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|by Gaurang Bhatt, MD|
The American Constitution gives the right to declare war, only to the congress and assumes that these latter day solons will do it after due deliberation, while still standing erect braced by their backbones. A few days ago, our media gleefully informed us that to their utter delight, they witnessed an instantaneous transformation of the overwhelming majority of both houses of congress into craven, creepy, crawly, spineless, slithering worms just as subserviently sycophantic as the quivering to please, jelly-like fourth estate. This startling news stirred up a heated controversy amongst evolution minded atheists and devout creationists, who while products of unintelligent design, still constituted the believing majority of Christians, Moslems, Jews and Hindus in America.
Biologists know that bacteria under adverse circumstances revert to spore forms and hunker down to
face adversity. Gall midges change from R-strategy to K-strategy depending on the abundance of food mushrooms. Dragon- flies have a feeding caterpillar form and a mating winged fly form. Other insects have larval, pupa and adult stages. Liver flukes have five different forms that they go through. Mark Ridley, a renowned evolutionist has fantasized about a super species capable of human, bird and fish life cycle, but Congress went beyond the wildest dreams of evolutionists by its instantaneous transformation from vertebrate human to spineless worm, when its albeit subhuman species literally crawled over one another in their frantic rush to align themselves with the President, prior to the November elections. The American Association of Evolutionary Biologists, an endangered species, celebrated this great metamorphosis as a living proof of evolution of Congressional Finks before our eyes and matching the recently documented change in Darwin's Finches. They have bestowed the PLASTIC POOP award jointly to both houses of Congress.
The Christian Right politely sniggered at the foolish misunderstanding of the biologists and issued a
correction. They claimed that members of the Congress had become born again Christians and seen the light and had decided to practice Christian charity towards the Iraqis. They regretted that the Iraqis life would be nasty, brutish and short, but were rejoicing that their reward in heaven would be greater. The Christian right saw the return of the Congress to abject abasement to the President, akin to the return of the Prodigal and regretted that all it could offer is slaughter of thin Iraqis in lieu of the fatted calves.
The Jews laughed at the naive Christians and seemed amazed at their propensity to mistake a rebellious Jew for the Messiah, while failing to acknowledge a raging Burning Bush as the true Messiah. They congratulated Bush and told him that they were pleased that the Congress had seen Yoh Way and made a covenant for skins of Iraqis. Such an auspicious occasion demanded a sacrifice and they volunteered Iraq, since Isaac had passed on to his maker.
The Moslems whose thinking had been incisively honed by frequent, recurrent, daily, minor, blunt head trauma immediately protested that the Jews were always being chosen. In the past, Abraham had chosen Isaac for sacrifice to God. In all fairness, this time Iraq (of which Abraham was a native) should provide its children who are descendants of Ishmael, for sacrifice.
The Hindus, who are few in number and silently meditating, issued a statement that the ability to
transform in a single lifetime was the unique privilege of Gods, Demons and Kafka. It was inappropriate for mere human beings to comment on matters of higher beings. They reminded the world that reincarnation is not a myth and if the Americans do not perform the good deed of nuking Pakistan, they would all be born as worms in the next life. To appease those whom the statement may have offended, they decided to include the American Congress and the President in their Pantheon.
Americans of Pakistani origin protested the decision of America to threaten the Caliph of Baghdad and Islam and insisted that India should give up Kashmir. Musharraf reassured Bush that he would give Osama nuclear weapons like he gave North Korea, to show his devout friendship to America. He also reaffirmed that he is very selective in issuing permits to kill foreigners in Pakistan and has provided political asylum to all desirous Taliban and Al-Qaeda adherents, as a sign of his goodwill to America, contingent on the price.
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