Jun 01, 2023
Jun 01, 2023
One day a congressman dreamt of Modi. He woke up with a start. His face was perspiring and his breathing was hard. He ran downstairs, knocked the table, knocked several chairs and ran as if the demons of hell were furiously pursuing him. As he ran, he kept shouting in panic, “the world is ending, the world is ending,” and ran out of the door. On the way, he knocked against another congressman who was on his way to worshipping the Queen of the land. The second Congressman fell down on the street, his fat stomach bobbing up and down and his short legs twisting in the wind. A reporter passing by, captured the dismal human rights situation, where a humble congressman was being knocked down and declared that the country is ripe for revolution. The CBI got interested at the talk of revolution and looked with the binoculars for a militant or naxal or terrorist but all they could see was the squirming congressman who still couldn’t get his fat body up. They decided to capture him anyway and hold him for ransom and bargain for funding for their noble snooping activities against everyone except the Queen. Somebody told them that the congressman is not suitable for the purpose as nobody would pay ransom, not even a cent of it. So the CBI took up the suggestion to go after Raoul as he would be a better bargain especially when dealing with the whimsical Queen mother.
Raoul, however, had anticipated all this and was on his way to Indira Gandhi airport. But somehow in his brilliant mind, he thought the nation should give importance to his grandfather Nehru, and he started looking for Nehru airport. He went round and round all of Delhi looking for Nehru airport but could not find the airport. Meanwhile, the Italian queen was packing all the family fortunes that was kept for national development when the pesky finance minister suddenly showed up. “All the money that is here is not enough for even one day in Italy,” she said in disgust. “When are you going to get me more money,” she asked in an imperious tone. The haughty finance minister looked scared and broke into a sweat. “Yes, yes,” he responded with a craven alacrity, “I have levied more taxes and told the Americans that we are planning a deal with the Pakistanis regarding Kashmir and Siachen. They were so impressed by my innovative tactic that they gave me more than the entire budget of the Pentagon. Only thing is don’t tell this to the pest Swamy as he is an agent of the CIA.” The Queen scowled in disapproval but pretended to look helpless.
Into all this fray, rode the dashing AAP on an American horse to rescue the distressed Queen. But the congressmen who were her guards in a fit of jealous rage pushed the AAP hero into a ditch and mounted the horse themselves. But the horse had a mind of its own and was looking with lustrous eyes at the green grass on the Congress grounds and flew into a trot towards the verdant field. The congressmen Kapil Muni, Vijay Singh and Shankar Iyer could barely keep their place. Kapil Muni felt his portly body falling down. The horse did not like the sour-looking face of Vijay Singh and kicked him viciously. Shankar Iyer managed to stay as the horse felt that he was just carrying a windbag. Ashanti Tharoor made things worse with his infamous tweet, “AAP horse knocked the Congress,” and drew the media into the mayhem. The media went with all cylinders firing at the Congress and glorified at the cool AAP horse that stole the thunder. The congressmen stood in a circle of gloom wondering what to do when someone had a brilliant idea. “Wake up the brave silent guru, wake him up, wake him up”, they yelled and started running in the direction of the PMO palace.
They found the silent guru, spooked by Modi, had taken a tranquilizer and was running in a parallel universe. The eminent Guru found Raoul who was also running in the same universe and told him to go back to the Parliament and retrieve the Telangana situation by his impressive speech. Raoul went with a lot of fanfare and took charge of the mike and began his stirring speech, “I have thought deeply about many things. The problem is nobody is doing anything. It is hard for me to keep up with all this inaction. Nowadays Congress is getting more badnaam than the terrible munni of “munni badnaam hui” fame. That is why I came back to give a good name to Congress party as it belonged to my grandfather. The whole world is aware of my sacrifice. They know that I can solve any problem. For example I can solve the problem of poverty. Poverty is a state of mind. I decided to eat roti with my poor kisan brothers and give them “izzat”. The respect they get changes their state of mind and gives them the ability to work hard. And when they work hard they produce more and get rich. The whole world knows that I am doing this. I have also given deep thought to the terror from Pakistan. After many days of introspection, I came up with the truth. We are our own enemy. That’s why I believe Hindu terrorism is more dangerous. Some foreign reporters looked surprised. But I had the presence of mind to ignore them. They also asked me how I would fight inflation. I said people should not worry about it. Inflation is big enough that it can take care of itself. At first the reporters did not understand this. But then they all nodded and gave me a standing ovation.” Vijay Singh’s sour face looked worse as he was motioning Raoul to stop speaking. The Congressmen’s face turned red and the Queen mother frowned at them.
Suddenly, there was a commotion and all of them looked terrified as they saw Modi rising and rising. Panic seized the Congress and Congressmen started shooting with their pistols. First shot was fired using Godhra bullets which rebounded with the famous Raoul speech regarding Sikh riots. Then there was the Ishrat-Jahan bullet which missed the target totally. Following this, there was the “Ahmad Shah snooping against a woman” shot which went round in circles like a loose cannon and was going to enter the Supreme Court when the justice fired a shot that sent the bullet to the Ministry of odd-parliament affairs. And finally, the notorious maut-ka-saudagar shot, the piece de resistance of their superb sniper skills, fell into the dirty-scams ditch, defying Newton’s third law of motion. As they looked sullen, Ramdevji showed up and blithely told them they are so crooked that they can’t even fire a straight shot and to stop tilting at windmills and listen to him. He said that he had a brilliant idea from the guru of politics, the great Chanakya himself who came in his dream and advised him, “If you cannot beat a system, then join it. Since even with several potent arrows you could not bring Modi down. Then why not join him.” Sing the eternal song “Modi lau aur desh bachao.” Every time you sing it look at the moon on a full moon day and sing it with a full throat. This will keep the bewitched AAP horse in check as it can’t find any grass in the dark.
The congressmen were deeply disturbed. Their hands itched for loot. It haunted their dreams and they often woke up in a terrible fright, “my loot, my loot,” they cried aloud. Their distress could be heard on the streets of Delhi and in the capitals of the world. Some of them were walking in their sleep. And so they held a conference to discuss National security issues and identified Modi as public enemy number one and decided to counter his saga of development. After several hours of brainstorming sessions with the curious Naloo of Bihar, providing several cups of chai, and the ever faithful “mullah loving mulliyam” fanning them, they finally came up with a thundering slogan to bring investment to India, “paisa lau aur desh bachao.” Nalooji in a hurry to laud the triumph proudly proclaimed it to the press, with paan rolling in his mouth. The paan chewing had its consequences. Inadvertently it changed the slogan to “Paisa khao aur desh bachao.”
This did not matter to the congressmen who never did much thinking anyway. And so the croaking frogs on a full moon day were surprised to hear a resonating echo when the congressmen sang with all the patriotic fervor they could muster, “Paisa khaao aur desh bachao.” Modi who had reached the moon, smiled to himself, “Brilliant, Ramdevji put them all behind bars.”
More by : Aneeta Chakrabarty