The Boss

I see the way he looks at her, the filthy bastard. She notices and flashes her dazzling smile. Does she like the attention? How dare she. Maybe it’s Ok. I am no saint. I look at other women too. Not like this S.O.B. He is ogling at her.

Just a week ago Tara and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. She gave me a nice card and the bowtie I am wearing today. She said that I could wear it with the Tux. The bowtie feels fine. It is these 12-year-old trousers that are torturing my waist. I am struggling to breathe. I also have a slight heartburn.

This guy looks prim and proper. He works out a couple of hours every morning, I heard. No wonder all the women in the office find him attractive. Is he my age? He’s probably younger.

I wish he would find himself a woman and leave my woman alone. He said he was ‘delighted’ when I introduced Tara to him. She seemed to be charmed too. Will he make a move? Is he so brazen to do it at the company’s annual dinner party?

Maybe he’ll call home in the guise of talking to me. Then he’ll do all he can to charm Tara. Then they will probably plan a rendezvous…

Shut up, man. All he has done is smile at her. Why am I making up these stories? I don’t think she feels the same way about me as she used to. I was young and attractive then. Now, my energy level has gone down. I have this ugly waist to add to my frustration. People here must be thinking that she is too good for me.

Will he ask her to dance? He probably will. I’ll try to lead her away to the pool tables. Have to do that quickly before the music begins. What if he follows us? What if he challenges me? I have not played in a while. What if he beats me?

That will be another point in his direction. God, why did you make this guy my boss? He seems to outshine me in every way! I have to start exercising again and start all that romantic stuff…

I must make an effort to come home early. I’ll surprise her with Champagne and roses. I need a drink now. If I leave her, maybe he’ll make a move on her. Why am I so paranoid?
When did I start being like this?

It must have been in college. That first year those guys picked on me. All because they were the seniors and I was new. Their ragging went over the limit. Wonder what that girl thought when I asked for her waist size! Did she know that those seniors made me do it?

Why am I thinking of ancient history now? That was more than 16 years ago. I am bigger and stronger now. I probably could beat up those guys now, if they dare pick on me…
Why do I indulge in all these thoughts? It’s my new boss. Ever since he’s come on board, I’ve been having these ‘pangs’ of insecurity. Maybe I could cross the border to Mexico, buy some rat poison and put it in his lunch box. They would never be able to pin me. Or maybe I can somehow sneak into his house and hide till he went to bed. Then in the darkness, I would creep out and stab the bastard…

All this for his smiling at Tara? How sick I am. He’s not done anything to harm me. He’s always been cordial and nice to me. It is all in my head. The problem is with me, my mind…

Something about the way he looks…

Yes, he has the same nose as Mr. Fitz from middle school…

Why the fuck am I thinking of that sleaze ball now? I must not. I cannot seem to get rid of those painful memories. Besides, didn’t Henry tell me Fitz died a couple of years ago?
He’s dead pal. Stop thinking about him.

I will ask Tara to dance now. That will stop this destructive thought process. She does look ravishing in this evening dress. Those earrings go well with it too. Wonder what she saw in me…

Why am I doing this again? I know I have this inferiority complex. Fitz, you pervert, what have you done to me? You exploited me you bastard. Focus of Tara! Focus on her! You can do it.

He’s looking over towards us. Is he looking at her? He’s smiling. He’s waving to us. She smiles at him again. Tara tells me that he’s real nice. She wonders why he is still single.

Fitz was single too. Yes. Women were not for him. He preferred little boys. I trusted him. He told me that I had promise as a basketball player. He asked me to stay back after school to practice with him..

I would file charges if he were alive. I want my revenge!

She asks me if something is bothering me. I tell her that I’m a little tired. She says that she’s ready to leave when I am. This is a Godsend!

I feel so much more secure now that we are out of there. Such a pity! The place was great. The food was delicious. Unfortunately I am wired in such a way that I cannot enjoy a lot of life’s pleasures. Wonder how Tara still stays with me.

I am incapable of half the things I want to do. I seem stuck where I am. I do not have the guts to nurture my ambitions or my sick desires. Maybe I’m lucky that I am too paranoid to carry out my evil designs. I know my designs are evil. It is probably this knowing that separates me from serial killers. I am probably as perverted as any of them. I know what Fitz did to me was terrible. I also know that it is high time I move on.

Thoreau was right. Indeed, most of us were meant to live our lives in quiet desperation. We carry our baggage and live with our demons throughout life. We simply cannot let go. There is little we can do about it. God, ignore all my previous thoughts. Bless my boss, for he is a nice guy. Luckily for me, as long as it’s all in my head, it’s Ok…


More by :  Rajiv Ramaratnam

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