"Jaanu!

I received your long letter. I now understand the ups and downs of your family life. Thank you for your concern about me and the love you have for me.

You know everything about me. You are the one who should explain things to your people. When you keep asking on their behalf, it gets a bit irritating. Why should they care how I live? I want to live as I wish! Why should they know about what happens in my home? Did I ever ask about what goes on in theirs? Every house has its own secrets—if you dig, you’ll only find more dirt. Why should they care about our family’s culture and values? Is it just to create gossip?

I work just like all of them. I live among everyone. I buy nice sarees and dresses that I like. I save from my salary. I’m paying installments for an apartment in a gated community. I do social service as much as I can. I bought a 400-square-yard plot along with them as a future investment. Now they say I should sell it. Why should I? What would I do with the money? The value of the plot is increasing day by day. Before it rises further, they want to get rid of it! No marriage, no children—what will she do with it? Should I tell you? She has plenty of dreams. She wants to build an ashram with it. If she waits five more years, the price will be much higher. Then she’ll sell it, she says. If they have so many expectations, shouldn’t I have some too? Just because I’m a single woman! I know they’re trying to scare me, saying someone might grab my plot or forge documents. But aren’t we all aware of such things? I just couldn’t say it out loud.

Is it really about wanting to help me, or just their own selfishness? If they really wanted to help, is this the way to talk? I attend meetings and seminars. Among everyone, I’m not less than anyone. My circle is much bigger than theirs. Tell them it’s not good to act so foolishly. What’s their real intention? Is being alone not enough? Isn’t the apartment enough? What will I do with this plot? Should I tell them everything? Shouldn’t I have a private life? Shouldn’t I have my own goals?

"Not everyone! Not about everyone! It is not good to know everything."

What are they planning to tell me? Why should I listen to them? Would they listen to me if I spoke? Would you listen? “Just get married!” If you marry, all the troubles begin! A woman born to marry, must have children. You yourself are troubled by this: after marriage, you must have kids, do housework, cook, serve your husband, in-laws, and every guest that comes by. You yourself have struggled with this. All the problems women face are because of this patriarchal family system. They call marriage sacred, but after marriage, a woman becomes a slave to the family. Did Rosie listen when you told her this?

If someone says enough, they just make excuses! On one side, love for the children; on the other, frustration and anger at the husband. Why not just leave the husband and live peacefully with the children? But she doesn’t have the courage. Again, we’re expected to show sympathy! We have to! Watching those responsibilities, that domestic violence, the psychological torture—we’re witnessing it all. What can we do? Can we interfere in their family matters? We do what we can—counseling. You keep saying the same.

Jaanu, you asked about me. We need a new culture. In this family and marriage system, Manu Smriti clearly says women do not deserve independence. I oppose Manu. In the name of Hindu culture, this system suppresses women and makes them serve. Many countries have changed. Marriage, children, and the family system are declining. Women are proving themselves. New systems of mutual respect and cohabitation, without property rights, are emerging. Even in India, the Supreme Court has ruled that the law protects them.

“This is my body, my salary, my intelligence, my freedom, my likes and dislikes—why should I give power of attorney over my body to a husband and act as he wishes? Why marriage?” The younger generation is questioning. What happiness does marriage bring women, except punishment? This is a patriarchal society. No matter how talented, a woman is always a second-class citizen under her husband. Our marriage system is like voting for someone who will then beat us!

That’s what today’s youth are thinking. Marriage and children are not essential for life anymore. We need to give courage to such a generation. We should be their support, their shadow, so they don’t fall for tricks. We should stand by their life goals. When they live far from their parents, we should assure them they have our support.

Whether it’s Rosie or you, you seem to be banging your head against a wall and getting hurt.

Jaanu, just remember once how you used to be! How you’ve changed! I know how you feel inside. Would you have written such a long letter if you weren’t hurting?

Remember how everyone called you the college beauty symbol, our town’s Aishwarya Rai? Remind your husband of all that. See how his face falls! If you say that, you worry about divorce and torture! But how do you tolerate the silly stories your husband tells? Didn’t someone say you could have had better matches? Ask him directly—did he marry you for you, or for your salary?

It’s not just you or me—everyone faces something. Caste, dowry, unemployment—so many things prevent marriages from happening. If these barriers didn’t exist, I might have been married long ago, and you wouldn’t even know about my situation. If you can’t handle it, tell them not to insult you or cause you mental anguish.

What happened to your beauty, your education, your charm, your youth, your walk from college days? Ask yourself—did you lose all that because of me?

If you dress up nicely, your husband gets angry. Your daughter’s style is called “passion,” but Indian tradition insists on sarees. Your mother-in-law joins in! You can’t wear what you like, can’t style your hair how you want, can’t meet your friends. After giving up so much freedom, what have you gained? Two kids, a tubectomy, an apartment, endless chores, and tons of responsibilities! If you slacken even a little, you get scolded. Week after week, the mental torture continues. Is this what you achieved?

Those who boast “my husband is mine, my property”—does he really value your words? If he cared about your health, would he refuse a five-minute vasectomy? Remember what he said when you asked him to get one! Is his life more valuable than yours? Who’s responsible for your monthly suffering? When you take leave, he complains! If you don’t cook, he throws the plates. Is this equality? He won’t clean, wash, cook, sweep, or hang clothes. He just sits with the remote. After work, he expects you to make tea, coffee, cut fruit! Rosie’s pain is the same as yours—the reason is, you’re wives, they’re husbands!

He takes your entire salary, gives you a card, calls it pocket money, but the ATM card is in his hand! The plot you bought with your salary is registered in his name! Doesn’t that show he doesn’t trust you? If you cook what he wants, wear what he wants, attend functions he wants—you get “love.” Why does your husband need your ATM cards? If you had your own, you could save more, buy another plot.

Jaanu, you ask about Rosie because you’re weighing your own life. Rosie, and you, both want to live freely like me. I can see your inner thoughts. But now, after so much life has passed, it’s not easy. Responsibilities have come. You are the mother of your children. Thank you for your love towards me. But—

You say your parents wasted your salary and ruined your life. I don’t need that much sympathy! If I were the eldest son, wouldn’t I have to get my sister married? Only after my sister’s marriage could my own happen! My parents spent their lives to educate me. Since I was the eldest, if I got married and left, who would care for my parents and brothers? Don’t I have a right to my salary?

Jaanu, if you, who know everything, ask why I never got married after everyone else settled, what can I say? To rise from first-generation to middle-class, so many sacrifices are needed. Whether the eldest son or daughter, sacrifices are inevitable.

Even after everyone settled, my parents kept rejecting marriage proposals for me, saying they didn’t want to lose me. Maybe. But I can’t blame them. If I wanted to, couldn’t I have married? But love changes after marriage—fear of breakups, heartbreak. Better to stay like this!

Didn’t people love me? Don’t I know how to love? If I earn a salary, it’s for my happiness, but would they take my burdens? Frankly, I never liked the idea of marriage since childhood. I grew up singing and playing with respect for my parents. As the eldest, I was like a princess at home—everyone listened to me! But seeing all these marriages and families, I didn’t want to fit into that system. I don’t even remember when this opinion formed, but I always felt irritated during marriage proposals. I rejected many matches.

Jaanu, you know! I wrote all kinds of conditions in the marriage bureau: caste doesn’t matter, no dowry, only those who agree should contact. Must submit health and salary certificates. I will work after marriage. My salary is my wish. My parents will stay with me. I won’t have children. The husband must get a vasectomy right after marriage. I wrote all this. You remember, right? Even then, some liked my personality and came forward. But I rejected them. Maybe it’s arrogance, maybe self-respect, maybe fear of marriage, maybe anger at my family for not caring about my marriage, maybe just my wish!

But Jaanu, since childhood, I wanted to help poor girls with my earnings. This wish came from the natural desire of girls who wish someone would help them.

Jaanu, not just Buddhists, even Buddhist monks lived alone. If you don’t have such desires or selfishness, you can serve as much as you want. Without marriage, life is so peaceful! Just imagine.

Tell Rosie to come out of this dependent psychology. There won’t be any heavy responsibilities. You try telling her again. If nothing changes, go your own way! Marriage is not the only life. Life doesn’t become meaningful only through marriage. Lata Mangeshkar is my inspiration. The name “marriage” is just a sweet label created by traditionalists to suppress women’s creativity and force them to serve and bear children.

If there’s no prison called marriage, we can spend our time, life, and earnings as we wish. This is our life. If I remain unmarried, it’s a gain for the country, not a loss.

Jaanu, Rosie—the root of your suffering is the family system, which exists only because of marriage. Without marriage, the family system disappears. Without women, there’s no family system. That’s the fear of traditionalists! The family system continues only because of women’s marriages. By taking away women’s freedom and independence, the family is maintained.

Jaanu, if you really want to escape the burdens of family, culture, and domestic violence, fight for equality with your husband. All the work you do, he should do too! Why not share the chores equally? Cook together, wash clothes together, clean together, bathe and dress the kids together, stop those silly habits! If he doesn’t listen, for your freedom and equality, would you leave your husband? Think about it! Can’t you live without a husband? Can’t you raise children alone? My advice to Rosie is the same.

Jaanu, the family system is a patriarchal system that enforces women’s servitude in the name of love. Only when this system ends will women’s slavery and oppression begin to disappear.

Jaanu, your life is your wish. I like this life. Forget the past—it’s all a sea of women’s tears. This modern life, with freedom of choice, is better. The “Manu Smriti” that says women have no freedom—Ambedkar burned it a hundred years ago and showed us the way.

Jaanu, I will live my life my way and help others as much as I can. I am not a devotee like Meera Bai. I don’t worship anyone. I am myself. My name is Navya. My path is tomorrow’s path. Your children will walk my path. Bless your children. If your marriage breaks, don’t worry about being alone. Tell Rosie and yourself that I am still here. Let’s build a beautiful four-story ashram on my 400-square-yard plot as an ideal. Let’s give shelter to those in need. Let’s run the ashram together.

For as long as we can!

With your children, with our children.

As your childhood friend, this is all I can say to you and Rosie right now. I am here.

—Your childhood friend,
Navya. ‎