“When hopes and goals are too high, and they remain unfulfilled, it leads to despair and grief...! The hopelessness of not achieving anything breeds an inferiority complex! It sparks anger, irritation, frustration, and detachment. Consequently, we forget our past victories and look down upon them. One must respect what has been received. We should look back at those achievements, remember them, and find joy within ourselves. We must scale down expectations, ambitions, and goals that lead to disappointment. Is it even possible for you or me to achieve things alone that actually require favorable circumstances and the collective cooperation of many people? If someone deceives us after gaining our trust, it feels like an irreparable blow, altering the very course of life. Even then, there is no point in wallowing in self-blame and wasting a lifetime. After all, it was our own expectation that left us vulnerable to deception, wasn’t it? Buddha said that attachment and desires are the root of all sorrow. The root of your disappointment is your greed,” said Siddhartha.

Hearing Siddhartha’s words, Suryam’s mind instantly drifted back to three years ago. The haunting scene played out before his eyes—the day a trusted friend stabbed him in the back. He vividly remembered the exact moment he handed over his hard-earned twenty-five thousand rupees for the gas dealership deposit, only for that man to take it with a deceitful smile and vanish forever. The countless rounds to courts and police stations thereafter yielded no money, leaving behind nothing but deep humiliation within the family. As the memory of that betrayal resurfaced, Suryam’s fists clenched with raw fury. Snapping back to the present, he retorted sharply, his voice ringing with defiance, “How is it to be termed as greed to want to become a doctor, to secure a dealership, or to take up contracts?”

“There is no need for such anger, Suryam. Tell me straightforwardly—did you want to become a doctor, handle contracts, or take a dealership for your own sake, or was it to serve the people? Was it to make money? Or was it merely for social status? Answer me directly.”

Suryam flared up even more. The question felt like a direct stab with a knife. He felt a vague sense that it would make him look grand among others and allow him to earn a bit... sentiment was the root of those desires. Being questioned so directly, Suryam could not contain himself. “Is this all you have understood about me after all this time? Is this it?” Suryam erupted in fury.

Siddhartha silently gazed at him, waiting for Suryam’s anguish and anger to subside. Suddenly, rain began to patter loudly against the adjacent tin shed. The jasmine vine climbing over the arbor swayed back and forth, spreading a sweet fragrance.

“Hemalatha is not wrong in her thinking. It is a natural desire for women. Moreover, her father owned a wholesale clothing store with warehouses full of truckloads of garments, many clerks, and a constant stream of customers. Hemalatha grew up in an affluent family. The cause of your hardships is that you were deceived. What is the use of sparing the one who cheated you and venting that anger and pain on her? It will only lead to endless arguments.”

Suryam’s face flushed red. His hands, feet, and entire body trembled with agitation. He panted heavily, as if his chest tightness was worsening. Siddhartha continued to watch him silently, without uttering a word.

Someone placed hot snacks and tea on the teapoy and left. The raindrops, the cool breeze, the fragrance of jasmines, along with hot popcorn and tea, created a delightful atmosphere. Siddhartha savored the sweetness of his tea. The cup in Suryam’s hand was shaking as anger coursed through his entire body. Feeling that laughing wouldn’t be appropriate, Siddhartha tried to change the subject to lighten the mood, saying, “The tea is wonderful, isn’t it, with the aroma of jasmine blending into the warmth?”

“Yes. It is beautiful. These jasmines are very special—they are Hemalatha’s choice.”

“It’s wonderful how they sent snacks and tea in this rain without us even asking, isn’t it!”
“Yes.”
“How delightful it is to receive something without expecting it...!”
“And if you expect it and it doesn’t arrive even after half an hour, how much anger and irritation it causes! We would even forget the sweetness of the tea by then...”
“True.”

“If what we desire is not received, or even if it arrives late... we cannot fully enjoy it. A hidden sense of anger, dissatisfaction, and impatience keeps smoldering inside. Even so, one must not lose patience. Look at how many tragedies and failures occurred in Joe Biden’s life! Take Abraham Lincoln! Take Ambedkar! How many tragedies, failures, and setbacks did they face in their lives? How many times did victory slip away just when it seemed within reach? Yet, they did not break down. Ultimately, success embraced them. One must possess that strength of willpower. What is the use of crumbling? If you cannot run a frantic race, you should live happily and contentedly with what you have already achieved.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Exactly! That is why I am saying—as the eldest son of the house, even though you received everything, because they did not come at the right time, because you did not get all that you expected, and because of a few deceptions, even the satisfaction of what you received faded away completely. Being the eldest son is both a blessing and a curse. It appears to you exactly how you choose to look at it.”

“For me? Happiness and contentment are not meant for this lifetime. Why even have this discussion? This life is just meant to be this way. No matter how much I did, how many sacrifices I made for the joint family! You have no idea how many of my own desires I gave up. And in the end, even Hema blames me.”

“Suryam! Because you expect too much from them, you are unable to embrace the dignity of your seniority or find the joy that should come from the sacrifices you made. Your sisters and brothers hold so much respect for you! In reality, what do you lack? Your son is an engineer in America. Your daughter is a doctor. You worked so hard and sent them to different states for their education. You sold your land to do it. So, what if you did?

Now you have a house that brings in twenty thousand rupees a month in rent, a scooter, a car, and excellent health free of ailments. What more could you want? As the eldest son, you protected your father. You risked your own life to save him from an assassination attempt fueled by village rivalries and factionalism. Isn’t that single act enough? I know your life took a sharp turn right then for his sake. You gave up your long-term dreams and goals for your father. You chose to stand by him. No one will ever forget this. After your father passed away, you performed your duty like a father by arranging your sister’s wedding. When it came to partitioning the family property, you divided it exactly as your mother advised and your brothers desired. As the eldest son, you made countless sacrifices. Even if your brothers fail to recognize it, your sisters know. The world knows.

The wealth your father built up has diminished. Even the fortunes of great landlords have dissolved over education and weddings, reducing them to the middle class. This is not your problem alone. Even so, you upheld the family’s honor. Having sustained it completely, your desire is to grow even further. But shouldn’t the circumstances be favorable for that? Is it possible for a prime minister’s children to attain the same stature as their father? It is impossible. And that is not due to their incompetence. Goals, ideals, circumstances, personalities, and generations shift over time. Compare yourself with your classmates. Is everyone living as comfortably at this level as you are? A home of your own, wonderful children, good health, and respect among people. What more do you need? Long ago, in your childhood...”

“...In those tender, naive years, after reading books and watching movies, you thought things worked a certain way—but those were merely illusions. It is only natural for such naivety to shatter once you grow older and gain real-world experience”.

“What choice is there but to compromise? Mother would always say, ‘You are the eldest son, your brothers and sisters are still young, you must bear it with a generous heart.’ She would always shield them. No matter how much I did for them, it was never enough. If I ever mentioned the sacrifices I made for them, they would snap back, ‘What did you even do? You just sold the property father earned!’ Everyone’s tone would turn harsh. Do they have any idea how much I gave up keeping the joint family together? Whenever good job opportunities came my way, Mother would weep. She would cry, ‘If you go far away, how will these little ones survive? How will your sister get married? Who will guide your brothers? Your father is no more. If you also leave, where will they go?’ Bound by those tears, I stayed back and looked for a job close to home and village. Sidhu! You don’t know how difficult it is to be born as the eldest son! It’s no longer the case now, but did I get to live my life the way I wanted to? Whether my efforts mattered or not, I lived entirely for others. Don’t you know how I actually wanted to live?” A torrent of anger and the deep pain of feeling completely misunderstood by everyone welled up within Suryam.

“Suryam! Mother is no longer here. Father passed away long ago. It has been twenty years since you were cheated by that man. Even though he is gone, the family never reunited. All of that is in the past. Now, everyone is living their own lives. Circumstances, personalities, and generations have shifted. Why do you weep thinking you haven’t grown further or achieved enough? Just think about it! If Hema also started fretting over everything available on the market, what could she possibly do? Let me ask you one thing, please don’t get angry—you believe you made all these sacrifices, but didn’t Hema make those very sacrifices along with you? All the sacrifices you made as the eldest son of the house... as the eldest son of the house, didn’t Hema also do the same! Why don’t you recognize her, her goodness, and her sacrifice in that way? If the children have grown up well, all the credit goes to her!”

As Siddhartha spoke of the jasmine fragrance, Suryam’s gaze drifted into the void. His mind pulled him back to a dark, heavy night from his past. The tearful words of Hemalatha echoed clearly in his ears... ”It has been so many years since we married, and while you carry the entire burden of this joint family, have you ever bought even a small piece of jewelry for me? You sold your share of the property for your brothers’ education, but what about the future of my own children?” He remembered how, unable to answer her, he had quietly walked out of the room. The memories of killing his own dreams one by one for his brothers and sister’s wedding flashed before him like a tragic movie. As the agonizing weight of those sacrifices coursed through his entire body, the teacup in his hand trembled violently.

“Suryam, this is something both of you need to understand individually. First, acknowledge her hopes and desires. Respect them. Appreciate her goodness! Gently make her understand that sacrificing for everyone was the right thing to do. She will understand. Is Hema a child not to understand? Realize that she is hurting even more than you are about her sacrifices going unrecognized. Comfort her. Doesn’t she know that the very person who arranged your marriage alliance swindled twenty-five thousand rupees under the pretext of a gas dealership deposit? Twenty-five thousand back then is worth more than twenty-five lakhs today. What is the use of letting outsiders influence you and drive a wedge between you two? Besides, how can you live your life constantly battling childhood desires and perpetual dissatisfaction? This life won’t come again, will it? Suryam! Put her matter aside for a moment. Are you any less fortunate? At least now, set all of that aside and compare yourself with your classmates. Is everyone living as comfortably at this level as you are? A home of your own, wonderful children, good health, and respect among people. What more do you need? Long ago, in your childhood, at an impressionable age, books...”

“...reading books and watching movies, thinking ‘I should also live like that’—whose fault is that anyway?”
Thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance. The tin sheets rattled loudly. A heavy wave of jasmine fragrance swept through the air.
A strange restlessness stirred deep within Suryam’s heart.

“Suryam! Childhood fantasies are always enticing. If things turn out well, that’s fine. If they don’t go as planned, don’t waste crying over it! One must find joy and contentment in the life they actually have. If a hunter gets furious because the deer, he chased escaped, will that deer come back and leap into his lap? Instead, he contentedly settles for a rabbit he caught along the way. If he sits there cursing his luck about the missing deer while eating the rabbit stew, can he ever enjoy its taste? He should savor how delicious the rabbit stew actually is. After achieving so much in life, why are you still dissatisfied? What a beautiful life we have. Whatever reached us, reached us—that is ours. Whatever didn’t reach us, didn’t—it was never ours. We must believe that life owes us nothing more, what do you say?” said Siddhartha.

Suryam reflected that he had indeed compromised on many fronts. He had brushed things off and resigned to his fate. Yet, some memories refused to fade. He couldn’t comprehend Hemalatha’s endless internal conflict. During the property division, he yielded on every front. Countless expenses had been incurred, making it impossible to render a detailed account... He felt it would be deeply humiliating to be questioned by his younger brothers and have to explain that all the money was spent. Hema would never understand those nuances.

“Let go of this patriarchal mindset and try to look at things from Hema’s perspective too,” Siddhartha continued, spending a long-time reasoning with him.

“What you say is true, Sidhu! We tend to take all our achievements for granted, forgetting that we earned each one of them through immense hard work. Over things we lack...”

“...grieving over what I couldn’t attain has made me diminish what I actually achieved, which is why, as you said, this dissatisfaction keeps haunting me. What I received is by no means small. The sacrifices I made are by no means small. The life I have won for myself is by no means small either,” admitted Suryam.

“If only we let go of the craving for external validation, how much inner contentment we would experience!” said Siddhartha. Suryam was about to argue as if that perspective had never occurred to him.

“Let all of that go! Why dwell on that past now? What we have achieved is significant. We have won our own lives. We have enabled our children to succeed in theirs. We have fulfilled the duties of our generation. Anything we do from here on is a bonus. No matter how many failures we faced, or how many people deceived us in various ways, we stood our ground. We are indeed winners who have triumphed over life,” asserted Siddhartha.

“Do you truly believe so?”
“Yes, how many people are blessed with such a good life? Do you know how two-thirds of the population yearn just to attain a life like ours”?

“Sidhu! What you say is true. What we achieved is not small. If we look past our failures and our excess desires... despite our minor jobs and modest salaries, we managed to educate them in distant places. We enabled our children to succeed in life. Even if our promotions were fewer, we are still people who have triumphed over life,” Suryam finally conceded.

‘Thank goodness,’ Siddhartha thought to himself with a sigh of relief. The rain seemed to have let up. The pattering sound of water against the tin roof had ceased.

Someone brought tea again. Along with them, a breeze filled with the scent of jasmine wafted in once more. “Hemalatha sent tea twice without us even asking. Hemalatha is truly a wonderful person,” Siddhartha praised. “Well, there is certainly no lack of hospitality from Hemalatha!” Suryam replied with a smile.

“What more do you need? Ah, she sent tea again without a prompt. Home is indeed a paradise. There is no one as fortunate as you, Suryam!” Siddhartha hummed cheerfully. Those words brought back a flood of sweet, early memories for Suryam. After a moment, Suryam laughed from the very depths of his heart. Inhaling the deep fragrance of jasmine, he shouted with pure joy, “Yes, we are indeed winners who have triumphed over life!”

Suryam was startled when Hemalatha suddenly stepped out from behind the curtain. He felt a wave of embarrassment, wondering if she had heard everything. “Did you hear it all, Hema?” Siddhartha greeted her with a smile. Hema smiled coyly. For the first time in a very long while, Suryam and Hemalatha’s eyes met with deep understanding.

First published in Mayukha Internet Magazine, June 2021