Your question is clear enough. I do not have a clear answer. It is proper that you should decide the way of life for yourself. So, though the answer is known it is not proper that it should be told. I have come across some such situations and I will place them before you. It is better for you to decide taking into account all aspects. 

If you lose in the battle of life you should not throw the blame on others but overcome the shock and be the victor again. This is possible when you have the self-confidence that the decision was yours. If you sow seeds at the first showers, for want of rain the crop my dry up later.

You should stop discussing on Chalam* every time. The society has gone much forward since Chalam. If you hold on to Chalam for everything, how will it be your decision and your experience? In a way it speaks of a slave mentality that depends on others.

Lakshmi! spring clouds, spring, lightning and thunders are beautiful to look at and hear. The more the sun shines brightly, the more the clouds look beautiful with silver linings and black borders. But if it rains in spring it is dangerous. Because of winds and hail storms the crop that has come to harvest gets destroyed. People call spring rains the destroying rains.

Lakshmi! The spring cloud has filled your heart. I am in the chill winter. When I tell you something you may understand it in a different way. The reason for this rests on the two different situations we are placed in. I lost all interest on the spring seasons of life. I feel the rainy season is the mother of all seasons.

I belong to the old generation. You belong to the new. Between you and me there is a gap of many generations. You are a girl. I grew up like a boy. Because of this too there may be a lot of difference in our thinking processes. Psch! Why did you shrink at the expression I made as though I made it to belittle you? 

That means you are also attributing the meaning of the old traditions for the expression 'a girl'. In that case there is nothing new in your attitude towards women. If not, you may say you are not the girl that would agree with the other girls who accept that expression.

Why do you say that all other girls are one and that you are different? Are you not separating yourself from womankind and becoming lonely and isolated? So your fight is a lone struggle connected with your single self. 

Apart from the confidence that the society is with you, you do not have the faith that all girls think like you. Does it not look as though you feel happy if you lose the battle for want of confidence in your daring ......? Rangavva is far better than you......

~*~

Your question is not something new. It will not fit into the frameworks of theories. That is why all theories are putting the question aside. That is the reason why though many have been facing it, the society has been pretending and expressing surprise as if it is a new problem never faced before. That means life and society have not decided to record that history and culture. My life is an example for it. Rangavva's life too......

...... At the time I got appointed as a teacher in a village in 1960 on the Dharmapuri route, the local chiefs called 'doras' were ruling the roost. I was a teacher only by designation but in reality I was an educated tenant to the chief of the village Rajeswara Rao, doing him free service receiving a salary from the government. To give my position respectability. I was his personal secretary. 

My job was to follow him wherever he went, carry his suitcases .... nod my head to whatever he said.... to give two versions of the answers taking care to make him believe that both versions were correct.... The chief used to leave me alone when he had to attend to things which I should not know. During those free times I used to run the school. I used to spend time drinking toddy in toddy topes. That is the reason why no one could get any education in that village. The Dora also wanted it that way.

Rajeswara Rao Dora was a good man. We must call a spade a spade. He fed me with what he ate. When we went to Karimnagar on work we were put up in the same room. When we went to Jagityala he never diminished my importance or respect. Once when we caught a wild pig, he gave me two kilos of that curry and asked me to take it home. We ate the curry for three days.

In summer Dora used to get 'neera'. My chief should have a companion by him even at twelve O' clock in the night. We used to drink 'neera' munching mutton. Perhaps you do not know. In those days in the houses of the chiefs pickles with the mutton of wild pigs, sheep and deer were prepared and preserved. Those pickels taste fresh even after six months as though they were fried and cooked just then. These chutnies and pickles tasted great.

The chief had three bed rooms in his house. One was for him and his wife. The second was a rest room for one individual. The third was by the side of the verandah. When officials or relatives came, he would show them his respect by talking to them and sleeping in that room giving them his company. 

That room would get converted into a bed room for officers now and then. Unless the chief had to get important things done by them, that room would not be used. If that room was allotted to someone it meant that the chief had arranged non-veg food, toddy and a woman for the guest.

The chief had another bed room. That was the husk storage room in the cattle shed. Generally it was used as a bed room during day time only. In that village there was a woman called Rangavva. She used to visit him whenever he wanted her. She was acquainted with of all other rooms except the bedroom of his wife......

Whenever she came to meet the chief I used to leave them alone... and go on my work. I do not know whether she felt pity for me leaving them... or it might be love for me...... I do not know. 

I am not sure whether the chief had an idea about our relationship. When I expressed fear, she would say that the chief knew about our affair and that nothing would come of it. By then I had a son. I wanted to get my wife and set up family but I was afraid that the chief may be enamoured of my wife. When the chief visited our house at Jagityala I took every precaution to keep my wife away from his eyes. When Rangavva told me about a particular incident, my fears grew tenfold.

Earlier a woman called Buchchavva used to visit the chief as Rangavva does now. It appears Buchchavva resisted in the beginning. He got her to his house telling her father-in-law and mother-in-law that he had some important work. 

He repeated it three or four times on different occasions. Then Buchchavva told her people that she would live only with the chief and not with her husband. 

Her in-laws finally appealed to him to leave her alone. But she told her in-laws, come what may, she would live only as his 'keep'.  

But no one knows the truth. 

How could she enjoy the comforts she had with the chief at her in-laws house? 

All of them have to sleep in the same hut. Her husband stood no comparison with the chief. 

Any bedroom in the chief's house gave her a lot of comfort and rest. 

What he ate and drank, the chief gave her. How could the rickety rope cot of her house give the comfort the chief's tape cot gave? Whenever the chief called her, it was like a joyous festival. 

She used to make herself up for the occasion. Perhaps the most memorable and the sweetest moments in her life were those she spent with the chief. 

Buchchavva's husband married another woman and left the village. 

She left her two sons with her in-laws. 

After many years her dead body was retrieved from a well. 

Some said that the chief himself killed her. 

Some others said her husband killed her and threw and body in the well and that the chief had no need to do all that.

Four years later when Buchchavva died no one accused him. They said she might have committed suicide as her life had no support....

The chief used to dress in dhotis then. Rangavva loved me as I was wearing pants and shirts and looked handsome.... Rajaiah, Rangavva's husband knew about the activities of his wife with me also. 

Yet he could not accuse Rangavva, me or anyone else. Rajaiah was cultivating two acres of the chief's land by a written agreement. 

He behaved as though it was something great if she cooked food for him. Now and then Rangavva used to take home stealthily some mutton and toddy for her husband. 

At times Rajaiah used to quarrel with his wife. She then questioned him in what way she neglected him. 

As a matter of fact there was nothing wanting in Rangavva's individuality. 

You should believe me when I say that I learnt from Rangavva how a man should derive pleasure from a woman.

Rangavva had a great heart. She loved the chief or me, or her husband with all her heart. If she was sent to any officer she treated him also with great love. 

The officers never forgot her. She never, for a moment, believed that she was doing something wrong. 

She never expressed a feeling that her life was a waste and a disaster. She was full of enthusiasm and behaved as though what she did was normal and natural.

There existed once a caste of kalavanthula or bogam. They lived in this manner always with some man. They used to make money and buy gold for their children as also some land from the men with whom they kept company. In course of time this culture of keeping a woman as a concubine was looked down with contempt. 

Now this caste is not to be found in our area. They all got merged with yellapu munnuru kapu and padma sali castes. If the women appealed to the men, their children were found some employment with the patwari or the police patel. 

A little land was also given to them. 

The chiefs knew that the children of the women were their progeny but did not permit the children to call them 'father'. 

The children should call them 'dora'. If the children of the concubines had to be married, some poor people of some other caste used to come forward for the alliance. 

The prostitutes were accepted as members of their caste if the women provided toddy to all the members of their community. Now after these fifty years it is difficult to find them out as they got merged with other castes. For some time they were called kotha kapulu and kotha saleelu. In course of time even this distinction got lost.

Rangavva was not born in the prostitute caste. I will not tell you, to which caste she belonged. If it is revealed a number of problems crop up. There were women like Rangava in all castes. In whatever caste she was born she was as cultured as one born in the prostitute caste. 

I think you know the character of Vasanthasena in Mrichakatika, and Madhuravani in the play 'Kanyasulkam' of Gurajada. Also that you know about the prostitute woman called Amrapali of the Buddhist monk. These women had grown cultured in the company of wealthy persons. They had won the love and admiration of the worshippers of love. But Rangavva was not educated. She had no talent in any art. She could only sing some folk songs melodiously.

Lakshmi...... if you do not feel surprised. I have to tell you that Rangavva had two children. Two others died. She used to live with at least three men.... with her husband, with the chief and with me.... she used to behave very pleasantly with any officer to whom the chief sent her. 

I know all these facts... how nice it would have been if Rangavva had been my wife!... If only the society agreed. I used to yearn greatly to make her my second wife... But it does not mean she was a beauty. She was a little dark but glowed all over her body... I was very much attracted by her individuality.

Perhaps Rajaiah liked her for this reason…. That was why he did not go astray like his wife. Or perhaps even if he had gone astray, he could not have got pleasure as much as from Rangavva. To tell the truth, even the chief loved Rangavva more than his wife. 

Rajeswara Rao, the chief was a dual personality. One side of him was the individuality to attain his desires cruelly as a chief. The second was to respond to problems with a human touch. In the case of Rangavva he behaved as a man of heart and treated her with respect.

Ratnavva, the wife of Rajeswara Rao Dora was envious of the love he showed towards Rangavva. She used to taunt her husband but he ignored her taunts. If she still raised her voice he would declare that half the land would be given away to Rangavva and that she would become his second wife. 

Ratnavva left to her parents for some time. Her action did not produce any result for Ratnavva. 

During that time Rangavva started acting as his wife. Realising her folly, she returned to her husband. 

I do not think that she loved me and developed a relationship with me. She came close to me only with a feeling of envy. 

When I was afraid to satisfy her, she threatened that I should imagine what my fate would be if she reported to her husband, my chief, that I tried to seduce her. 

In that way the lady of the house made me close to herself. 

I could learn within a short time why the chief disliked her. The lady had the same defect my wife had. The lady took nearly two years to make herself acceptable to her husband.

I could tell the lady a way out but did not guess that it would create problems to Rangavva later. The chief gradually grew cool towards Rangavva. Perhaps a person's enthusiasm cools down after he fulfils his desire…….. 

The love a man has for a woman before he realises his desire, will not be in the same measure once he wins her favour. 

If the love has to sustain, a man must possess a great lot of culture of the mind. So long as a man entertains the feeling that he triumphed over his woman, his marriage and life with her may not run smoothly. 

There is only the egoistic pleasure that he won but not true love for the woman whom he loved. 

Perhaps the reason why love marriages fail is because of the fact that the man loves his triumph more than the object of his triumph - his wife. True love does not proclaim that 'I loved that woman'. If you boast that you could trap the woman it means that you loved not the girl but your talent in winning her.

That is the reason why, I think, Rajeswara Rao chief never boasted about Rangavva. He never kept quiet if anyone spoke ill of her. I too did not feel anytime that I should proclaim that I was close to Rangavva. 

I used to feel that I would be insulting and dishonouring Rangavva if I boasted about my relationship with her. 

I tell this only to you about her and for the first time too. If love is carefully hidden in the heart how much stimulation it gives! 

But the stimulation gets diluted and loses its spirit if I proclaim that this stimulation was usual and habitual with me ………… 

Rajaiah loved Rangavva with all his heart ……. 

In course of time he got deeply involved in thinking she was one with him. He never spoke ill of her and never tolerated others speaking ill of her.

How much Rangavva helped me in bettering my life! ………. "You are not the person to live in these villages…..you are an innocent person… why don't you study well and like the chief's brother become a teacher in the city?" 

Rangavva used to ask me. I am not related to her in any way. I did not help her financially also. But yet she had great love for me. She had love for my wife also. She used to bring personally to my house eats and seasonal vegetables, or she would send them through her husband… All this because I was teaching her son.

I used to feel bad for not being able to teach in the school. I was pained that poor children were not able to gain knowledge. But I had no courage to oppose the chief. It was also not possible to work in the village having been born in Jagityala. Yet my spirit used to revolt. 

I could not reconcile myself fully like Rangavva. 

After some time I got myself transferred from that place. It was dangerous if the chief came to know that I managed to get the shift. He would ask "what is it you lack here?" 

He would feel that he had been insulted… If he decided, he could get me ousted from service. I made him believe that I was transferred because I was working there for a long time.

I did not give up my association with the chief. He used to take me along with him on his work. In that manner my connection with Ratnavva also continued. When I had union with Rangavva I used to feel a new energy running into my veins. No one found fault with our relationships calling it prostitution. No one discussed it as a problem at all. 

The entire village behaved as if all that was very natural. That made me feel astonished. 

How many illegal relationships were there in that village! There was no one who had not an illegal connection in that village. That is the reason why I am not telling you the name of that village. The attitudes then were different from now. The society then was different. No one considered such relationships wrong.

In olden days there were not many restrictions. Until the advent of cinemas no one attributed so much sacredness to the mangalasutra and its greatness or to chastity and fidelity. In those days the puranic epics were presented like stage plays. The characters indulged in jokes on sex. 

But of course they were attributed to heavenly beings, gods and goddesses. 

One day a very interesting episode took place. I cannot but laugh remembering it. One night the play "Pramelarjuneeyam" was being presented by the wandering street players. 

The story of Prameela is called Allirani story by the villages. Rajeswara Rao wanted stubbornly the woman who played Allirani to be sent to him in that costume. 

Somehow after great persuasion she was sent into his bedroom. Rajeswara Rao chief was fully drunk and was in a stupor. Allirani also could not control herself with the advances made by the chief. The stage team escaped and ran away from the village the same night. 

The interesting part of this episode was that the person who played the role of Allirani was a man, a young and energetic fellow. This funny story of the play was on the lips of the villagers for many, many years and generations. But no one talked of it in the presence of the chief.

The chief saw to it that bus service facility was not made available for the village. He prevented a road being laid. But he got power supply to his house and also a telephone. 

He tried to stop the opening of a school but could not succeed. Perhaps he thought that the teachers will be of help to him. 

Now the school has grown and there are four teachers. 

Sangampedda Linga Reddy came into limelight on the model of the chief. Linga Reddy had an eye on Rangavva and was waiting for an opportunity to possess her. 

Annalu, Naxalites came existence. They established their Sanghams. Rajeswara Rao lost his hegimany. With the chief losing some importance, Linga Reddy tried to call for the Panchayati against Rangavva. 

Rangavva learnt of this and went to him dressed well. He was in his field. He did not expect that Rangavva would yield to him so soon. 

He was over-joyed. 

After he had satisfied his passion she came away abusing him harshly. 

Do you know what she said to him, Lakshmi? "Are you really a man? Is this all you can do? I expected a great lot of enjoyment from you. 

Linga Reddy! Heed my word. Don't think I am a prostitute. 

I too have a heart. If you like me with all your heart I have no objection. If you try to arrange a Panchayati to bend me to yield to you calling me a prostitute and a whore I will urinate in your mouth. I'll make you lick my arse," threatened Rangavva. 

With that Linga Reddy came to his senses and his pride as the chief after Rajeswara Rao lost its sheen of authority. He acted as a cat before Rangavva. 

She kept up good relations with him. 

But she informed to 'annalu, naxals' all about him. Linga Reddy committed a few other follies like this and the party broke one of his legs and threw him out of the party.

Rangavva could not get rid of the connection with 'annalu' because of Linga Reddy. She did a lot of service to the party and the movement. When she learnt that they wanted to do away with his life she informed him about it. 

He ran away and escaped death. Rangavva did not misuse the regard he and others had for her. In the old chief's house, when Ratnavva had left him and went away to her parents, Rangavva acted as the mistress of the chief but never once proclaimed proudly that she was the queen of the house. She behaved as a servant maid and not as the lady of the house.

Srinivas, Rangavva's son, joined hands with 'annalu'. I used to feel sad for him whenever I met him. If I had given him education in the proper manner he would have studied well and would have got a job. He could not get educated as I spent time drinking toddy and knocking about gossiping. 

He settled as a farm hand. 

After some time he started cultivating the chief's land on lease. If he could get that land he could overcome his problems. Why should his mother go to the chief? His mother had go to the chief because he was wealthy. 

Srinivas was placed in a peculiar situation. Sometimes he felt proud that the blood of the chief was running in his veins. For the same reason he used to feel depressed that his blood was polluted. 

He would feel agonised that his existence was a miserable one. 

It is difficult to divine how deeply his mother loved him. Srinivas did not doubt the love his mother had for him and his father. 

But he was in a dilemma as to how he should understand his mother. Time saved the situation for him. 

All the chiefs, doras convened a meeting one day and decided to thrash all unwanted elements with the help of goondas. 

Rangavva had a scent of this plan and brought Srinivas to my house on some pretext. 

She requested me to keep her son with me for some days as he was in need of medical help. How could I lose the chance of helping Rangavva when I got an opportunity? 

Srinivas came to know of the help his mother rendered him after about fifteen days. From then on he stopped suspecting his mother's character and her individuality. He realised that his mother was a unique being. He decided never to cause pain to his mother.

In order to safeguard his determination he had to change the course of his life. The party branded his mother as an informer and wanted him to sever his connections with his mother. How to break off with his mother who had loved him so deeply? Once he says 'no' to his mother, her heart would break. 

His mother had done no harm to anyone at any time. She had served the movement also. 

Srinivas broke down questioning 'annalu' how they could brand her an informer having been fed by her and having themselves called her 'mother'. As they did not change in spite of his appeals, he left the party remaining as a sympathiser.

Rangavva is alive. Srinivas could not face the restrictions in the village and left it. After some time both the parents left the village in search of him and went round places. Not finding him anywhere they settled down in Jagityala. 

Srinivas is running a machine shop. 

Rangavva celebrated his marriage. 

I learnt that Rajeswar Rao helped Rangavva financially for his marriage and also for opening a mechanic shop. 

Rajeswar Rao is now the main partner in a big courier company. He lives in the city. His son looks after the company. 

Rangavva keeps going there even now. His son does not like to see her there. Ratnavva tries to convince him saying Rangavva was his mother's younger sister. 

She was anxious to tell him that Rangavva was the great woman who saved him and his father, that he should not fret and fume at her presence and treat her contemptuously. 

She wants to tell him that if Rangavva feels hurt they would suffer. 

But her son would not understand all these aspects. He is a man of money who believes that if tempted with money the monkey on the mountain would also climb down. 

Ratnavva's son, Chandrakantha Rao was of that nature. So Ratnavva could not speak her mind to her son.

Lakshmi! The world knows about men who had managed three wives. That is an affair which is known openly to all. The man also used to feel proud that he was the husband of three wives and proclaimed it to all. 

But Rangavva never boasted like that. Nor did she feel proud of the fact. Neither did she feel sorry for it. 

Rangavva took every defeat as her triumph. Perhaps this statement by me is not correct. Because if we consider the entry of 'other' persons into her life as a defeat, I would have spoken a lie that she lived a life of chastity and respected fidelity. 

I feel that those who respect chastity and fidelity suffer in their lives. They take such occasions as insults on their character. But she never felt so at any time. 

Who do you think helped my wife when her uterus was removed surgically? 

It was Rangavva. 

Rangavva is the queen of my heart even today. I am revealing my mind to you for the first time after so long an acquaintance. But Rangavva did not proclaim to the world that she loved all her three husbands whole heartedly. She cannot say it in words. She did not say it also.

Lakshmi! It is not just Rangavva alone… Many women….. loved the men that came into their lives with all their hearts. But their history was not recorded anywhere. Once, long ago…. Like Droupadi who lived with five husbands… such women were described as 'muthaiduvas'. 

Such a situation was known as 'Aidavathanamu' in Telugu - which meant that the wife could manage all her five husbands satisfying every husband and managed the family without the husbands falling out with each other. Someone told me about this meaning. 

If the truth of this interpretation is to be known we have to go back to the culture of Mesopotamia and tie it down with Mysamma and Pochamma* and delve deep into the Indus Valley Civilisation.

I think that the concept of one man, one wife, 'our' children, chastity and fidelity came into being after the joint family broke up and individual families came into being. Before all this it was a culture confined to royal families and ruling classes. Because in those days the idea that their own children should enjoy the property and the kingdom was prevalent. 

The common people did not enjoy much wealth or property. There were no deep aspirations also. Each community or caste lived a life of true love and these bonds connecting them together. It will be an insult to history to call the old word “relationships” as prostitution and illicit living applying the present day definition. That was the social attitude then.

In olden days if a guest arrived, he was provided with all comforts including the lady of the house. We should look at those traditions through the eyes of the present day attitudes. Perhaps these traditions were followed in order to inculcate the feeling that nothing belonged to the kings as 'mine' and 'me' and to make him lead a selfless life. 

So in those days men performed yagas and vratams and gave their wife as a 'dana', as a gift. But Satyabhama gave her husband Lord Sri Krishna as 'dana' to someone else. As a matter of fact that 'dana' should have been given to a woman. 

In those days any person who was called a Somayaji used to gift his wife to a man. You know something about our Sankranthi and Kanumu festivals. They belong to this category. The blouses of all women were heaped at a place and the person used to have a gay time with the owner of the blouse picked up by him. That is the festival called Kanumu.

Thinking of all this we feel that the situation is far better now. The idea of ‘woman's property’ is strong now. You have a job now. You have the freedom to choose your gender. 

Did Rangavva enjoy the freedom to choose her gender? More than Rangavva, Ratnavva and my wife...... Your life is far brighter when compared with them.........

Perhaps with the advent of the middle class woman who depended on her husband's earnings, the concepts of chastity and one husband gained great value. You are now observing the results - dowries, dowry deaths, pouring kerosene on the woman who shared her body and heart and setting her aflame…. oh how cruel all this sounds, Lakshmi! The middle class woman desires now her slavery and death in the name of safety for her life.

Lakshmi! I placed before you some of my experiences. I appeal to you not to reveal this to others as the persons about whom I have told you are all alive. 

Do you want to meet Rangavva? She lives in this place. 

If you want to meet Ratnavva, I will take you to the city, Read their lives. Read about the villages. Take out the history of women's lib movement. 

Why rack your brains about the theories of foreign countries? You can just sit in the library here and feel that you have known everything! that you can frighten others!

Lakshmi…. Your question is clear enough. The answer is not clear with me. It is but proper that you should decide about your life. Your present life is far better and brighter than the lives of those of the earlier times. 

If you understand the relationship between desire, satisfaction and dissatisfaction, your question will not be a point of discussion at all. It is your desire that makes you move forward. When your desire gets destroyed, you will not get destroyed. Your sex and freedom for sexual desires will also disappear. If you suppress your desires they do not perish. The desire grows. Desire subsides when it is satisfied.

You are placed in a far better situation than me. I was already married by the time I developed desire. By the time I satisfied my desire my life almost ended. 

You are now in a far better position to solve both things being in youth… what you told me was about the son and daughter of Rangavva. 

That boy is Rangavva's grandson. The C.K. Rao about whom you spoke is Ratnavva's son, Chandrakantha Rao. That is the matter… why do you smile and walk away without saying anything….? Keep teleporting to me now and then……."