Mar 21, 2023
Mar 21, 2023
The medal of freedom is the highest civilian award in the US and I would have gotten it for preventing a war between the US and Canada, but as they say there is many a slip betwixt the cup and the lip. I was returning from Canada to the US. Bush had just signed a new law insisting that a passport was necessary to cross the border. The 3000 mile border used to be the longest non-policed border between any two nation states, but Cheney had just stopped his medications to control his paranoia and woke up in his secret undisclosed bunker during a nightmare and trembled in panic at the idea of Canadian terrorists smuggling dirty national healthcare across the un-policed border.
I had cleared customs and was between the immigration checkpoints. A nondescript white man with an elephant logo on his designer T-shirt was not carrying any documentation and was being refused entry by the US immigration officer. I felt it was my duty to be a good Samaritan and help the poor chap especially since his T-shirt logo, like a white cane, advertised that he was seriously handicapped. I politely queried the immigration officer if I could help since I am bilingual and can understand Republican gibberish. The officer briefed me about the details. I said the guy seems to speak English with a nondescript North American accent and is white and thus most likely a Canadian or American. Why don't we ask him to say the word 'out' and if he doesn't say it with a Scottish flavor he is most likely American. Apparently this guy like me and Henry Kissinger had spent the first fourteen formative years of his life outside the US and as Henry's younger brother who speaks English with a perfect natural American accent rightly said about both of us and our accents when asked to explain Henry's heavy German intonation of English. 'The reason Henry can't talk like other Americans is he loves to talk but never listens and is unaffected by what others say and how they say it'.
The perplexed but polite immigration officer was in a quandary. Suddenly a brainstorm hit me. I am like that. It is like sudden tornadoes in the plain states. I suggested to the immigration officer that we should ask the suspect individual without documentation his views on single payer government managed healthcare. The immigration officer seemed dubious about my idea but decided to play along for lack of a better alternative. To our combined surprise the man who was polite, cordial and civilized before, exploded with rage in a torrent of loud words. 'I don't want the government to decide whether I live or die. I want Sarah Palin's child with Down's syndrome to have the same shot at the vice-presidency that Sarah Palin with much more severe retardation had. I know that the government health plan is only for youth and Asians (he must have heard euthanasia somewhere and never learnt to read in school or write even in college and his heroes were Senators Macaque, Dumbkopf, Grosslie and Vile'. I calmed him down and told the immigration officer that this guy was obviously a US citizen.
The immigration seemed not quite convinced. I realized that desperate times require desperate measures. I saw that the mounties on the Canadian side were looking more and more grizzly. I dialed my cell phone and asked the White House operator to wake up Bush who I knew was always sleeping on the job. I heard his sleepy voice and informed him of the details of the border incident that could have led to a war as the Canadians were mad for being labeled as potential terrorists and healthcare fanatics. I reminded the president that anyone born in the US even if it is Hawaii and any natural born idiot anywhere in the world is automatically eligible for US citizenship as a birthright. Bush quipped, 'I knew that. It is in the Constipation that the fondling fathers wrote. How do you think I became a US citizen and president'. I handed the phone to the immigration officer, helped a fellow Republican and averted war between the US and Canada.
The next day I got a call from Bush. He said,' I have given Tenet the medal of freedom for starting the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, so just to be fair and balanced like Fox News, I have to give you the medal too'. I was rejoicing but put on a modest face. The next morning, I opened up my copies of the 'New York Slime' and the 'Washington Hoax' and there was a story that the Defamation Clique and the Fat Cat Pac objected to my getting the honor because I was anti-semitic and against Israel. I said, 'wait a minute, many of my friends and partners have been Jewish, so how can you label me anti-semite. That seemed to soothe the ruffled feathers of the Defamation Clique. So I called the Fat Cat Pac and asked them why they thought I was against Israel. Their official spokesperson said my remarks about every natural born idiot having a birthright for US citizenship were against Israel. He informed me that Israel had recently amended its constitution to give the right of citizenship to anyone born a Jew and all natural born idiots of any religion all over the world, as long as they had a certificate from the Orthodox Chief Rabbi, even though he maybe selling kidneys or laundering black money. I said, 'I know a lot of Jews and many of them are highly intelligent'. The spokesperson took offense and shouted,' We have a lot of idiots in Israel in leading positions and an entire ruling political party of idiots. We can match the US Lieberman for Lieberman. You have a new president elect Whatshisname-who, we have a prime minister Nuts-and-Yahoo'.
I realized that it was not worth arguing. The Fat Cat Pac had more money to contribute to election campaigns. So I didn't get the medal but I did a good deed for a Republican and prevented a US Canada war. I will surely get my reward in heaven. Knowing my luck and my atheism, I am not hoping for a roomful of virgins.
More by : Gaurang Bhatt, MD