Random Thoughts

Forgiveness, Revenge & Songs on YouTube

This is the song I am listening to on youtube…As I am sitting in front of my PC
I was about to sleep when suddenly inspiration struck me with an arrow.
She does that often….
But most of the times….at the wrong places….and even worse…at the wrong time.
Right now it struck me just as I was about to go to the toilet and answer natures call. 
I know….bad timing…
But this time, I am not going to give her too much importance…..
I know it is a worthwhile thought….but I will wait….and so will she….
So that is what we do….
Now this arrow that inspiration shot at me….well it is not the romantic one…..
You know….not like the ones that go through your heart when your eyes meet the eyes of someone special.
The kind of arrow which strikes you when you notice not the eyes, not the face, not the physique….but the person in totality…the arrow that leaves you amazingly momentarily mesmerized and magically mystified.  And at the pin point peaking moment, the cupid shoots that arrow which pierces your heart and then……well the magic begins. 
It honest feels nice………..and I smile. 
But as that cloud of blinding beautiful blissfulness billows away, I see my PC screen in front of me…..blinking….
Staring at me with those boring bright blunt blistering light that makes me ….blink again….
I blink.
And I blink again….
I just laugh to myself and I look at my messy desk. 
Those kind of cupid’s, those kind of arrows and that kind of feeling happens once in a blue moon. And in my life, since I choose to revel in the bright day light, I choose not to see the night sky, let alone a blue moon.
So what kind of an arrow struck me? 
The arrow of inspiration. 
She does that often I tell you….
And what I got inspired about is……
please wait…let me change the song that finished itself on youtube.
One second please….
Let me see….I finished hearing ‘Enya . 
The River Sings by valerio ottaviani’…it is a smooth song and it does inspire me….
so let me listen to…..er….yes…something smooth and sweet yet powerful and purposeful…..And there I type in ‘Last of the Mohicans’ and then…..my slow internet connection - which I have subscribed to currently so as not to waste my money when I am not at home at all, takes a few more seconds to refresh the page and there I have it…..
I let it play for a few seconds…..
Ahh…..what power….what a feeling…
I suggest you play it as you read the next few lines….
Play it now….
Its titled ‘The Gael - Last of the Mohicans Theme (Dougie Maclean)’
God what a start….
Makes me shiver…..at that purity….that pulse…..that passion…
The Irish instruments into the song….and there I listen…..
And now I am inspired….Inspired to write about my thoughts on ‘Forgiveness and Revenge’….
Or should it be ‘Revenge and Forgiveness’….?
Forget the order….
Just let me write….
A few months ago my family and I had a fall out.
Differences of opinion if I can so diplomatically put it….
And when the dam of understanding could no longer hold the waters of rage it built up inside me, something happened …..
It was not the typical rage that manifested in the form of shouts, screams and stupidity but rather …..the cold callous cursed contemplative calmness. 
It is the rage that remains rested inside….that does not surface but sits silently to strike not once and hard….but slow, repeatedly and persistently. 
I swallowed that venom that slammed itself into the walls of my heart and let it stay being carried in the crucible deep inside of me. 
And I walked away….away from their castle…. in peace promising never to return. 
That rage, those tears and the bitterness….I let those shadows follow me around….and I let them…
 But as I spent the last few days studying a scientific discipline of inner healing, I decided to forgive….not them…..but myself.
The question may be raised…why myself and not them?
It is simple.
They didn’t do anything wrong. 
They did what they felt was right. 
And to be honest, I am no god…no saint to forgive anyone….
I don’t think they didn’t choose to abandon me….yes…my sentence construction is right…..’ I don’t think they didn’t choose to abandon me ‘……rather they chose to protect themselves for possibly what harm I possibly ‘may’ could have caused them. 
May be I had created this result upon myself. 
May be I had not succeeded to prove my worth to them. 
May be….just may be, we were not meant to be close….family, friends or future companions….I don’t know….
But I think today it became clear…..what I had to do. 
Forgive them or think of revenge?
None actually.
Forgive them for doing nothing? 
Not required. 
Not my style.
Out of the person I am and have been, I have not been good at harming anyone. 
Not my style.
When I couldn’t do it with the private memories of my young silly ex….who left me really abruptly for my stupid choice of actions….well…..why them them?
So what is the best thing to do?
Sweet and silently simple.
Forgive myself and let go. 
Forgive myself for keeping the black bloody bastard brunt of hatred locked up in my heart against another human being….and let go of all that negativity.
Now does that mean I will seek them, hug them and act like another Christ? Another Gandhi? Or Mandela?
I feel like laughing when I think of this thought…but here is the reality.
I choose not to get angry….sorry…this is not the right sentence – at least out of what I leant in my experience with inner healing….
(I know…sounds corny….but read on…)
I choose to free myself from anything that is not positive…
I choose to let go.
I choose to move on.
If ever I bump into them, or our paths cross or if I have them wanting to talk, greet or interact with me, I will be polite and friendly.
I will be sincerely respectful.
I will treat them as I would treat any other human being. 
And that is where it would end.
Nothing more.
Nothing beyond that thin line of professionally poised polite prose pouring from my mouth, heart and soul.
That’s where it ends. 
And I move on.
As if they were nothing more than mere ordinary mortals I had once crossed paths with. 
That’s about it.
If they choose to take it further, would I consider?
Would I wish them, meet them, hug them, cry with them, pray for them or want to celebrate Christmas with them?
You must be kidding me.
After accepting atheism in my life, I wouldn’t give much value to any of these festivities in my life which anyways didn’t have any significance or worthwhile memories. 
So would I do any of the above. 
Honestly and sincerely, no.
Would I be moved to tears if they died or were hospitalized?
Probably not…..but then again, knowing the emotional person I am, I never know.
But as I think about it and think about how I have chosen to disassociate myself from them, I think I am at peace with myself. 
So,….wait…let me change the song on the youtube which has been repeating itself again and again….
To this one…
My favorite….all time favorite…
Dark, powerful, yet so truthful….
Terminator 2 – Judgment day theme song.
Revenge or forgiveness….
What is my take on this?
There is no take.
I choose neither.
There is nothing to forgive as no one can do me wrong if I don’t allow anyone to hurt me. 
And there is no need to take revenge as I expect nothing from anyone.
So as I softly take out that beautiful arrow buried deep inside me…
I take out with it all the poisonous bloody river of memories, the dark stench of hurt and the rotting spew of hatred…and fill myself with a light of peace, the coolness of joy and the breath of life…..and I just close my eyes….for a few seconds…..
As I open them…I see the blinking cursor on the imaginary white sheet of paper inside the screen…..
…..I smile….
How times have changed…..
My fingers dance on the keyboard…..and kiss each one repeatedly to type this…..
Mom, Dad, Step Dad, Step Brother, Grandmother…..and the rest of the so called family I have had…..Its cool. 
No hard feelings. …
*laughing to myself*
No soft feelings…
No feelings…
And as I let inspiration sit on my lap and go to sleep while resting her soft head across my shoulders….I continue typing……as I keep thinking to myself….
Let us not make a big issue out of nothing.
Let us choose to move on and make music out of the melodious life that I have been tuned with.
Let us choose to live.
Let us choose to move on.
Let us choose peace.
Let us make it….business as usual.
And keep a healthy, happy and hearty distance between us….and live happily ever after.
The End….
As I listen to this final song…..on my PC……on youtube….
Fields Of Gold - Eva Cassidy


More by :  Loy Machedo

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