A wife asked her husband for five hundred rupees as she was on the way to a beauty parlor. Her husband, out of sheer love for her, gave her a thousand rupees, saying she may need some more in case five hundred rupees isn’t sufficient. Hearing this, she widened her eyes furiously, threw the notes on his face, turned in a quick motion and went out of the house, loudly banging the door shut. The husband was dumbstruck. He couldn’t decipher what went wrong.

A young couple had fallen in love. The girl asked the boy, “Which line would you use to woo me, dear?” Her cheeks turned crimson in a blush. “I would use a modem or a wi-fi honey,” the boy replied. It was the turn of the boy to have his cheeks redden as the honeybee stung and slapped him across the face.

That is what happens when men aren’t able to read the subtle signs of women. When it happens, a woman thinks that the man is an idiot. Women think men are dumb and getting dumber. And men give them the chance to prove it.

When it comes to a woman, a man becomes dumb. We have read in papers and journals about honey traps, extensively used as a tool for espionage. From Mata Hari’s spoiled espionage attempt to Noor Inayat Kahn’s defiance under torture to Vera Eriksen’s enigmatic role in British Intelligence. Each of these female secret agents had set a honey trap, and dumb men fell into them.

A fairy who condemned a knight to an unpleasant fate after she seduced him with her eyes and singing. This original femme fatale inspired John Keats, the iconic English poet, to compose the ballad, “ La Belle Dame sans Merci” (“The Beautiful Lady Without Mercy”).

William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, when, referring to his mother Gertrude, says, “Frailty, thy name is a woman.” His mother marries his uncle soon after his father dies and his lady love, Ophelia, betrays him for another man, Claudius. The two women closest to him have broken his heart. He sees their actions as a betrayal. In other words, what Shakespeare meant was that Hamlet was dumb in believing these two women.

Ludwig van Beethoven’s most popular composition, ”Fur Elise” (For Elise), was written for his lady love, German soprano singer Elisabeth Rockel, but she married Beethoven’s friend Johann Hummel. Another betrayal. (Fur Elise was the most popular ringtone after the invention of cell phones). Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart composed an opera, Mitridate, re di Ponto (Mithridates, King of Pontus). The king’s fiancee, Aspacia falls in love with the king’s son Sifare and thus proves unfaithful to the king.

A famous lyricist of Hindi film, Rajendra Krishan Ji had penned a song for the film Bhabhi (1957) which began like this: Jawan ho ya budhiya, Ya nanhi si gudiya, Kuch bhi ho aurat, Zeher ki hai pudiya ( Young or old or even a baby girl, female is a packet of poison).

Women are wired differently. Men are from Mars and women from Venus. They charge each other from the opposite direction and land on earth for the battle.

As soon as the problem is over, men usually do not think about it or even discuss it. This does not happen with women. For them, the issue is not over. They have a lot of questions, and they want to know what, why, and when to persecute it endlessly. Women remember all the previous fights and battles in detail. Women have the irritating habit of remembering the mistakes of their partners and teasing them with cynical answers. This is a different kind of eve-teasing. A woman wants to feel the anguish she feels when her partner hurts her.

Women generally brood, and it doesn’t stop there. Their doubts are never cleared, nor do they stop the argument. There isn’t any satisfactory answer to their question. Do you wish to make a simple, funny comment about her in her presence? Well, it may become a bone of contention and may cause irreparable trouble.

Women speak too much because in the process of evolution a woman’s mind developed to notice every detail, as she was a caretaker when the man went hunting. So, she had to report everything to the man when he came back home, and this resulted in her talking much more than men. Eventually, women developed the introduction-details-conclusion format of a speech, generally laying a base and then speaking in detail. Thus, they can write pretty good descriptive answers supported by statistics. That is why women overtake men in theoretical subjects where a lot of description is required.

Women generally have a strong memory. Since they notice every tiny detail, they remember birthdays, anniversaries, and special events by interrelating the happenings and occasions before and after the event, for example, what you did on the previous day or next day and what attire you or anyone had put on and some such things.

Men cannot win an argument with women as women remember every detail in the past as said earlier. It doesn’t mean the memory of men isn’t strong. They just don’t bother to store such unimportant information for future reference like women generally do.

Bonding between two men is stronger than that between two women although women like to be with someone always. It is very common among men to be alone in various places such as seashore, cafes, streets, exhibitions, malls, and gardens and enjoy the ambience, but you will hardly find a lone woman in such places without a companion. They prefer company.

Men are direct and candid, whereas women express their ideas and thoughts indirectly, in a circuitous manner and in an allusive, intriguing way. This symptomatic language is out of the planet for a man eventually leading to arguments. If the argument gets heated and strong verbal exchanges to take place a woman starts crying and a man at once stops further damage. The following day, although the man has pretty much forgotten or cooled down, she would cry again and if he asks what the matter was, she will say, “I am fine”, even though she is sobbing, banging the utensils on the kitchen platform, on the dining table and sending shiver down his spine. He wants to say sorry again which he had said time and again the previous day, but his apology has no value because she isn’t interested in compromise. Fun is she needs soothing words at that time, but he wonders why she doesn’t say so. On her part, she will never utter sorry or apologize. Maybe she doesn’t want to confess her wrongdoing. The more he tries asking her what’s wrong the more she becomes adamant. Well, it’s a kind of his patience which is at stake as she wants to know whether he is Indeed concerned about her before she wants to come clear. So, he ends up losing the battle. He wanted to slap her hard on her cheeks and give her a couple of punches rather than go in for verbal fights because that’s what men like to do. See, world-famous boxers were men e.g Mike Tyson, Mohammed Ali, Joe Frazier, Sony Listen, Sugar Ray Robinson, George Foreman….list is endless! The exception was Laila Ali. Yes, but the exception proves the rule!

No problem in the world is bigger for men whereas no problem is smaller and unimportant for women when it comes to relations and emotions. Both men and women have two sides of the brain, one is logical, and the other is emotional. Men use the emotional side less than the logical one whereas women use both sides, but the weightage is more on the emotional side, and therefore their decisions are less logical and more emotional. Women remember all the events such as birthdays, marriage anniversaries, receptions, graduation days, etc. connecting them emotionally, and so women are hurt more if you forget their birthdays or marriage anniversaries or some important event of their life. They spend more time on social media than men and are quite active on social sites.

More men than women watch porn. Men prefer nudity. Men watch porn and get excited, and then masturbate. It is the opposite for women. They first get stimulated, then start masturbating, and then watch porn. Watching porn straightway doesn’t stimulate them. Besides, hardcore porn is strictly a no-no for them. They love romance more than hardcore, which they consider cheap and dirty. They prefer Mills & Boon type porn where cuddling and hugging are more common, eventually leading to intercourse. It is not that they are not horny. Women are as horny as men, perhaps more because nature has gifted them with a special sexual pleasure organ in the form of the clitoris, exclusively for masturbating and reaching orgasm. That is why they can remain without intercourse for long periods. Men do not have the equivalent of the clitoris. Injustice by mother (a woman again) nature.

Women, in general, find it difficult to park the car in reverse. They feel baffled while reading maps in the book or maps on Google even though they chose geography at their graduation level.

Women are possessive of their things. They hardly share their things with others. Things such as cell phones, dresses, wristwatches, and vehicles, so much as they don’t part even with utensils in the kitchen. Forget about sharing with their husbands!

Women generally have the habit of saving, whereas men are spendthrifts. Women keep accounts of daily expenses and bargain to save money. Men can’t differentiate between bitter gourds and cucumbers unless they are vegetable sellers. Women can know every type of vegetable and know the difference acutely between similar-looking vegetables, flowers, plants, etc.

When women eat food in public places, they try to keep their hands as clean as possible by eating with the first two fingers and thumb only. They just touch the tissue paper to their lips and don’t wipe it all around their mouth.

Most men are extremely lazy in doing household chores. Their room is a mess with things and clothes are lying around carelessly. They will do household chores only if requested by their wives.

A woman likes to be treated in an important way, such as opening the door of a car for her, adjusting a chair while dining, bending on his knees while proposing, surprising her with a gift, caressing her or hugging her. In short, you score points if you are chivalrous and romantic.

Men respect their partner’s privacy when in a relationship, whereas women share everything about him with their loved ones because by that time, a woman is sure he won’t leave her or desert her.

When men are conscious, they generally scratch some area of their face, whereas women adjust the strands of their hair behind their ears.

All said and done. Men are the lords of the rings. An engagement ring, then a wedding ring, and then, for the whole life, suffering.

Let me conclude with a piece of humor: Anil and Sunil have both fallen in love with Geeta and express their desire to marry her. She is confused. She goes to an astrologer to seek his advice and asks him, “Anil and Sunil, both are in love with me. Please tell me who will be the lucky one?”

The wise old astrologer says: “Anil will be the lucky one. ..... Sunil will marry you ....”

(The above observations are general and should be taken in a lighter vein. They may or may not be correct and may hold only in certain circumstances.)

Image (c) istock.com