Dear Ramesh!

We discussed many things the other day till late in the night. After you left, I began to think. New thoughts came up. How trickish life is! Life thinks differently from our thoughts. Not only in my case, things happening in your life also reveal how strong and powerful social conditions are. We congratulate you on your decision to give a new shape to your life with determination. We compliment you on speaking your mind without hesitation to think of marriage again at your age, whatever people may say. The woman who enters into your life at your age must be able to mix freely with the members of your family and friends and not remain only as a companion. This marriage should give her also a new life. It is not difficult for cultured people like you to find a wife, particularly to men like you. But for women who lost their husbands it is difficult to get a man. Your decision to give to such a woman a place in your life reveals your understanding of life.

…………….. Before you come to a decision it is my responsibility to give you an idea of their lifestyle. I am placing before you the details you wanted as also their entire life. I thought this was necessary for you to give deep thought, get ready mentally and take a decision. I await your reply.

Yours,

Vidyadhara Rao.

~*~

Ramesh garu, I will commence their story from the beginning. His name is Ashayya. You might have seen him. He wears the dhoti above his knees and puts on a white vest. He used to walk about in fields singing songs. He would eat the cold rice he had brought sitting under a tree, drink water from the step-well and collect in his basket dried cow dung for making cakes.

You might have seen his wife's sister Saravva also. She would find some excuse to go to the place where her brother-in-law takes his bath. Ashayya would not feel satisfied unless he dived into the barber's well under the mango tree and swim in it. When he dived into the well from above his loin cloth would fly off his body in the breeze.

"Ptch! Brother-in-law has no shyness!" Saravva would shout on such occasions having seen his nakedness "I lost all shyness when my mother washed my bottom when I was a little boy", he would say and dive again into the well.

He would make fun of her saying "What else will she do, one who cannot swim?" Saravva had a lot of self-respect and pride. "Is it only you who could swim? I learnt it long ago" she would say, tie up her short skirt above her knees and jump into the step-well. Her skirt would open up like an umbrella and expose her thighs which had no undergarment.

"What happened to your shyness, you girl…." Asayya would say clapping. "My shyness too left me when I was a child" she would say, dive into the water, pinch his thigh and run away. She would then fill her mouth with water and spray it on him. He would then splash water on her with his hands. Those who had gone to the well for a bath would look at the two and laugh at them. Then Saravva would quietly leave the place with an innocent face.

As they grew in age their hearts came closer, but the distance increased physically between them. Saravva hesitated lonely meetings with him. But in the company of others, she freely indulged in her tricks. She could not compete with him in studies and stopped at the seventh class. Her responsibilities at home increased, putting an end to her studies. Ashayya continued his studies while doing all the work he had to perform. He too had his problems and his studies stopped now and then but started again.

Ashayya's father was working as a farm hand with the Patel Ram Reddy. When Ashayya went to the Patel's house along with his father, the young man was entrusted with some work. The Patel did not like Ashayya to be the classmate of his daughter Malathi in the school. He tried to stop away the studies of Ashayya in the fifth class and take him into his work to take care of his cattle. But his father was keen on educating his son.

When Ashayya came up to the ninth class he had to stop his studies. One year passed and Ashayya pestered his parents saying he would study. He was afraid that his studies would not progress if he continued to live in the village. He collected his caste certificate, went to the taluq centre and got admitted in the social welfare hostel. He fell one year behind Malathi in studies.

Ashayya passed the tenth class in the supplementary exam and joined the Intermediate course. By then Malathi was ahead of him by two years. His friends too had failed twice and joined him in the college which gave him some consolation.

As Ashayya failed in the Inter exams. Saravva's father Pochalu suggested that he should marry and Ashayya liked the idea very much. But his father opposed it saying he cannot feed two mouths. Ashayya got disappointed but managed to pass Intermediate and got admitted in the degree college. By then Malathi completed her degree course.

Ashayya used to meet Malathi to take old books from her. Patel Ram Reddy did not like Ashayya meeting his daughter. So Ashayya went to the Patel's house in his absence. Malathi entertained mischievous thoughts and wanted to tease Ashayya when they were alone and did so with his body and mind in the presence of Saravva.

Since their childhood Malathi had no respect for Ashayya. She looked down on him as the son of their farm hand. She learnt swimming from Ashayya saying that Saravva was teaching her how to swim. In the presence of Saravva Malathi used to treat Ashayya as the son of their farm hand.

Though Ashayya was his nephew. Saravva's father Pochaiah tried to find a groom for his daughter. Her father was worried that if Ashayya refused to marry Saravva for some reason after his education. Where will he find a groom for his grown up girl? But Saravva kept refusing the matches that came her way. "Will you marry Ashayya?" her relatives asked her and she twisted her month.

"Is he only the one available for me to marry? He has no shyness and no manners. He bathes in the presence of women without his shirt on. He does not bother to turn aside when women pass him by as he answers his calls of nature. He does the same when he pisses. He has other habits which I cannot appreciate. I will not marry such a man "she would tell her relatives".

Ashayya had Saravva in his thoughts from his boyhood. When she collected her skirt or saree up her knee and got into work, men also could not match her. She was well-built and good looking. Once Ashayya pulled her by hand when there was none around. She twisted her mouth, looked daggers at him and left the place in a huff. Ashayya was afraid that she would report it to his parents. But she did not reveal it to anyone. Nor did she stop acting as the go-between between Ashayya and Malathi.

Once the three went to the fields. Saravva left them both under a tree and went away. Malathi treated Ashayya with contempt and he got confused and felt shy. She later had her way with him at home, when alone, and started playing with him as she liked.

Saravva who should have been Ashayya's wife, acted as the go-between and guarded them from taunts from others. She did not reveal to anyone her agony as she was growing in age. She was given to a stranger in marriage. She neither rejected nor accepted the offer. She was married to one Venkataiah who was in a similar situation like Saravva.

Ashayya continued his studies. Saravva had two children. Alliances were being considered for Malathi. In the meanwhile, she completed M.A. and also B.Ed.,

Ashayya got involved in student union activities. He could manage to get into different courses for the sake of scholarship. He was worried that his time was being wasted in student union activities when he was inclined to study well. But the temptation of the respect student politics gave him could not keep him away from such activities.

His marriage with Lakshmi was celebrated in the year he secured a job. Malathi also secured a job and she too got married. Her husband Raja Reddy was a Sub-Inspector of police

Malathi's father Ram Reddy left his village and settled down in the taluk headquarters. His son, Malathi's brother, was made a toddy contractor as he went on failing in his intermediate. Saravva's husband stopped going to his wife. It was said he joined the Naxals.

On the plea of searching for Venkataiah, Raja Reddy raped Saravva along with other constables. This action created panic in the village. Saravva took her children away to her mother's place.

Malathi could not reconcile to the fact that her husband raped Saravva. Her reaction turned mechanical towards him. He symbolised a blood-stained sickle. His strong grip made her feel she was herself being raped. The feeling continued. Whenever she remembered the days, she spent with Ashayya in her early life freely and happily, she felt she had lost something now.

Saravva and Ashayya visited Malathi's house learning that Raja Reddy had arrested Venkataiah. Raja Reddy felt inconvenient when he learnt that his wife Malathi and Saravva were friends. But he could not help as he said the case had gone to the superiors. Venkataiah was jailed. Malathi could only see that Venkataiah was not snuffed out.

Raja Reddy wanted Malathi to give up her job, but she refused. Ashayya was encouraging his wife Lakshmi to pass exams and work. Ashayya wanted Saravva also to study and she would say it was not possible with her children and her coolie work. "Educated as you are, if you had married me, I wouldn't have faced these difficulties," she would say with a sad smile.

He was tempted to ask her whether she would agree to live with him but kept quiet as her husband was a Naxalite. She could understand the feelings of Ashayya and would answer him with her eyes. "Even if we live together. I would not be your wife. Why think of it then?" she would ask.

Malathi who went to her brother's house for delivery sent for Ashayya. Ram Reddy, her father, was not that haughty now but had not lost his foxy looks. He would talk nicely to Ashayya. "I will sell two acres of my land. Why don't you buy them?" he would ask smiling. Ashayya could not guess what the words meant. The old man would again say "It will help your younger brother to live happily." Ashayya's brother stopped his studies with ninth class and settled as a mason. Saravva's younger sister was given in marriage to him. Narayana was able to live a decent life of course. Though the suggestion made by Ram Reddy was good the Naxals were obstructing buying or selling the land. Ashayya was happy at the prospect of making a part of the land their own which was taken care of by his father throughout his life. If only the transaction took place, he would get the satisfaction of having bought Ram Reddy himself. But he was not sure what share he would get out of it and he postponed the entire issue not willing to get involved with the naxalites.

Malathi opened up her heart to Ashayya when there was no one around. "I want to divorce my husband. I can't get on with him any longer." Ashayya was shocked beyond words. Would she ask him to marry her? Who would invite problems from the police? If he married her will not Raja Reddy shoot him down as he would a bird and call it an 'encounter'? What about Malathi's child to be born? What about his life? What about society? Ashayya was very much confused and worried.

Malathi looked directly into Ashayya's eyes. She missed the innocence of the earlier times in his eyes. She saw the man in him now. In earlier days she did not find that quality in him. She loved the womanliness in him. In those days she was the manly woman. He was the woman. That was their relationship then. Now she did not see the woman she wanted in his eyes. He was now a man like all men. His job and his experience in life gave him back self-confidence which his caste had usurped. Now he is a manly man. Malathi could not easily accept this change in him. What she had desired from Ashayya was not this manliness. He was no longer the Ashayya of the olden days. She decided that she did not need him any longer. But her heart had given way and the words blurted out.

"Why do you think so? Though your husband earns a little less salary than you, he enjoys a better status in life than you. Money is in plenty, comfort is great." He thought that her husband was stronger than himself but did not express it. But he stressed the last part of his sentence spoken by him.

"Do you think Saravva enjoyed being raped by him? Was it happiness?" Malathi shouted, forgetting herself and her desire to change the topic.

Ashayya startled at Malathi's outburst and looked round wondering whether anyone was near them. He tried to console her, but she broke down sobbing when he tried to pacify her.

"Ashayya, I want to call you again 'arai'. I feel that I should have my Asigadu of the earlier times. I thought then of using you for my purpose but now I realise that it was true love. My caste did not permit me to say this to you in those days. Can you become again my Asiga of olden days? I will keep away from my husband, or I will try to adjust somehow for your sake. I want to give birth to your son. I want my Asigadu of the past. I want those happy and mischievous experiences."

Asigadu experienced passion as well as fear. He sweated. Her remembered the injustice he did to Saravva while he enjoyed life with Malathi. He wondered how much Saravva must have suffered without support from him while Malathi who had everything was herself feeling disappointed and experiencing sorrow. He had done great wrong to Saravva in his innocence and half knowledge. Did he get attracted by Malathi's caste? Did he yield because of her status and job? Or did he love Malathi truly? If he loved Malathi with all his heart, what about Saravva? Ashayya fell into depression and agony again.

"Why did you come to this conclusion at all? Perhaps it may give happiness if one recollected past actions as mere memories of the days of innocence" said Ashayya who had reconciled himself to circumstances.

"Shall I tell you the truth? In the early days of marriage, I used to see you in him. I even thought that you were him. But he could not replace you. His individuality was of a different kind. I do not see you in him any longer. Hearing about the tortures he subjected to those in the police lock-up, I was afraid that he would put me also to similar torture if he knew about us. On hearing his sexual assaults on women, I felt he was a dog that relished leftovers. I also felt that my body had lost its sanctity because of his promiscuity. Whenever we had union all his women used to be recollected by me. I felt I was also being raped. As a matter of fact, those few minutes with him are happy moments indeed. But the feeling does not last long. I cannot live with him."

Ashayya began to wonder for the first time how he would feel if his wife Lakshmi had pre-marital relationship with other men just as Malathi had with him. That thought made him feel confused and worried. He realized that his entertaining hopes on Saravva and Malathi was wrong.

Was his latest thinking messed up? He was thinking that he had done wrong only to feel that his wife was chaste. If he accepted that his wife too might have had similar love affairs like him, then he had done no wrong. His present craving was also not wrong. Was anyone taking a dig at him? Was he seeking their bodies in the name of love?

He was not being deceived by his mind. His heart knew that he loved all the three. But will society accept this? Will he be able to believe or accept the idea if Lakshmi, his wife, tells him that she was in love with three men with equal passion like Droupadi? If he believed in her words, can he accept her as his wife?

Malathi was delivered by her daughter. She stayed in her mother's house giving some excuses. Ram Reddy was pestering Ashayya to buy his land, but his brother Narayana was with the Naxalites. Ashayya took up the propagation of Ambedkar Associations. His wife Lakshmi was working in a private school.

The raids of the police on the house of Saravva commenced with the release of Venkataiah from the jail. Venkataiah gradually distanced himself from the party. Saravva shivered at the sight of the police recollecting the tortures and rape by them. She said that they should leave the village and Venkataiah agreed. After they took shelter in the Taluka centre, Raja Reddy located them. Saravva yielded to him. But when he lost face among the police personnel for Saravva being his mistress, he left her. Venkataiah was happy at Raja Reddy's riddance but a head-constable who had taken part in the rape started black-mailing them. Venkataiah used to flee from his house when the constable visited the house, afraid of his life and the tortures. Saravva's life became one of extreme misery as another policeman also joined the head constable. They took her to many places and closed the doors on her with strangers inside. Not able to face these atrocities she threw her children into a well and jumped into it herself. The children died but she survived. She was put in jail after she recovered.

In the jail, a woman Naxalite and a killer woman who had murdered her husband not being able to undergo the torture of her in-laws, were her companions. Venkataiah did not try to obtain bail for his wife. He did not realize that his wife had to suffer because of him. On the other hand, he started blaming her saying that she had two children by Ashayya before her marriage with him.

Saravva grew numb hearing the accusation. The two other inmates of the jail tried to console her. She had loved Venkataiah with all her heart. Sharada, the Naxalite prisoner revealed that she was arrested and jailed because she refused the advances of a particular person. She wanted that the three of them should join the party and see the end of that person, without being afraid of men whoever they were.

Suseela who killed her husband, laughed at Sharada's narration of the torture by the police. The torture she had undergone at the hands of her in-laws was worse. If an enemy hits us, we become stone-hearted and forget the beatings. If the man to whom one has given one's heart beats, the heart gets hurt. The enemy can only torture the body but not the heart. But the situation is different when it is the man himself to whom one has given the heart. To Sharada this revelation sounded strange as she had been brought up with great love. Saravva reacted with a sad smile as she had known both kinds of torture.

Ashayya tried to bail out Saravva on the advice of his friends. "What should I do to come out of the jail?" asked Sarvva point blank.

Saravva was  all alone in the world now Her husband, whom she loved with loyalty, destroyed her life. She had killed her children to whom she had given birth. She had no support anywhere. The more Ashayya tried to console her, the more she cried.

"It is education that distanced you from me. If you had given up studies, we would have married. If I had been a little educated, we would have been married. If I had been educated, would you have been attracted towards Malathi?" sobbed Saravva.

It was not clear to Ashayya whether his closeness with Malathi was because of education. Or was it only Saravva's assessment? He asked Saravva to write to him now and then and left some money in her account in the jail.

Saravva told him that she would study in the jail.

Her jail mates complimented Saravva for her question. They thought that Ashayya might have planned a love affair with her as he had asked her to stay with Malathi.

Raja Reddy decided to marry again after divorcing Malathi. Malathi wanted to meet the girl who was going to marry Raja Reddy. If she met the bride, naturally she might speak out the truth about her husband and thus destroy the girl's happiness. She dismissed the idea of attending the marriage also because it may create problems in the marriage pandal.

The past will have its influence on our lives without reference to the present. The past of Saravva was haunting her present. Ram Reddy had thought that he could command his future, but his past was haunting him now. He was not in a position to guide his son or daughter to lead a particular kind of life. He now became a refugee, living here and there, avoiding the Naxals. His son was doing toddy business, and he was afraid that he would be attacked if his father was with him. He saw to it that his father did not stay with him by inventing stories. Ram Reddy was afraid of Narayana, Ashayya's younger brother. The old man had distributed dreams thinking that Narayana joined the Naxals to take revenge on him.

But Narayana did not create problems for Ram Reddy and lived away from him. After he left the Naxals he had to take part in politics as his relations on both sides did not allow him to remain idle. He got elected as a sarpanch. The party did not like it. Narayana wanted to break the family history of Ram Reddy becoming Sarpanchs one after the other. His past good record, even with the Naxals, helped Narayana. But the past of Venkataiah made him run away to Arab countries. But the past of Saravva branded her as a prostitute in the present.

Ashayya was pained at Malathi's lonely life with her daughter, though she was economically independent. He felt guilty that because of him she had to lead such a life. But in the case of Saravva, the society punished her cruelly and tortured her for mistakes she had not committed.

Just as he washed himself clean of his caste to some extent, could he not clean the consequences which resulted from his caste? Narayana, his brother, could mould his past to favour him in the present. Could it be possible for Saravva to bring about such a change? Was it possible for him also to achieve it?

A life devoid of the quality of forgiveness turns a man into a mean person and makes him cruel. A society that cannot forgive a person who had converted himself into a pious man having been burnished with the flame of repentance and wants to lead a new life, is a cruel society. If society acts in the opposite way the person would feel that repenting itself was bad. 

There are no new lives available somewhere for man. Forgiveness and repentance create new lives. If there is a chance for those who erred in life knowingly or unknowingly to start a new life, the people and the society and human relations grow to great heights of human glory. Saravva, Sharada and Suseela will lead a glorious life of rebirth if the society gives them a chance to reconstruct their lives? How many men come forward to help their lives. 

How many men come forward to help them achieve their goal? It is easy to talk about ideals. When it comes to putting in practice personally the ideals, their gilt-covered lives will be exposed. For the three women mentioned above an idle life of gossip and easy food was quite new. The jail appeared to them like paradise. 

It was a life of glorious achievement for them. Who knows how much jail life changed and moulded their individuality and personalities? Perhaps a wonderful chapter of a new society was being written by them in the book of their lives in the jail.

Ashayya's new experiences were of a different nature. Saravva, Sharada and Suseela had to win back their lives. But Ashayya was feeling dissatisfied with the life he had won and what he had achieved. As he toured places establishing Ambedkar Associations and agencies to fight for citizens' rights, he was subjected to dejection and disappointment. He felt that the people around him lived a life which did not belong to them just as his own life was not the one that belonged to him. People were craving a new life. 

What were the forces that were obstructing the chances to the society to improve – was it selfishness? caste? economics? A culture that did not like change? Or the habits to which lives had got used to? Was it the governmental machine? Was it the party in power and bureaucracy? Or did all these work together? It was a confusing picture for him.

How happy was childhood! How exciting was the period of boyhood when nothing was known with any clarity! Will happiness evaporate as experience grows? Knowledge of things does not allow the enjoyment of happiness. It grows into ego and haunts a person like a shadow. A little knowledge creates ambition as big as a mountain. Ambition changes into disappointment and creates dejection. 

Disappointment, which denies ambition, makes life heavy, as heavy as a mountain. It shrinks and converts the youthful stimulation into old age blues. For dalit women like Saravva the karma theory gave them only unqualified disappointment. For higher castes it gave hopeful disappointment. Ashayya got into the second category of people. The life of Saravva and Suseela in the jail provided them with disappointment which had no hope. The sap in their lives got dried up, lacking the fertile soil called forgiveness and mercy and ended up their lives in a dry sand bed.

Despair is like a woman in advanced pregnancy. One should know how to enjoy the experience even in despondency like a pregnant woman. It gives birth to a new life. It gives rise to new happiness. Hope is an imagination. Hope: it is beautiful. Disappointment is a fact. Disappointment proceeds towards imagination from fact and reveals how imagination cannot be accepted as a fact. Hope reveals the path for the forward movement. Disappointment reveals the distance of the goal. Hope reveals the aim or target to be reached. 

Disappointment reveals the condition of the inability to reach the target. Disappointment removes the haughtiness involved in reaching the target. It commences the ideal of higher target of life again. The three women discussed among themselves many such propositions……… haven't many books that enlighten minds been written from jails by prisoners! 

It is only in a jail one finds the time, concentration and freedom to delve deep into the layers of society, the three women thought. Ashayya did not know that the three women were thinking over matters in the jail which he was himself thinking by being in the outside world. The court disappointed Saravva's desire to live a free and happy life in the jail by releasing her for want of evidence. Sharada also was bailed out by some unknown members of her party, by standing surety. She too moved into the common flow of life. Suseela who first rejected the surety offered by her father, accepted it and came out of jail.

The three women had made an accord that they should live together once they came out of the jail. They wanted to work as a team. Having faced the bossism of men, they wanted to establish a women's association. 

They wanted to dedicate themselves to the society creating a new awareness like the Buddist bikhus of the olden days. But once they came out, their pious resolutions could not be put into practice. Saravva and Suseela went back to their lives. Though they had said 'yes' to Sharada in the jail to her proposal while in confinement, they realized soon that their typical love of life would not leave them free so quickly.

Saravva who wanted to put an end to her life by jumping into a well was now a changed woman. The influence of Sharada made Saravva to join the 'dalam' and die again for it. She felt that it was far better to die for a cause than just die for nothing. But now she differed from the very idea of dying – cause or no cause. Why should she die at all. Hope- disappointment - target - goal - the discussion on these and higher values made her love life than love death.

Those who have been defeated in life may get ready to die with a feeling of scorn and a feeling of self-sacrifice. If new hopes and aims  assure the winning back of life - then do such people love life having decided to die or do they love death in the form of disappointment and indifference? Do the people belong to this stage - those who come prepared to sacrifice their life, work for some time and then leave. 

If that is the case will people retreat from the 'dalam' once the restrictions are removed? Will not this recruitment go on if there are no restrictions? Sharada started entertaining these doubts after she met Saravva and Suseela. She put before the party her doubts hesitatingly. They laughed her doubts away and wanted to know whether she too wanted to leave them and lead her life like Saravva and Suseela. She was hurt to the quick when they ridiculed her. She realized that there would be peace and respect if some ideas were not spoken out. So she took to silence. But she knew that there was some truth hidden in Saravva's contention.

Saravva started thinking of her future life as if moving from her in-laws, village to her sister's, then to Malathi's, and later to Suseela's and to Ashayya's houses. Why should not women lead the life of a Buddist bickshus and Sanyasins without hopes and disappiontments, without marriage and children? 

Ashayya said that if women turn into Buddist bikshus mankind will perish. Was this argument not defective? Why should women marry? Why should they give birth to children? Why should they give joy to men? What the society needs now is the new Buddist revolution as Ambedkar had declared. Ashayya agreed with this contention along with Malathi. But he differed from their idea that this revolution was possible through the association of women Buddist bikhus, from the angle of women's liberation movement. When they said that he would have known what it was if he had been born a woman, he bowed his head with a smile accepting his defeat. So these two women took Suseela in Ashayya's place. The threesome used to meet and discuss among themselves different aspects and points. Those questions drew Ashayya also into the discussion.

But now why should they be living at all? Malathi has to live looking after her daughter. They two do not have that opportunity now. Anyway, what does life mean? Do they know life? Should women's lives be like theirs in general? In the jail they created for themselves a new society, a new life. How good would it be if they could commence their noble life in the present society?

"Then we have to leave the old known society and commence an unknown new society at a different place. How is it possible for a woman like me who has a job? I will lose my service seniority. The financial problems will pull us down in the new place. It is difficult to earn such a decent salary in a new place, explained Malathi. "It is a wonderful chance for women like you who do not have a secure life," concluded Malathi.

"Why should I enter into a new society at all? That is what Sharada also said - about going into a new society called the party and changing the old society into the new one. I oppose this. Why should I go into a new society? Why should we not try to change the same society by leading a new life being in the old society? Why should society not change in this manner? I do not know how the new society will accept a woman like me who has none to support her," said Saravva.

"If we had commenced our new life from our childhood itself, I wonder how it would have shaped itself," philosophised Ashayya.

"Then would you have married Saravva or Malathi?" asked Suseela a direct question.

Ashayya got confused. The difficulties of the past look beautiful when remembered. If they face the same difficulties again - "I don't want those difficulties. I don't want that childhood" that is what many would say. Saravva smiled at Ashayya. Saravva there, Malathi here and then Lakshmi - Ashayya was not able to decide and felt confused. Saravva laughed heartly at his discomfiture. She laughed and laughed. "Even if we start afresh from our childhood, our lives will be no different". Malathi said in all seriousness.

"Why do you say so?" asked Ashayya surprised. He was happy that the question of whom he would have married got side-stepped. Malathi observed this and said, "because this society has not changed, we cannot but play our parts. In the society in which we live in the present circumstances none of us can act differently. It is impossible. For example, if you had married Saravva, in the family struggle you would not have been able to continue your studies. Even if I had eloped with you, your studies would have terminated. You would have sold all my jewels and finally would have accused me of saying I had brought you all the problems. You would have been doing some odd jobs," said Malathi.

One day Saravva went to meet Malathi and saw Ashayya there. She thought that she had gone there at the wrong time and turned back. Malathi observed this and brought back Saravva scolding her that she should not have suspected her. Malathi managed the situation with skill and the three got into the old spirit. They joked with old memories. Suseela joined them a little later.

"Whatever you say, don't you agree that I sacrificed in giving you  away my bava!" said Saravva smiling but in all seriousness.

The feeling that she sacrificed her life for bava and Malathi kept her going as an optimist. Malathi could not guess that Saravva's life would collapse if she knew that it was not true.

"Your caste and your economic condition did not permit you to pursue your studies. My caste did not allow me to elope with Ashayya. It was his education that brought you and me close to him and also distanced us. If your bava had not been so highly educated and grown in status, you would not have loved him so dearly. Even if you had loved him, you would have forgotten him as you could forget Venkataiah. Perhaps I do too. Ashayya's education and his job made us love him dearly and created a great problem for us. You had to sacrifice bava only because of the caste in which you were born. It was a social evil and necessity. The part played by your sacrifice in this case is very little. Even if you had not been there, by taking the help of some other woman, I would have loved your bava - think of it," concluded Malathi.

Saravva felt depressed with this contention. She fainted suddenly. She could not stand the theory explained by Malathi which at one harsh stroke uprooted the tree of her love. Malathi realized late that whether rightly or wrongly the feeling that she sacrificed herself for them both was keeping up Saravva's spirits. Suseela was shocked that Sharada's theory of sacrifice which gave new life to them should have been shattered in Saravva's case.

Faith is stronger than facts. Ashayya wondered that Saravva had such a delicate heart, who externally appeared stubborn. It was her self-respect that was keeping her alive though Saravva lost everything in life. Malathi destroyed that self-respect. Saravva suffered from pain in the stomach suddenly again.

She recovered after a week but could not smile happily as before. She could not look directly into Malathi's eyes. Malathi did not reveal to Saravva the information the lady doctor gave that there was some problem with the uterus of Saravva. The doctor expressed fear that it might turn out to be cancer. Saravva herself noticed that the white discharge which started in the jail was showing up as pain in the stomach which was growing. Saravva's old ideals and the old plans were blown away as in a storm. Though Malathi did not treat her as a servant maid, that was her position Saravva enjoyed in her house. She held on till she mastered tailoring and Saravva left for the place of her birth, to her sister whose husband was the Sarpanch.

Saravva lived carrying on the job of a tailor, playing and singing with the children forgetting her past. In the meanwhile, she was selected as an Anganwadi teacher. Her life got settled now and she started doing justice to her job as also to her profession of tailoring.

Suseela wrote to Saravva that a match was suggested for her and that the man had three children and had undergone vasectomy. Saravva met Suseela. Next day Sharada suddenly made her appearance there. The three had a nice time in the house of Suseela's relatives. Sharada told them that she had come there for some treatment. Her face was glowing and she looked healthy though she had thinned a little.

~*~

"Did you marry again?" asked Saravva. Malathi wondered how she could guess the possibility. She nodded in the affirmative with a smile. "I think he is a good man. What more do you want if you get a husband, who accepts your word? Is he highly educated and cultured?" asked Suseela complimenting Malathi.

"He is not an educated man. He belongs to the family of gonds. But as you said he obeys his wife and what else is wanted? He has a good heart, but the heart cannot speak..... By the by, shall I find a good husband for you also?" asked Sharada laughing heartily.

Saravva and Suseela kept silent for a few moments Sharada changed the topic and fell into gossip. "The party also felt unhappy for the injustice you suffered after I told them," said Sharada.

"Sharada, don't you know I cannot go in for college education like you? Our elders say we should search where we lost. I lost my life in my caste and village where I was born and bred. I will win back my life there," said Saravva.

"So, you want to say that you would be called the Mother Theresa of your place."

"Don't compare me with such great personalities. Malathi told me that the post of the Sarpanch of our village is being reserved for women. 'Why don't you win the favor and love of the people?’ she asked. I am giving thought to it.”

"You may win the hearts of the people and secure a job. But can you find a new husband?"

"My mind got disgusted with that thought. What little hopes I had, Malathi shattered them by telling facts. I am now living comfortably. People respect me and my life forgetting the past. I have nothing to do with forests and other places. Because I am trying to be the winner where I lost. You have lost nothing in your life. If you have any problems like that live with your friends and relatives in the same place as me and win back your life. I don't find a greater revolution than this including life. Because of your mercy, you know that I am no longer a coward."

Sharada could not keep up an argument with Saravva who was by far older than her. She knew the difficulties Saravva had gone through in life and the tears. There must be an iota of truth in her decision. Such was the respect she had for Saravva.

They were in conversation and suddenly Saravva twisted with severe pain in the stomach. She was taken to the doctor and after resting for a week Suseela took Saravva to Malathi's house and left her there. Four days later Sharada left.

Ashayya shed tears at Saravva's condition. Lakshmi, Ashayya's wife, invited Saravva to stay with them. "Let your regard for me remain so," said Saravva with tears in her eyes, though with a smile. "Elope with your bava, sister, I won't misunderstand you" joked Lakshmi to make light of the atmosphere. 'Shall we really elope,' Ashayya said for fun. His eyes were moist with tears.

Malathi objected Ashayya's words. "Even if she has no husband and manly help, she is happy with her individuality. She has proved how a woman can stand on her own legs and how we can triumph in our lives. Why do you talk as though we need your companionship and your support, as though a woman cannot live without male company.... Why do you say that you could elope now? Do you want to pull us down with your male superiority?" asked Malathi smiling.

Saravva looked at Malathi appreciatingly at her words. Suddenly Saravva fell unconscious with her pain in her stomach. When she regained her consciousness, she took Ashayya close to her whispering 'come to me once, bava,' and kissed him with all her heart shedding tears of joy.

"When you are all supporting me, what more do I want? This is enough for my life" she said, folding her hands looking at them all.

~*~

Saravva's uterus was surgically removed, and her life took a fresh start. In course of time there was a change in her name and surname. Now she is called 'Sarpanch Sarekka' with great love.

~*~

Ramesh garu! The Ashayya of this story is myself. If you marry Saravva you will be setting an ideal example for many. Saravva can take care of your children as her own children. If you marry Malathi she will quickly get adjusted to your life. If you marry Suseela, you would have made known that all men are not bad. Even though they had faced problems and had their experiences, their hearts are as clear as a white cloth. If you marry any one of them you would have made their lives also blossom forth. Myself and they await your decision.

Your, Vidyadhara Rao.     

Original Telugu published in Andhra Jyoti weekly, October 1997.