An Open Letter to Airborne Minister

Sir ji,

A communiqu' from your office has proclaimed that you were visibly moved when apprised how hundreds of students could not reach to the examination centre in time causing loss of one academic year. Why they could not reach in time'because your over-enthu Security had the roads blocked, erecting barricades all along the route of your journey. Hence, poor students were delayed beyond redemption. Come to think of it, what is one year in the life of a great nation of a billion people. But no ! kind hearted that you are, you immediately declared your deepest concern and determination to save the poor from the woes of road-blocks .Hence, the unavoidable and painful decision of travelling by helicopter with immediate effect even for local journeys. How very considerate of you. In this KALIYUGA you are compassion personified. You are simply incarnation of the God Himself on this earth. Blessed is the holy land i.e. India studded by AVTARS like you.

People are blabbering and indulging in 'loose talk' questioning your decision to travel by helicopter in a poor country like ours. They are kill-joys. Most of we Indians are like that, what to do. We are ignorant that in India particularly in Delhi anybody when becomes somebody defies laws of gravitation and floats two feet above the ground. Ground beneath his feet is no better that Ground-zero. Helicopter is just about o.k. in keeping with your status. You could have opted for RATHYATRAS but to convert it to your suave taste and security requirements it would have cost a fortune. You are the guardian and custodian of the national exchequer. You are not the type to indulge in opulence and flaunt mindlessly least of all upon yourself. Another technical snag is RATHAS are known to be very slow, though our entire nation is slow and people have frantically taken to fast food in the fond hope of becoming fast. The bottom line is you have opted for helicopter in national interest and not for any love for joy-ride frolics. You have no dearth when it comes to fulfillment of whims and fancies. But as ever, you are inspired by simple living and high thinking dictum. Only two things, one, welfare of people, two safeguard of national interest are closer and dearer to your heart. Silly people keep disputing and confusing between national interest and interest of your sons, daughters, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law etc. etc. How mean !.

O Master ! wretched public of our country is just a thankless lot. Little do they realize that by opting for helicopter you have saved them from countless traffic jams. You think these Indians will ever be able to payback THIS debt, what to talk of repaying foreign debt.

O Soft-hearted one ! by opting for chopper you have reduced seventeen cars of your motorcade thereby saving fuel. In keeping with the latest fad you have not only shown concern towards pollution control but also a serious initiative has been taken in this direction. Imagine poisonous fumes emanating from seventeen cars and a cute, state-of art helicopter on the other hand. Nation will always remember with gratitude your farsighted decision.

O King of kings ! helicopter ride has several other advantages e.g. the nation's skyline is always under your watchful eyes. No undesirable ,Unidentified Flying Object dare enter the Indian skies when you are on prowl er..patrol. Indian skies will be under constant vigil and India will be saved of ever culprit ' Foreign hand '. O Lotus eyed ! if at all you see any alien sneaking around you will locate and liquidate like Flash Garden. O Lord of Lords ! you are Phantom, Mandrake, Flash Garden all rolled in one and possess latest Mask too. Indeed another advantage of helicopter ride is you are saved from unsavory site of heaps and holes that is heaps of rubbish and pot holes. Municipal committee always starved of funds is also saved from frequent repairs, refurbishing and whitewashing of the buildings, pavements and roads. Imagine the amount of revenue saved on this account alone. Poor you ! what more a solitary minister do for his motherland .Travelling by chopper will keep you off from hazardous pollution . We realize A healthy mind resides in a healthy body. Thus, O Visionary of visionaries you can save your energy, compassion and composure to address intricate national problems. You can, thus, evolve newer and unique schemes to amass more and more wealth say just about sufficient to last few generations. O Ocean of wisdom ! how can we fathom your know-how in this field. We live below poverty Rekha. In fact we have heard only of one Rekha. She lives in Mumbai and is said to be quite rich, but that's another story.

O Holiest of holy ! I can foresee a trifle anomaly here, while travelling by road medicos and paramedics shadow you in a luxurious medical van in tow with ambulances, loads of life saving drugs, oxygen and blood taken away from your loyal subjects (who else ?) I doubt, whether a chopper can have such customized modifications. Therefore, I suggest and demand that another helicopter equipped with necessary medical apparatus should follow you wherever you go. What are few crores, after all it is health of our leader which is at stake. If leader is healthy nation is healthy .Simple enough.

O Exalted one ! another benefit of helicopter ride is you will not be harassed by hawkers, eunuchs and beggars who inevitably appear on traffic signals and pester you unending. These beggars and mendicants keep devising novel ways to extort alms. Often these very people show sleight of their hands in flicking away your purse, cell phone and other valuables from your vehicles. We may pass off the whole thing attributing it to 'Foreign hand' but O Enlightened one ! you know it is no foreign hand but our very own indigenous hand so very apt in briefcase and chain snatching Voice of meek ! we do not want your energy to be frittered away in dealing with such lowly creatures. You have to conserve your energy for greater and bigger 'good' of humanity and not squander in combating frivolity of these sub-human criminals. Combating reminds me of the incident when a soldier got waylaid and unwittingly entered your motorcade .Your ever alert security guards thrashed him blue and black. The soldier later confessed never been subjected to such a third degree torture even at the hands of enemy in POW. camp. Last heard he (soldier) was nursing multiple fractures together with few broken ribs. Police was still inquiring into his possible links with terrorist outfits. O Savior of savious ! come to think of it, you have really spared countrymen from so much manhandling. Can they ever return this favor. These blockheads do not understand the simple dictum 'Their safety lies in your safety'

O Omniscient ! India is a large country with innumerable diversities. There is never a time when earthquake, drought, flood and/or train accident is not there in one part or the other of this vast motherland. While you are airborne it becomes so very convenient to de-tour and accomplish on-the-spot site inspection before taking U turn for capital. Home is where heart is and heart is where hearth is.

O Omnipotent ! helicopter is not only the indicator of your advancement but of entire nation. Worst of foes will admit the strides you er'the country has made and commanding heights achieved under your leadership. Gone are the days of bullock cart and padyatras .No use glorifying poverty. High time we stopped this senseless allegory of poverty. The times has arrived to tell the world that prosperity is not the patrimony of America. India too is a rich country inhabited by prosperous people (see the latest listing in Forbes) If Whitehouse can boast of a helipad so can our backyard. We are not a wee bit less. Since ancient times our great sages such as Charvak had insisted to drink GHEE even if one has to beg, borrow or steal. Think big, think global, these are the time of globalization.

O Omnipresent ! I have never stepped into a chopper but have heard that it rattles and makes terrible noise similar to opposition parties. You have to engage some worthy mechanism so that this worthless chopper is suitably neutralized or gagged.

Hail Minister ! Hail Helicopter !

Your worthless
Aspiring Airworthy

P.S. O Invincible ! please do not forget your one and only true Underling. Do keep me by your side. I will run errand, carry Your Pan masala box. You are aware of my expertise in Carting your wares be it image, propaganda or box. Ain't I Carrying your ballot box since 1952.  


More by :  Ravi Pipal

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