Random Thoughts

Understanding Republicans: Why Darwin Was Wrong

Churchill was often confused about what he said, as in when he said that he was unwilling to liquidate the British Empire by giving independence to India and then proceeded to do so by declaring war against Germany for the sake of Poland. He said that America would always do the right thing after it had tried everything else. Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan clearly show how wrong he was. He also said that the Soviet Union was a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Once again he confused the Soviet Union for the Republican Party. Anyway since I lost out in the race to solve Fermat’s Theorem, I went to work on analyzing the Republican Party.

I have always been impressed by its ability to morph itself from Lincoln’s time to Nixon, “W” and Palin avatars. No shape shifter or Proteus could have done better. I attribute the amazing performance to the tireless effort of its army of Dicks. Like a programmed Phoenix, it rises from the ashes while making ashes of sundry gooks, ragheads and other children of lesser gods and unlike a rolling stone gathers a lot of American moss on its relentless downhill journey. Along the way it has tried everything from lay to delay, strogaqnoof to Abramoff, golf parties to tea parties, random to intelligent design, born again to rapture while refusing to be a brother’s keeper and proved that no one has gone broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American public or proselytizing rabid uncaring selfishness. Its lactose intolerance is entirely towards the milk of human kindness, as proven by its opposition to healthcare, social security, medicaid, medicare, civil rights and myriad programs which help the have-nots. Its free market policies are really socialism for the powerful and rich by tax breaks and subsidies and ruthless Hobbesian jungle capitalism for the common and poor people.

My challenge was to find out why like Islam, the Republican Party has not evolved or had a reformation. Then one day, I had my Eureka moment in the bathroom but it was while using a facility other than a bathtub. I realized that the Republican Party had not evolved over eons because it was not a product of or susceptible to evolution. It was a product of premeditated and deliberate design by an unintelligent creator. I retired to a suitable tree and sat under it honing this truth discovery, unfazed by stray temptations from sundry Satans or shapely sirens. The sheer brilliance of this fundamental truth struck me. This would mean that Darwin was finally proved wrong. In Republicans we had incontrovertible proof of a species which was not a product of evolution. It was incapable of altruism and originated by immaculate conception by an unintelligent creator. I immediately dashed off a copy of this article to the Nobel Committee for consideration for one of their prizes. I was informed that the prize for oxymorons had been discontinued after the endowment ran out of money after the economic meltdown. The last one was awarded to a chap called O-something-ama. Undaunted, I called my astrologer and decided to start a new political party in India and an “Ashram” in the USA. That is why you are reading it at the Boloji website.


More by :  Gaurang Bhatt, MD

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