As I woke up this morning, the same question occupied my mind. Where was life taking me? I got no answer, yet again. The bright new morning continued to smile at me, its salutation warming me in its splendor. I looked perplexed and wondered if I would ever be able to quench my thirst for a reply. So many years have passed and yet no response. I have not stopped asking and life has not replied either. We are both obstinate!
My family and friends always called me a hopeless dreamer. My impressionable age mystified my thought process. I built a make-belief world around myself presuming that life had only goodies stored in its lap for me; I just had to have the panache of finding it. Every day a new beginning, deeply rooted in the deeds of yesterday, promising a future based on my perspective, positive or negative. The m'l'e of the heart and the mind continued with each new day creating a new task for me. Eyes kept dreaming the fantasy of the heart, often ignoring the warnings of the head. The dreams turned into desire and desires into want and want into an obsession. From trying to build a successful career to having a perfect man, I wanted it all. My dreams challenged me everyday and I chased them with equal fervor and zest. Life moved from one stage to another. Eyes lost their clarity but the vision of my dream was still vivid. Age caught up with my pace and yet I could find enough strength to pursue my dream. I was not willing to give up, but life is a hard master to please. My marathon often ended in failure. A depressed state of mind followed for I was never taught how to accept defeat as gracefully as success. I lost my self confidence, believing in my worthlessness. Was this the dream I had begun with? Was this the way I had hoped my life to be? Was this my destiny (kismet) or my deeds (karma)? It is no denying the fact that my present, entrenched in my past, shapes my future; but is my present also the perfect scenario the way I had perceived it to be, or is this what the circumstances around me have made me compromise it to be? It's a jargon of questions I was faced with daily. The aura around me charged with pessimism slowly engulfed me in its darkness. The smile on my face transforming into wrinkles. Devoid of any emotions, I knew I had to somehow stop this slow demise of myself. I had to get out of this graveyard; for it had the power to kill all that was left inside me. I was now a perfect case for psychologists or even the spiritual gurus!
Someone once told me if you wish to make Gods laugh, tell Him your future plans. I could never understand the deep philosophical meaning of the simple sentence framing the entire essence of life. Today I am still trying to grasp it word by word. It has not been an easy road to enlightenment. Each day has been like a mystery unfolding, a puzzle
I had to figure out. Those I could not solve were best left to the one who created them. Life gives us multiple options to each situation. Our choice frames the 'subjective' solutions, which life kept concealed, never illuminating its contents. So while we chose the means, what we have no control over is the end. That was one major decision that life kept for itself. At every step, it taught us a lesson later tested at a given opportunity. Only those who learnt the previous lessons well survived the hardships of life, receiving happiness and contentment as a reward. The rest were left behind trying harder or opting out. There was no place for the weak-hearted.
Today, what little I have learnt is to accept what I have and the way I live it, for it's the way I have chosen to. After all it was my choice (even if I was forced to make it)! Paradoxically, I chose to be 'forced' into making a decision that I fail to recognize as my own. I have also learnt to be grateful of what I still have and not mourn over what I lost. I could have lost more. Most important lesson I learnt was to never take life for granted and never to curse it. People in trying times often say 'Oh! What could be worse than this?' Well try not to challenge life for it could worsen. You never know for sure! Everything in life has to have a holistic approach. Every deed is a precursor to the next. If things are terrible today, they will improve tomorrow. The night is the darkest just before dawn. We just assume that bad days outlast the good ones. It's because our memory of the good times is diminutive.
The perfect God made none of His creations perfect. Life itself carries a big 'IF' in it. To err is natural and to accept is human. To be flawless is being divine. So why question what we don't understand. Let's make the best of what we have. It is probably better than what others have. To understand just one life, you have to swallow the world. Life might not answer all our queries and doubts, but it shows us the path in its own way, if only we care to understand. It moves at its own constant pace, speaking to us silently. Take a moment to listen and understand the silence of life. It is indeed deafening!!