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The Laments of God
|by Gaurang Bhatt, MD|
Everyone knows how chummy God and I are. Even as kids, when we played with marbles and when God lost his marbles, as he frequently did, I would cheer him up and be supportive, as he is bipolar. Being of mixed parentage like Obama, he went through a severe identity crisis in childhood and adolescence.
I recollect him saying in agony, “What am I and who am I? Am I Allah, am I Yahweh, am I Jesus —. Should I have a beard? How long should it be? Should it be trimmed? Am I allowed to cut my hair? How many heads and hands should I have? I have no desire for the fruits of my actions, yet why do I keep accumulating money in sundry tax havens”.
I would patiently reply, “You are all those from high, bright and mighty to down, dark and dirty, no offense intended to Krishna or any Indians. You are accumulating money merely to save the banks”.
Anyway, last night at 3am the doorbell rang. I opened the door and saw God. I invited him in and as we had house guests (Satan’s harem and Persephone who visit us from hell every summer), I beckoned him to the couch in the living room. He lay down on the couch and pleaded, “Can we talk?”. I was not surprised at the words because as kids we were often put in front of the TV when the Joan Rivers show was on.
Me– What’s up?
G - Approximately 1400 years ago on a Friday night at the pub, I put out an election manifesto in which I offered a reward of 72 virgins in heaven to any male jihadist who became a suicide bomber and being fair and balanced like Fox News, I declared that females are entitled to half the rewards and inheritance of those of a male, as their testimony has only half the value as that of a male. I thought I was being very generous in assigning that much value to female testimony even though they don’t have testis. Now these Americans and westerners have sown the idea of equal rights for women and want them to drive a car as well. Some woman intoxicated by America’s democracy promotion put on her emancipation burqa and blew herself up in Pakistan by triggering her suicide vest and is waiting at the gates of heaven claiming her right to get in. My situation is like that of Sherman and Lincoln who promised every freed slave forty acres and a mule. They soon realized that America is full of mules but short on acreage, as the Indians including the Cherokees gave up all their land after the trail of tears. I have to give her at least thirty-six male virgins for her pleasure and what with our policy of selective male abortions in heaven and liberal views on consensual sex, we are devoid of male virgins.
Me - Why don’t you call other places to see if they have spare male virgins?
God - I thought of that but I can’t use the US as they have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy and the Republicans want abstinence. I thought of calling India, as the high incidence of eve teasing guarantees that they have large numbers of adult male virgins. That would decrease their eve teasing problem and be a confidence building measure between India and Pakistan, but the Pakistani section of heaven forbids entry of Indians.
Me - Why don’t you get Chinese? They have been aborting female fetuses and have an excess of males with no hope of losing their virginity. They are also all weather friends of Pakistan and so should be acceptable.
God - I tried that but the lady suicide bomber insisted that the male virgins be circumcised and that ruled out the Chinese and Israel is out, because she said Jews are Haram. So I am up a creek. I may have to give female suicide bombers virgin vouchers or IOUs like the state of California. Damn it, there is a risk to my credit rating. Substandard and Boor’s have put me on a negative credit watch.
Me -Why don’t you ask the Pentagon or DARPA to make you some virgin males?
God - I did but there is a federal ban on stem cell research. I desperately asked the bankers to give me a line of credit for male virgins. These are the same sons of Lazarus that I brought back from the dead, but like the Grand Inquisitor to Jesus in “The Brothers Karmazov”, now they say who needs God and thumbed their noses at me. So I went to Bernanke, the owner of the world’s largest printing press and asked him to print me some virgin vouchers backed by the Fed. He said he is so busy printing dollars to cover Obama’s deficit spending that he cannot fill my order. So I went to persuade Obama to help but he is on a bus tour with Sarah Palin. Now my only hope is that the new 12 member panel will rein in the deficit and relieve Bernanke, so he can print my virgin vouchers before there is a riot of female suicide bombers in the streets of heaven like the riots in Britain and Greece. I even asked Angela Merkel to help in the name Zeus, the god of the Greeks who jump started Western Civilization, but she said she is through bailing out the Greeks. The only problem is the panel has senators named Brutus, Cassius, Bogus and Judas and one who voted for something before he voted against the same thing.
Me -You are in a tough spot like Obama. You have a P(B)achman waiting to swallow you, a Huntsman hunting for you, a Gin-Grinch stealing your thunder and sundry Tom, Ron, Rick Perry with or without Mitts after you. Maybe even you will lose the 2012 election.
God - I had plans to reform the immigration laws of heaven to prevent the illegal virgins sneaking across the border and to set up a breeding farm for virgins at th new Ellis Island Purgatory, as the old purgatory has become a holding pen for Catholic priests, awaiting judgment for being accused of child abuse, but the Republicans are carrying out drone attacks with intelligence fed by Mormons, Evangelists and other born again heathens and libertarians and planning to takeaway my social security and medicare. What choice do I have then?
Me - Hey God, you are just tall talk and no action, like Obama. Cheer up, you can seek asylum somewhere because the Republicans will dust up their old policies or those of the Tories and send you to Liberia or Sierra Leone after emancipating you. I would recommend that you cash in your stock options and golden parachutes, retire to Saudi Arabia like Amin of Uganda, Saleh of Yemen and Ben Ali of Tunisia, with weekends in Bahrain and free Viagra and an unlimited supply of certified reconstituted ex-virgins, while under the protection of the democratic power of the Saudi army and US fleet.
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