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The Year Gone By
|by Perrin Abbas|
What the heck!
Another year has gone by and we always ask ourselves – where has the time gone, why is my face drooping and my waist expanding, my bank balance plummeting and the costs mounting.
This year, I have a few serious items of business to bring up in my annual Christmas Letter (starting this year…God help you!)
Note: I have brazenly included updates about other people too. Hopefully they’ll return my money after reading it.
First of all, I need to mention that I have finally forgiven my mother for not allowing me to wear heels. I know, I know it has taken me 19 years, 53 days and 4 hours to finally let it go, but I just decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore – all that pain, sorrow and distress. I actually couldn’t even look at a pair of gorgeous heels at Nine West without an image of my mum lecturing me about not finding a tall enough husband popping into my head.
Not that I have anything against shorter guys……it’s just that I don’t wanna look down upon them. Although, on second thoughts, it would be flattering to be looked up to….hmmm.
New Year Resolution no. 1: Be open to dating shorter guys. Check
Secondly, I have resolved to not move houses because of pigeon menace and to be nicer to them. So what if the f****** buggers cover my car with their f****** acid-laced droppings and coo (read horrible guttural sounds that make me wanna strangle them!) the *#%@ away starting 5:30am.
New Year Resolution no. 2: Stop fantasizing about ways to kill pigeons!
And then, Mel turned 30 this year and thought mid-life crisis hits then. So he went about bitching and moaning about everything including his eyelashes. I had to remind him to be grateful he was still alive considering he always believed he would ‘poof’ away by the time he was 30. But it was good experience since it’ll be my turn in just about 7 years from now.
New Year Resolution no.3: Read more about mid-life crisis……or PMS. (This one’s for you Mel)
Rashida got herself a pair of……….….twin baby boys, you perverts! They make my heart skip many beats.
New Year Resolution no. 4: Spend more time with them.
Abhay welcomed his second son into the world…..and still can’t see the striking resemblance between them. Are you frikkin kidding me? Or trying to insinuate something against the wife????!!!!
The Dubai Government, kind and generous as they are, decided to improve the working conditions of the people by reducing the Residence Visa Validity from 3 years to 2. This, according to their warped up perspectives, will help the working class switch jobs without hassles. Yeah right! We can see right through you DG!
New Year Resolution no. 5: Work on even more sarcastic ways of describing their lunacy.
My frail attempt at learning Spanish ended with a ‘Dejar de aprender Español, Perrin’ (Give up learning Spanish, Perrin) sent to me by the Google Translate website. Apparently asking everyone for my money back in Spanish doesn't work either.
New Year Resolution no. 6: Learn French.
Veronique moved back to Joburg leaving me to clean up the mess in people’s lives all by myself. (The things I have to do to make this world a better place!! *sigh*) But grateful for Andrea she left behind.
My sister Zarine, bécame a Godmother to scrumptious lil Madison. Now Maddie’s parents bought her a Rabbit and named it Stew! Wonder what their Christmas lunch is…
Shadi, as usual, spent another year managing the scores of guys vying for her attention. She’s a good friend and has promised to show my pic to some of them.
Paula (Bring Bread according to Mel. For those of you challenged in Hindi, Pau is Bread and La is Bring), leaves for Norway on her life-long search for Santa Claus.
Saving grace: Turkey lunch at Dharshi’s place on Christmas Day. For all my vegetarian friends…..if we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?? Some serious thinking required eh?
MERRY XMAS AND A BRILLIANT NEW YEAR!
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