Random Thoughts

The New Constitution of India

I am sure Dr.B.R. Ambedkar that you burnt midnight oil for long periods of time making united independent India to rise among the other stars of the world thus far. But sorry, sir, all reward of hard work has been thrown out the window by the unholy mess that the people have caused among themselves.

So wrought in anger, and with absolute detest for the politicians, I hereby set to write the New Constitution of India. Not for fun, not out of disrespect for anyone, but for the welfare of the people - after all, its democracy and not "DEMO-CRAZY"!

There shall be various clauses in addition to the existing ones, I shall call them as the addendums to the constitution by itself.

Addendum One: Qualification to enter politics

There has been an ongoing debate on a long known fact of illiterate people coming into the fray.

The new Constitution's first addendum is that it is high time we all sang the "Yuva, Yuva" tune instead. So the average basic qualification for a person entering politics is attaining the age of 25, along with a degree in any subject, not in politics though! The maximum age for a politician shall be 60. The logic is, you may ask - Very simple, if you cannot think straight from 25 till 60, chances are that you may never be able to after that.

This is a high-risk maneuver but this step is to promote educated youth (realizing dearest Netaji's dreams!)

Addendum Two: Money Laundering

Hmmm, it seems the average politician enters politics without a panic in the heart and a conscience of the mind, he sets upon his task as a looter in this world. And when the panic button has to be pressed, he presses the greenbacks into the waiting palms of the others and seeks refuge in the blessings and good wishes of his enemies.

So my constitution shall have a special clause that if any person is ever questioned on the case of money and corruption, he shall immediately be rooted out. I know this is harsh, but we have 8 billion less that one individual left in this country, so we can afford to see off one bloke anytime!

What about punishment? Read on the next addendum for that -

Addendum Three: Crime and Punishment

Crime is the hottest news on any 24x7 channel every minute an innocent victim screams and every second minute the criminals are on the prowl for their next blood curdling activity.

In the new constitution, there is a special clause for a criminal -

In case he is found guilty:

For murder he shall be painted green and given a ride on a donkey for a full day in the village or municipality of jurisdiction for his area of residence. The next day, he shall be given a royal bath and shot dead.

For any other crime he shall be painted blue and taken for a donkey ride as in the earlier clause. But under this sub-clause, death is not the penalty. They shall be jailed for life that has no windows, doors and made to listen to Frank Sinatra's songs replayed on and on - (Trust me; think twice before doing crime in New India!)

I already warned all those timid hearted beforehand reading this, didn't I? Capital punishment shall be the only remedy to this ever-increasing "murder and mess" approach to life.

Addendum Four: Voting Rights

Poor turnouts at the voting booths are a shock to a country with a massive population such as ours! In the beginning, people were not really aware that there was something called a vote. Then slowly they have come to realize that it is a good way of making ourselves happy. Our gain of goodies in that brief period of the election campaign and hearing the party leaders share their "heart filled" remorse over the shape our dear country is in, is way more than the loss that is with us all the time ever since we cast that vote.

We shall make out a list of voters and give out serial numbers to you guys. That way we shall have a register at the voting centers. Those who do come to vote will be given a free cold drink. So all ye people out there, come out here to vote. Only this time, you vote first then get your drink! I know it's a shame, but it works! And then again, this time around, we got those youngsters out there in the election campaign. So India will definitely shine!

If you don't come to vote, we shall have your number and trace it to you. Don't worry, we wont whip you, only we will provide a special holiday for life for you and your family at the Sahara Desert, all expenses paid by us!

Addendum Five: Number of Political parties

There are so many parties in India and they sprout out every new sunrise. Not only does it breed confusion, it also creates more wealth in the hands of many undeserving for not so good reasons.

In my constitution I shall have room only for 10 parties in all and the number of ministers in each shall not exceed 50. That's it! Hey, India thinks 500 people are enough to rule.

Addendum Six: Political party swapping

People change their minds so much often that we see the same person in so many different parties in just a matter of a few hours! Our new constitution shall address this evil as well - a simple clause did it all!

Every politician is allowed to swap his party any number of times. Yes! Amazingly for independent India, something unheard of a law allowing such a thing to happen. But I have a Rider here for you - the first time a swap or creating a new party is done, the fees for registration shall be Rs.10 crores, and from the next time, the fine shall increase to Rs.25 crores per person who does it.

After all, as the saying goes, we might as well "make hay while the Sun shines!" (pun intended)

Addendum Seven: Cases and Courts

We have seen and heard enough of Gandiji's murder case taken up now after all the accused and their heirs have all left Mother Earth, and yet want to continue on in order to get "true Justice". Oh, brother!

And we Indians have takes a leaf out of USA's legal world by going to the courts and police stations for Saurav Ganguly's batting woes that there is no real meaning in the legal department to work overtime guessing what your mother had for leftovers from last night!

So all the cases taken up by the courts, no matter how corny they might be, shall all get over within a period of three years from the date of lodging the case -notwithstanding how many courts take up the case and notwithstanding the Advocate's vacation plans and the policeman's plundering of the eye witnesses and the evidence.

And to be less harsh on the poor courts who have been great time managers thus far (only then you become a grandfather when you get your "justice"), there shall be allowed an additional ONE year keeping in mind the complexity of the case.

What if, you ask, I knew it! That's why you intelligent folks are reading this - what if they still don't make it to a conclusion - hmm, we have made a suitable alternative. All the jury, the Plaintiff and the Defendant shall be jailed and made to watch re-runs of the soap operas on TV till they admit the truth! (I'm sure this is the worst treatment for any person in life!)

Addendum Eight: Equality in Law

The law always talks about equality, doesn't it? And why, why don't you get that engineering or medical college admission even when you have been a top ranker all along? Why do we roam the streets like a nomad (No-mads, we aren't mad are we!) while those gifted with a Birth Certificate that says "low caste" or ST/SC gets that perfect job that we wait all our lives to even sniff (breath taking most of the time)?

Hmmm that is equality before law you and that gifted person are equal before law, so he gets your job, and you go begging around for a recommendation letter! Wonderful feeling, isn't it?

So the New Constitution shall change that we shall have a clause that reads thus:

Everyone is Equal before Law : employment, education and all fundamental rights are equal to everyone. So now, jobs, education and rights are all given for all and its on first come first serve basis.

With all due respect to the existing Constitution of India, I hereby set to rest my pen (keyboard rather) now - but please do tell me.

How much longer are we all going to witness the evils around us with corruption pressing all our heads hard on to the anvil, the iron sword ready to whip its fiery edges to behead us all. All for a vote, a vote that only half of us put, and the bitter (better for the parties!) half is a fillip done by the politician himself. And then the carnage continues its ugly head.

And if you still want to do those hideous acts to spoil my afternoon snooze on Sundays, then I shall surely add more to this New Indian Constitution (be good to me and you will be spared!)

And then you have the alternative of being in my good books, by giving me bright ideas for more addendums to this great classic exercise to reform India. Be with me and do the honors, people! 


More by :  Karthik Naryan

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