I had my heart set on a nuclear war, not only because I love fireworks and am at a respectably safe distance from any possible fallout or consequences, but also because it would be a way to solve India's population problem in view of the betrayal and failure of Malthusian theory. Even more importantly a nuclear holocaust would naturally affect the major metropolitan areas and thus selectively wipe out the pseudo-secularists like Arundhati Roy, successfully catapulted to fame and fortune by slick marketing of cleverly worded, warmed over, tired hash and now having delusions of divine opinions on all matters without knowledge, expertise, any concept of the pragmatic realities of the world or the ability to learn from past history. I realize that politicians, Bollywood stars and sundry diamond merchants and other rich glitterati would be turned into vapor, but as my favorite philosopher, President Dublya says, there will always be collateral damage when you make an omelette, or some such profound truth.
From America's point of view, it would be a godsend, because 140 million Islamic terrorists of Pakistan would become burnt toast and another 250 million would be massacred in the ensuing mayhem in India and Bangladesh, thus providing a partial final solution of ridding the earth of vermin and concluding the unfinished crusade against terrorists even though Islam is a noble and peaceful religion as the belligerent French, Viennese, Venetians, Franks and Indians know. It would not violate the principle tenets of the Christian Coalition and you contributors please note, this would help the population problem without using any artificial means of birth control and thus be consistent with the catholic principles of homosexual and pedophilic sex, which provide gratification without any hindrance to procreation and thus are acceptable to the philosophy of the church and may bring contributions from some Republicans.
India would be well served, because the flood of unbridled algebraic increase in population of these heathen will have been stemmed by the finger on the nuclear trigger and the diehard Hindu fanatics would say this was predicted by the Gita, as in protection of the good, destruction of the evil and to rid the earth of this burden, I become from time to time. We invented atomic weapons, airplanes and delivery systems or so the Mahabharata says, and it can't be wrong. It was directly heard from god's mouth just like the Shruti, Ten Commandments, sundry prophecies in the Old Testament, the New Testament, Koran!! Boy, god must make more yakiti-yak-yak speeches than our President and equally devoid of content and meaning, but clearly for the benefit of major political or financial supporters.
Anyway back to the travails of India. I hate it when these Palestinian suicide bombers and Ariel Sharon by his frequent trips to America break my concentration and steal the limelight. The homeless and poor of India like the privileged poor of any nuked area, will now have the choice of prime real estate, albeit somewhat radioactive, but not harmful to their short, nasty and brutish existence. Furthermore there will be no need of reservations and quotas, as the haves will for the first time be exposed to the lack of hygiene, sewers, potable water and sundry other superficial necessities that pristine Sanatana Dharma of Hinduism has so rightly rejected with other things like fruits of labor, worldly progress, self-reliance and ability to defend against colonizing aggressors by refusing to collaborate traitorously. These are currently reserved preferentially for the poor since the Mandal commission report and have caused a lot of dissatisfaction and agitation from the haves, for permanently ensuring preferential advantages to those, who are undeserving and lack merit like the beneficiaries of affirmative action.
The world in general is also likely to be a serious gainer, because elimination of idiot Muslims, who follow an illiterate, scheming and conniving prophet, who was a child molester and indulged in incest of a sort, by sleeping with his daughter-in-law, but founded a noble and peaceful religion, which charges and exhorts every true believer to become a martyr in the Jihad against nonbelievers with the assured carnal access to a host of never aging beautiful virgins in the waiting paradise; is sure to raise the moral standard of humanity, in spite of the concerted efforts of the liberal and Democratic parties of the West and America to sneakily lower the bar on the hurdle of decency.
So I say fiends, foe-men and fellow registered pub and high livers, the only agenda we need to concentrate on, in these critical moments, is the elimination of the estate tax, which is a millstone round the neck of major contributors, who are the only persons, who can afford a nuclear bomb- proof designer shelter and will survive the holocaust and vote to return us to power even after the Armageddon. If we don't do this, they have threatened to bury themselves alive, which would not allow us to collect any estate tax from them, as the Supreme Court has sagaciously decided as always, in a five to four ruling, that those buried alive and corporations have the status of immortal persons and are exempt from estate duty and circumcision for visiting a graphic sex website. This would also be discrimination against an endangered species and deprive us of the indigenous rich and thus be a loss to the biodiversity of the planet, if not an ecological disaster, which can lead to global warmth. This would compel us to change our duly deliberated policy of first no sense or strike and neutralize any undesired warmth by creating a nuclear winter or conquering Canada! My fellow Americans, I have decided to create a cabinet level department, specifically to cater to the needs, whims and whining of the Forbes 500, Standard and Poor 500 and the Nasdaq 100. I am sure this will help all of us to sleep safely or let the devil take the hindermost and put an end to all terrorism due to a lack of poor victims or victimized poor Slovenians, Slovakians, Slobodans or Slavs, (I thought Lincoln emancipated the slaves and serf is a fun thing to do in California) who are fighting the Chechens and other Al-Cadres despite the sober advice and intense protests of our democratic friends like the Egyptians, Pakistanis and Saudis.
I must cut this tirade short, as I have to nuke the Assyrians, Babylonians and Persians before they once again become a threat to world civilization.
Disclosures in the spirit of ethical behavior prevalent routinely on Wall Street, in Political Fund raisers and similar shenanigans –The author is desirous of becoming the recipient of a career development grant from the National Institute of all polluting industries and is available as a consultant to strip mining and nuclear energy companies. He had aspired to study and teach at several Madrasas but was turned away for being a religious bigot and thus did time, at western and eastern American universities and other similar borderline institutions to avoid being permanently confined to enclosures reserved for the criminally insane. He is an equal opportunity critic of three letter groups like VHP, RSS, BJP, NGOs, GOP, Democrats, Independents, Senate, House of Representatives, The Supreme court and only respects the Constitution, Bill of Rights and the Association of Atheists in America, as it has this beautiful alliterative quality like the KKK, but comes much earlier in the alphabet, and is more convenient for the author to remember, because of his limited knowledge and memory, like his schooling and education, which have never interfered with his biases, beliefs and prejudices, which constitute the three legs of the great foundations of most public in most nations, apart from the single folly of the Americans for their charitable and friendly nature, in spite of their Quadrennial dilemma of choosing between a crook as well as a phony, and a crook as well as an idiot, as a President. The author has equal opportunity critical comments and a healthy contempt and mistrust of all pretentious organizations known by acronyms and much of the human species, which aggravate both him and his paranoia. He thus prefers to live in the relative tranquility of a semi-rural environment full of nice people, whose weight makes him feel good, unruffled by the storms that hover over the East and West coasts and he indulges in the shameless consumption of great, good and inexpensive food, which is the binding cement of the great mass of this fine Republic destined to be a heavyweight in the history of mankind. He is also cursed with a wicked sense of humor and healthy irreverence and charitable contempt for fellow human beings, because of the painful awareness of his own inadequacies, foibles, follies and faults.