was back in 1970 and more than 10,000 miles away. We live in new millennium
in United States of America.
Here the young ones grow up in the society where television, movies (even Indian Movies) Music are full of sexual exposure. Sexual explicit magazine, pornographic movies are freely available to the youth. And the internet has opened the door to pornographic material to virtually everyone. Regardless of the admonition against opposite sex, Asian youth is caught in dilemma as to what is right and what is wrong early on (starting from 12-14).
Of course they quickly realize how futile it would be to discuss such a delicate issue with the parents. So for most of them best way out is to live double life. In front of parents they sing are virtuous traditional children. When alone they act just like main stream Americans. As a matter of fact many a times they behave worse than main stream Americans.
I hope not to shock Indian Parents but more than 70 percent of our kids become sexually active before 19 years of age. Of course this is not base on any controlled study but more from personal discussion with hundreds kids.
Our tradition does emphasize virginity till marriage. So many of our young women engage in every other form of sex and still remain virgin. (After all our ex president taught them that oral sex does not constitute sexual relationship).
Because of the taboo associated with this topic no real dialogue can take place. My recommendation is as follows:
While I do not encourage premarital sex I think it is a personal decision to be made by both the people involved. Make sure this is not done due to pressure or to keep someone like you.
Differentiate between sex for purely physical pleasure versus two people who truly love each other and are not married, while waiting completion of studies or some other reason.
Differentiate between emotionally or physically abusive sex versus sex under the context of steady relationship where both parties have mutual respect and care for each other.
Mature sex where the danger of pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease is discussed and emotional problems associated with sex is thought out.
I hope that Asian parents will realize that sex exists and it is far more prevalent than most of us would like to think. The best way to handle it is open discussion and acceptance of it rather than act as if world comes to an end if your teenager is sexually active.
Studies have shown that when sex is openly discussed (without emotional melodrama) the incidence of teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, emotionally and physically abusive sex and even the premarital sex goes down and not up!
Ankita
The bottom line is when two young people are together alone and
hormones are bubbling, it is very difficult to stay in control.
However, all the misconceptions, that pre-marital sex makes you aware of your sexuality or whether there is a chemistry between the couples are mere justifications.
Enjoyment of Sex is directly connected to upbringing, psychology and last but not the least love. Most Indian women in the 50s were brought up with guilt and fear when it came to sex education thus they
didn't quite understand the concept and sex was not enjoyable with them.
Likewise most impotent men have psychological reasons.
Sex is enjoyable with couples when they are truly in love they learn to give pleasure to their partner over a period.
Even married couples and in love cannot enjoy sex to its fullest, if they are under pressure of any kind may be a financial problem or issues between them which are not resolved.
Kapil
I fairly believe that pre-marital sex is fine. Sex is not taboo but something important to our body and life and by refraining it till marriage is no good. By spending better part of youth in dreaming and other except
having sex is definitely not doing right to our body. What I want to say is that if one has friends then one can have intimacy if both feel such towards each other. And
I do feel that due to this taboo hypocrisy Indian girls don't explore there sexual urges for being branded
something, which to me implies that sexual development is dwarfed. Sex
is not just for procreation but much more than that. I feel strongly because
I realize now that I spent better part of my early life believing in that taboo thing. And also if we find in our culture,
I mean Geeta, there would be something to support that, when now marriages take place in mid to late twenties. And at last not having sex before marriage in no ways make u better or loyal
person remain the same.
Dewanand of Netherlands
After the second world war the sexual revolution started in the
Netherlands. Holland was one of the first nations where sex became nothing more than a cup of coffee. In the 1960's and after it the sexual revolution in the
Netherlands was extreme. there was partner changes, group-sex, tools-sex, and many more materialized forms of sexual things.
Now we are one generation further and look at the results. Many old people lives in extreme
loneness. Family ties are practically gone forever here in the Netherlands. The whole society does not exist here in fact. Dutch nation is being presented as a fabric, where only material profit is important.
Children here have a hard youth. I feel so sad to see that young white girls cannot be happy, their whole youth is gone. For a little girl the youth must be pure and without problems of adults. If young girls are not happy then there is something really wrong with the society. In Hindu culture young girls have the powers of Durga Maata and in fact they are treated as holy members of the society.
The facts of life in dutch free sex society:
Many girls have no morality anymore. They see themselves as lower evolved creatures and they hate their own body. Mentally they are depressed and the result is that they do not enjoy relations with men. Lesbianism is very normal here in the Netherlands. Many young women are single and have no relations.
Many white Dutch boys cannot find a girl here anymore, because the culture is gone and the pressure to be good in the sleeping room is extreme. There is always a man who is many times better and the
Dutch boys knows that this is the reality. Love is gone. Tenderness is gone. Relations are built upon sexual needs, without the feeling of being connected with the other soul.
Love is completely materialized.
My vision:
I think that sexuality is very important for every human being. and that's why it is better to marry at young age, to develop your own feelings toward and to fulfill your duty to reproduce.
Every human being needs intimate relations to feel that he/she is living and enjoying life. But men have other definitions of intimacy than women. Maybe it is better to learn more things about the female vision on intimacy and love.
Sex and pornography are typically male things in society, because men have more needs and they must prove that they are good and potent or full with brutal male energy. Maybe it is better to make it easier to find a public woman and to let young boys develop their sexual personalities, But it is even better to let young boys marry early ages and to learn how to love somebody and to take care of the weaker gender.
The biggest problems in the Netherlands:
Sexual orientation. many males have a homosexual phase in their life to experiment with the own gender. sex is the only goal of many males here. just like a sickness that cannot be cured. Many girls do not want a friend anymore and they decide to live alone forever, without children. Empty lives, filled with the richness of many thousands
Dutch guilders.
Having mountains of money yet being extremely poor . Typical Dutch life here.
Many women here told me the following things:
The men are just like animals, because sex and dirty pornography (doing things) are the only goals in a intimate relation with a female. The respect and tenderness are gone in free sex societies. Only doing (mating activity) counts. The satisfaction of women is very low and relations are terminated without being started.
Why do we condemn tenderness and deep intimacy (immaterial) between a man and a woman as being
old-fashioned and backward?
Old traditions are based upon wisdom that is developed during many centuries. the technology of the human spirit is lost nowadays and developing it again will take many centuries. We are back at the
stone age, where females were preys and males were the hunters.
Vijay Mehta
I think Dewanand of Netherlands(!) brings up a good point and there is not much controversy about that. When the sex is used to for basic physical need and show of force it becomes as primal activity just as animals would engage in it. Once it is over it has no spiritual value.
On the other hand human sex is lot more than just a reproductive activity, or a
physical need that has to be satisfied.
The sex for pure physical pleasure is very destructive to the spirit of parties involved even though they may not realize it.
However in a weird way this big no no no to premarital sex encourages the physical sex at the expense of spiritual sex. Our kids have to live two lives one to impress the Indian society (The Parents etc) that they are virtuous people. On the other hand in real life they are driven by the need and desire (after all hormones and biology is just as strong). This leads to their sexual encounter and since no one is supposed to know about it, the dilemma about different aspect of sex is never discussed with other mature people.
Studies have shown that teen pregnancy, Sexually transmitted disease, emotionally damaging sex is much more common in the group where sex is never discussed. When the parents take a strong position to denounce
premarital sex no matter what it shuts of any meaningful dialogue about sex in typical
Desi family.
I think if we do not want our kids to go the Dutch way the solution is simple. We need to have an open mind and willing to entertain the
possibility that many of our wonderful youth may be sexually active before marriage and that in it self does not make them bad
Desi.
Once we take the taboo away there is a room for open discussion where we might be actually help our kids engaged in destructive sex. In return, we as a society have to accept that, if two people
truly love each other physical intimacy is a natural manifestation of love and how far they go is up to the two people involved. Sex is not a bad thing.
Kamlesh Agarwal
Irrespective of the social and cultural norms, pre-marital sex finds place in almost every society in some form or the other as a "natural" method of answering instinctive sexual curiosity. Ideal parenting plays an important role in explaining the phenomenon and imparting proper sexual education. Inspite of this awareness and understanding why it is still NO-NO to pre-marital sex? The logical reason is very obvious.
By nature sex is a pleasurable activity. Since it gives pleasure, more often this activity once committed is repeated leading to an "association" or "impressions" besides formation of habits. Those who have had pre-marital sex, unless are lucky to find a very matured and understanding partner in marriage, somehow continue to suffer due to the comparison of the past with the present. The impressions and memories of the past tend to haunt thereby leading to incompatibility between the partners who in marriage have taken vows of togetherness. Obviously this is very frustrating. We see this frustration resulting in divorce or living under pressure and guilt. It is also noted that such couples are not able to understand the spiritual aspect of sex.
Where pre marital sex is justified, there post marital affairs also go unchecked.
Leading a life of fulfillment is not merely sex..but also complete understanding between the partners, strength of the marriage institution and also raising of a loving and harmonious family. By all logical reasoning, it is not possible to achieve this sense of fulfillment if the mind is grossly engaged in either pre-marital or post-marital or extra-marital affairs for it means dissipitation of energies and leading an unfocussed life.
Thus NO-NO to pre-marital sex is NOT A TABOO but an ideal step towards leading and living life with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
End-note by Meenakshi Madhur
As I said in my opening question to the discussion, the question was asked with a specific view to re-assess and re-evaluate the practice considered "normal" and that has been part of "convention" in the context of changing scenes in our society. One of the significant changes in the context of pre-marital sex is the fact that the age in which the men and women are entering a matrimonial relationship is on the rise.
While opening the discussion, I was not only thinking of the Desi's settled abroad but also the young adults in India. The taboo associated with pre-marital sex , in today's context and times, seems unfair on all youngsters irrespective of the place where they live. Of course the issues that make things difficult for the youth may vary to some extent depending upon whether they there are in India or in places like USA. Hence all
Indian youngsters deserve our love, sympathy, help and support on this matter. Open and free communication and discussion on the topic, I believe, can be a good starting point.
Most of the readers have stressed the role of parenting in the context of pre-marital sex. Thus parenting in today's times has become even more challenging with yet another responsibility added to a list of responsibilities that keeps growing with changing times. In order to be able to educate, support and provide guidance to their children, parents would first have to clarify and come to terms with their own mind-sets and beliefs associated with 'sex' in general and 'pre-marital sex' in particular. I also think the education curriculum in schools and colleges can also play a role in providing awareness and discussion of associated issues thus supplementing the parental guidance.
To address the point raised by Dewanand of Netherlands, I for one believe that
Indian culture is best equipped to handle pre-marital sex. This is because
Indian culture engrains in us (knowingly or un-knowingly) a holistic (integration of mind, body and spirit) approach to most things in life. Therefore I am confident that
Indian youth (with loving support and guidance from parents and guardians) are capable of handling pre-marital sex much better than the youth from society and culture which gives very little or no importance to integration of mind, body and spirit. I do not think that allowing pre-marital sex will lead
Indian society to a Dutch situation because foundations of our culture are much stronger than
Dutch culture. Pre-marital sex does not imply disregard for love, affection and respect between individuals.
As Kamlesh Agarwal has quite rightly pointed out there is conventional wisdom in prohibiting pre-marital sex. However, it is important to question and re-evaluate the wisdom of conventional norms and practices from time to time. Doing so will ensure that we are following or changing the practices for the right reasons. Also when we choose to change then we must take lessons from mistakes made in other cultures . As long as the young adults follow such advices as Vijay Mehta has very neatly outlined in his post, our youngsters will do just fine handling pre-marital sex !
Many thanks to all for participating in the discussion.
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I posed the following question to Boloji readers on
the Forum to get an idea about the collective attitude of
Indians as of today on a subject that has been considered a taboo in our society.
