Feb 27, 2024
Feb 27, 2024
My fallow Americans, As you know I am a compassionate confidence man. My unconcern for the victims of Katrina, showering sundry peoples with gifts of daisy cutters from the sky to alleviate their miserable existence by putting an end to it, and granting undeserved tax cuts to our afflicted wealthy citizens, even at the cost of abdicating my fiscal responsibility are ample testimony to my dishonest intentions. I have not let the constitution or bill of rights prevent me from torturing innocents and guilty alike, nor hesitate in spying on you, if it was good for my reelection and constitution.
All my devious machinations have unfortunately failed to solve our national problems.
When I was a child, I learned that justice must be blind so I have dispensed it without seeing and let the chips fall where they may. Yet my sense of propriety made my attorneys general Mr. Witchcraftt and Mr. Stonewallez to cover her exposed breast and my wicked bosom.
We have a debt of ten trillion dollars, of which four trillion is held by foreigners. We have an annual trade deficit of over seven hundred billion dollars, annual budget deficits approaching five hundred billion dollars and unfunded future liabilities of fifty trillion dollars over fifty years for Medicare and Social security. Foolish foreign countries and their residents are baulking at financing these deficits despite our bailout of Bear Stearns, fully flooding the economy with newly printed dollars by the Federal Reserve and the kiting of the markets by our patriotic speculators. My foolish Americans, you have curtailed your consumer spending out of fear and debt, two conditions that I am immune to as demonstrated by my hiding after the terrorist attack and refusal to veto wasteful spending by the Congressional baboons.
I consulted my lobbyist advisors, wise primates like Ham Dissingmanner and even Maddie Halfbrite, a host of Fink Tanks including the National Zoo, as well all the Dicks I know. The consensus opinion can be summarized as bomb Laos, Cambodia or everyone and what good are our superb armed forces if they cannot be misused. A few million innocent civilians and children killed would be a small price, was the advice I received from secretaries of fate. I called in all my chiefs, economic advisors and energy czars and sat down with a world map to finalize my strategy and choices.
We had to obtain four trillion dollars for our efforts without excessive strain on our armed forces. The chiefs sensibly ruled out countries with nuclear weapons and pointed out the logistical benefits of occupying and confiscating the reserves of those countries where we have a strong military footprint. Japan, Germany, South Korea, Taiwan were easy first choices and would garner us over 1.5 trillion dollars. China, Russia, India, Hong Kong and Singapore would complete four trillion dollars but could cause us serious collateral damage. My genius team emphasized that even if we got four trillion dollars and wiped out debt held by foreigners, it would not solve the recurring annual deficit of nearly five hundred billion dollars from oil imports. The best solution was to annex Canada and Mexico, both oil producers. We have tried to takeover Canada since the War of 1812 and did take a chunk of Mexico prior to the Civil War.
My economic advisors who had unwisely guided us into this fiscal and economic mess with my blessings and tacit approval, wisely said that the unfunded future deficits would still hang over America's head like a sword of Damocles. My lunatic brain, my obsession with crescents, Shias and Sunnis started beeping. I had always felt that though Islam is a religion of peace with a long history of peace, it had missed a reformation and I was the one chosen by god to transform it by aggressive means. I was twice miffed at one Abdullah who refused to increase oil output and inspired by another King Abdullah talking of Shiite Crescents. The epiphany of burning crescents led to my moment of Eureka.
I proposed that we takeover the crescent from eastern Saudi Arabia, southern Iraq and western Iran. Thus Jordan and Saudi Arabia would not have to fear a Shiite Crescent. The Crescent would be American and Christian. It would be a melding of two great religions, cross and crescent. I thought of calling it Croissant but the damned French threatened to veto it in the UN Security Council. Not only would be spreading more democracy in the Middle East, beyond our success in Iraq, but at the same time we would enable McCain and Hillary's ambition to bomb or nuke Iran, assuring the continuation of my policy in case my charitable noble objective becomes a long drudge, not completed in my remaining tenure. Lon Chaney's economic council which was receiving our deliberations by teleconference video in their secret hideout hollered with joy, but fortunately catastrophe was avoided as Chaney's pacemaker kicked in.
I have now guided you my dear citizens through our deliberations and rationale. As I speak to you, our forces in Japan, Germany, South Korea and Taiwan have begun their takeover and our troops in Iraq are spreading along the crescent with support from our carriers planes and ships. As soon as our mission is accomplished, Helicopter Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve Governors and staff will be dropping bundles of dollar bills from the skies throughout the nation. All you citizens have to do is to pick up the dollars and shop till you drop. The debt will be squashed, oil will be free and the surplus oil revenues will take care of the unfunded future deficits of Medicare and Social Security.
I want you to be at ease because if the above plan fails or is insufficient, I have a Plan B which will require offering a merger or leveraged buyout of both Russia and China. I have secured financing from both Bill Gates and Warren Buffett and ordered the US mint to print dollars round the clock for a contingency. The CIA is ready to perform enhanced persuasion on China and Russia by making their leaders an offer they cannot refuse. They have had many dry runs with Castro, Lumumba and countless others. My able assistant Bunkumleeza Lice and our monetary expert Gallopin Bubblespan are in Zimbabwe to learn the technique of printing single notes with a billion dollar denomination. Well it is 9-30 pm, way past my bedtime and the unaccustomed thinking has given me a severe headache, so good night and may god save you if I can't.
More by : Gaurang Bhatt, MD