Random Thoughts

Surveillance Tapes from God's Security Agency

I was baffled by the utter foolishness of Manmohan Singh to willingly sign away India's independence in foreign policy and nuclear deterrence by meekly submitting to Bush's nuclear pact, the crass stupidity of Israeli Prime Minister Olmert's disastrous misadventure in Lebanon and Prime Minister Blair's abasing submissiveness to Bush, so I called up God and asked him if he had video and audio surveillance tapes of what goes on in the White House. He was a little annoyed and told me to get a court order from FISA. I finally located a loquacious anonymous source, an angel called Gabriel who spoke gibberish, the lingua franca of the White House and many other similar civilizations. From my knowledge of history, I knew that he had leaked misinformation from God's office before, like doing a Snow job.

My conclusions are that the linguistically challenged leaders are prone to misunderstanding and mis-underestimating one another and this is the problem in our Tower of Babble. The following dialogues and scenes from the Orwell Office will prove to the reader that I have found the national and international problem.
In the case of Singh and Bush, the former was speaking Hinglish and the latterBunglish and the two met privately without interpreters.

The Indo-US Nuclear Treaty 
' Act One

Bush - I ambush.

Singh - I Singh.

Bush - I never liked Sung, I hate Kim, but I am all for Seoul.

Singh - I know the white man's burden and as a Sikh, I think the soul is great.

Bush - I hope your health improves, but let us talk about this "nucular" pact.

Singh - I am all for a "new cooler" pact because it is very hot in India.

Bush - You see Congress has come up with modifications and a new clear treaty and you need to sign them.

Singh - I like a treat and I want a nuclear treaty (fumbles and looks for his reading glasses and fails to find them).

Singh - I can't read, anyway I always do what the Congress President says. 
(Puts his thumb-print on the treaty)

Bush - (slaps Singh on the back) I can't read either, but don't tell anyone. I told you India will have great (electric) power in the future.

Singh - I want India to be a great power.

Bush - We all know about The Great Indian Rope Trick. Let me show you the American Rope Trick. (Takes a rope labeled nuclear pact and trusses Manmohan tightly so he is entirely at Bush's mercy).

Singh - Now what?

Bush - That's it , now you go home and do what I say or we will break you and India into so many little pieces that your mother won't recognize you.

Singh -Yes, Sahib. I will convey that to my Memsahib.

Post-Lebanon meeting of Olmert and Bush 
' Act Two

(A bruised Olmert with bandages enters and admonishes Bush)

Olmert - Yo vey, You told me that hiding in the cedar forest was a gentle she.

Bush - I said there wuz gentile Shii. Boy either you can't get my southern accent and grammar or you have forgotten your Yiddish. You are some Schlemiel.

Olmert - You can't speak or think clearly and cannot write well on paper. Your efforts were clearest when your words were "stoned" and you a schlomozzle are calling me a schlemiel.

(Storms out of the Orwell Office irreverently turning his back on the Burning Bush)

One of the frequent Bush-Blair private Summit Meetings 
' Act Three

(Bush is wearing a Safari suit and has a white hunter's hat. Blair is wearing shorts, shirtless and carrying a spear in one hand, an elephant gun in the other and has some baggage balanced on his head.)

Bush - I want to go hunting some Islamo-fascists.

Blair - Yes Bwana, but these are cunning and dangerous animals and you have never hunted before. Your only experience is of being hunted, when you went AWOL.

Bush - Bring them on. I am a crusader.

(They traipse through the sands of Afghanistan and Iraq for years and return tired and bruised to the Orwell Office)

Blair - Bwana, I told you that Afghanistan and Iraq would be no cake walk. My forefathers tried it and took a beating. It is best to stick to the Indians and Pakistanis. You give them a few glowing uranium baubles or toy planes and they will come and lick your hand. Still if you want to practice some shooting, I can round up some Brazilians or Pakistanis and put them in a barrel and we can ignore the Geneva Conventions. All these brown people look alike so if you hang up the heads as a trophy, no one will know that they are not real Islamo-fascists, whatever that means.

Bush -You know the Nazis wore brown shirts and used the Swastika and our new enemies are brown and use the Swastika.

Blair ' You are describing Indian Hindus.

Bush ' You can't fool me. That fellow Peter Galbraith tried fibbing me by telling me that the Muslims come in two flavors, Sunni and Shia. Anyway all this information and thinking gives me a headache. I am like Reagan, even though I am younger. Don't confuse me with facts. We will let Cheney decide. Let's have some fun. Why don't you come and sit in my lap and say "Bow Wow", as I tickle you. I love it when you roll over, flap your ears and wag your tail. After that we will go out on the lawn and you can play "Fetch".  

September 3, 2006


More by :  Gaurang Bhatt, MD

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